Showing posts with label film. Show all posts
Showing posts with label film. Show all posts
Nov 26, 2010

love and other drugs.

post by dawn garcia | Labels: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

(This picture to the left is love. Raw, broken, funny, sweet, honest - but above all, perfectly flawed.)

The past is something that can haunt us if we let it. OR the past can be a lesson in incredible memories, great experiences, terrible choices, reminders of what we are and are not. My past has been something that has hung on to me with a very tight grip. It has enveloped me and has attached itself like a cancer and so I stopped - I mean this is why I'm going to therapy in the first place. And it's time to listen. Today I'm going to let it go. Delete emails, forget phone numbers, walk away. And any tie that is left will, in time, be let go. I have to focus only on the good and stop dwelling on things that I cannot change. There is a saying that recovering addicts say, I'm thinking it might work for those who allow the past to be a very dirty drug. Love can be a drug. It can be euphoric. It can be scary. It can stop your heart. It can be addicting. OR it can be healing. It can make you whole again. Here is the saying addicts recite:  

grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

And so, on to my blog:

Today was definitely a great day. An odd day. A day I realized my family can be really loud, but a great day nonetheless. My tear well finally dried up! The crying has stopped. Last night I was having another hard day. I was feeling sad and missing someone that I love but hasn't taken the time to really see me and maybe I kept seeing past him but I offered one final thread of hope and I realized the last step is to move forward. And so, I will. I realized that there is nothing left to hold on to. Nothing left to love. It was a relationship I learned a great deal from. One I made a gazillion mistakes in but also one that gave me glimpses of what I want and what I can offer. I have big things ahead of me. My baby has a lot to see and do and experience and I don't want to waste another minute being heartbroken and hurt over something there is no way I can change. So, I move on. anyway back to last night. I felt horrible last night. I went to see "Love & Other Drugs", which is one hell of a movie! Great story, incredible sex scenes and a message: when it is love, you never stop fighting. I fought so hard for an entire year. I went through hell but I fought. This time, I have tried everything. I offered the one last thing that could have maybe made sense of it all and in truth, I have no idea if that even resonated but I realized what I need is my friends. The real ones. The ones that seem to be there in the worst of moments, see me when I am not my best, deal with my attitude or an overreaction and they love me anyway. 

So last night, I hung out with one of my best friends. A friend I haven't known for very long - 7 months actually - but somehow this friend has been more patient and loving than anyone I've ever known and we're just ourselves. No pretense, no drama, no b.s. There are no false promises and when I'm pissed and annoyed or crying like a lunatic, that friend teaches me that it really doesn't matter how crappy you feel or act, a friend that loves and cares about you sticks around. That movie taught me almost the same thing. Granted I walked out of that theater so hurt and sad, I couldn't get to my car fast enough (where I sat in the front seat and cried so hard I couldn't breathe), but I heard the lesson. The guy, even if the girl is messy and imperfect, and pushes him away, doesn't walk away. He listens to his heart and he'd rather be with the girl that's a mess, and one day will be unrecognizable, and enjoy whatever time they have than be without her for one more second. That's my kind of man. So, I'm taking care of myself. I'm recognizing ALL of my faults, I'm learning about pieces of my past I honestly knew nothing about (which is scarier than I ever imagined) but I'm healing. I'm remembering memories like something as simple as him "pricing" a ring only to realize I was living in a world of "promises". Promises that never saw the light of day. So time to let go. Time to move forward. I've got one hell of a life ahead of me and there are things to conquer. I will heal. Slowly, painfully, patiently - but I'm healing. I'm patient and calm and am starting to understand how I operate; what my natural response is and why. In the course of the doing this it makes it all SO much easier! I get it!

So, my point is, today is a new day. I am so grateful to the past, to my once "heartbeat" because I learned a lot. And without this heartache and odd rebound or devastation, I wouldn't know how much was ahead of me. I wouldn't have taken the steps to heal. So, S, I am grateful to you. I am grateful for all you have taught me. I am grateful for the time we shared, good and bad, but now I've gotta break free. My heart will eventually follow suit. I can't hang on to the past nor do I want to. I've got to focus on what's coming. I made a huge breakthrough with my screenplay this week and that will take on the life it needs to in order to be done. The "line" I will be launching next year is FINALLY in progress and I even have a manufacturing company in Mexico. Anthropologie will carry it, as will Saks, Bloomingdales, and the HSN. I have no doubt I'll be successful. Business, Motherhood, Love, Family, Friends. I have this perfectly lovely and unique and smart, strong-willed, baby that deserves me at my best. Not crying. Not hurt. Time to just get over it. I know myself well enough to know, when I get to this point, I'm golden. When I realize when to walk away, I do it.

Feet in position, toes pointed ahead, aaaaaaaaand one foot in front of the other, I'm walking away. See me? There I go.
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Nov 12, 2010

VideoBlog #7 - Kill them with Kindness

post by dawn garcia | Labels: , , , , , , , , , , ,

A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.~Herm Albright


I did another video blog and while the tone is fairly upbeat and optimistic, I just want to say - rather admit - that my eternal optimism is my core, but NOT because my life has been sunshine and roses. One day I will write about the things I have experienced. But I'm not there just yet. We are all exposed to something. 2 out of 3 women are sexually assaulted, some never have a chance to even speak; violence breaks out in countries that steals the innocence away from those who never saw it coming; people hurt with words; some with physical fury. But life doesn't have to be that way. It doesn't have to be so riddled with anguish. Don't assume you know what any one person has gone through. Practice empathy but don't use your "situation" to excuse you from being a poor excuse of a human being. Be reminded - realize how much suffering there is in this world. BUT also own the fact that you don't need to contribute to it. Do everything you can to make it beautiful again. 


Blog
How many times has someone been ignored or misunderstood or put down by others who didn't take the time to know them? It happens all of the time. People judging people, listening to the toxicity spewed by someone else, or making assumptions without getting the facts. I look at my child and I think, "I hope she is never made to feel bad about who she is". I hope the world she lives in is without judgment but I know that's not possible. I've certainly judged people at one point or another, and made assumptions, but I'm not proud of that nor do I make it a habit. Some people do. 

I am a writer, which, yes, I realize is pretty clear. But as a writer I have a tremendous responsibility. I also often sit back and observe as part of my "job". I have conversations and make assessments and watch body language. The fears, the insecurities, the ones who think they hold some secret power. The ones that do have power. I have watched as the world around me gets lost in self-obsession rather than striving for empathetic unity.

My life is often brimming with sunshine because when I'm having a hard day or feel a little defeated, somehow that's the exact time my 3 year-old looks at me and says, "You're the bestest mommy ever. I love you all the way to moon and the sun and around the earth and back" and I realize no one can even come close. Nothing can make my life have more meaning. Well, maybe Mr. Big can add to that. But the point is, I can't let those outside influences change the core of who I am. I'm a good and giving person. I don't put up with your crap if you give it and will not allow you to treat me disrespectfully or pretend to be my friend only to take advantage of me. I also want to mention it doesn't make you the bigger person when you berate someone and then immediately follow it up with a compliment. It doesn't work that way. In fact, when you do that it makes you an even less genuine person --- being genuine, being strong, means you have balance. I had lunch with a very strong, smart woman today and we discussed the misuse of ones strength and how often (and how crazy) a lot of people can be when they think they're strong because they can be mean. It's absurd and in the end, those are the people that, in the quiet moments, are utterly alone. I am not alone. I am loved. I have extraordinary people in my life. People I have met that are artists from around the world that have given me such joy, such courage, such encouragement; People I have crossed paths with only to see that beauty is about the soul, not the facade. Friends that I have known most of my life, some I have only known for a short while. All have taught me more than words can express. I have seen love - unconditional love - and that is empowering.

I am grateful for the exceptional people in my life; For the tremendous opportunities I have been given; For the artists that inspire me; For the life that I get to nurture and embrace every day; For the true value of integrity. So if I don't say it enough, thank you.
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Nov 11, 2010

the film world is an exceptional one.

post by dawn garcia | Labels: , , , , , , , ,

Life is so filled with adversity. We chase our tails. We search for what's real, what is tangible, what isn't lost in the realm of chaos and possibility. The thing is, we've all been kicked in the gut. We've all had rude awakenings. We've all had to reassess our own lives. I find it utterly intriguing to get sucked into the vortex of "acceptability" only to realize there's no real need. When you start working in the world of Entertainment - correction: in the Film, TV, and Fashion industries, you are taught one very valuable lesson. That lesson? NEVER stray too far from your circle of trusted people. Why? Because as you climb the ladder, you encounter more "crazy". More "takers". More people that just want to utilize your "connections". That's the real beauty of everything in life, isn't it? It is a very secret world: film. A world I am so happy in. A little family for 3 months that allows you to get lost in your own imagination. A family that understands the world you envision. A world that is plentiful in art and creativity, a world that exists for those who have the ability to call "bullshit" before it even enters the room. It's a gift. But I appreciate other artists. I appreciate those who are following their dreams. The ones who can see past the confining world around them and dare to dream. Dare to risk it all for a chance at something spectacular...

I have spent the last 16 years working with the very best in this Industry. I knew from the beginning I didn't want mediocre. I wanted "A" list or nothing. Why? Because what's the point in wasting your time with people you can't respect? Don't admire? Now let's be clear. "A" list is ideally the creme de la creme, but it is also the epitome of those who do not listen to the average bear say what is and what is not possible. The "A" lister is the dreamer among dreamers. The one that pushes through bankruptcy (Coppola), challenges creativity (Lucas), questions our existence (Spielberg), and dares to live in a beautiful world (Domingo). I'll never forget the 1st Academy event I went to. I met Pedro Almodóvar and I was an instant fan. The film being nominated: Woman on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown. A film that captures the true fragility of a woman; the vulnerability of a human being. It was one of those movies that allowed you to explore the realm of human emotion. He was gracious and kind and really endearing and in the end, my motivation was realized. If we have the fortunate opportunity to work in the Entertainment industry, we cannot waste our voice. We also cannot allow toxic people in. It's a very odd journey but one, as I have found out, allows you to realize your passions, expand on your dreams, and speak your mind = loudly and without censorship. 

I have learned a lot. This business has taught me a lot. Beware of what is not real and envelop what is. I have a track history with the "real" and the truly artistic. It is a welcome part of my life. I am grateful but I also know if it wasn't for who I am, I would never have experienced such exquisite perfection. Listen, if you are creative - truly creative, embrace that. Don't allow the outside world to interfere with your process. They will always try. Darkness will always attempt to envelop your sunshine but just remember what matters. I work in the Film world because I understand it. It is creative and real and full of diversity. I am at home with diversity. 16 years is a long time. I am beyond grateful for all I've been fortunate enough to be exposed to and know that the world on the rise - the career that is about to catapult is truly a gift. In addition, I have found - or rather accepted - my very own Mr. Big. An idea of someone. The culmination of all good things if you will. Not one man, but an ideal version of one. Hence, the name: Mr. Big and not something like, Sam. Sometimes life, love, career, possibility, dreams, hope, the processing of good and bad - it just happens. I cannot fathom a world without it.

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Oct 29, 2010

120 pgs - done.

post by dawn garcia | Labels: , , , , , , , , , , ,

“Take up one idea. Make that one idea your life - think of it, dream of it, live on that idea. Let the brain, muscles, nerves, every part of your body, be full of that idea, and just leave every other idea alone. This is the way to success, that is the way great spiritual giants are produced.” - Swami Vivekananda


120 pages are completed and 80 more to go. I then have to trash 50 and edit 150. 

A labor of love. This adaptation has kept me on my toes, taught me about myself, reminded me of the world, and haunted me in a way that has forced me to realize what does and does not matter in this life. 

While writing I have experienced some major "life events" and am learning a tremendous amount. Part of which was learning that the previous relationship I was in, I was in because I loved deeply and wholly. I managed to hang on to the small pockets of goodness or, as I have been educated, the "island love". The kind of love that, in isolation and away from the world, was beautiful but when it became real, rather than helpless, became too much to endure. I was beginning to feel regret about going back a final time but now understand that I went back because I saw glimpses of beauty, tenderness, wonderful love. Unfortunately, those glimpses were simply that and it would not ever be sustainable. While I had hoped for something different, a partnership of the ages, it just wasn't going to happen. My love affair paralleled that of Dorian and Sibyl (two characters in the adaptation). Beautiful and seemingly pure but tainted by illusion and a lack of information. I loved. It ended emotional and recklessly. But it ended. As will this screenplay - only the screenplay will bring life into an entirely new breed of love and vanity and longing and misconception. It's a tale that will remind all of us to be careful what we wish for...

I will not be posting at all this coming week while I finish this screenplay so for those of you that watch closely, thank you for following me, thank you for hearing the meaning behind the words, and for being incredibly supportive.

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Oct 15, 2010

let's go vintage...

post by dawn garcia | Labels: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

You know that feeling when you open your eyes and you think, "ahh, that's done. I'm finally done" and it turns out, that's true! After my blog last night I feel like I let go of that last gnawing piece of the past. I felt relieved and really, it's finally over. My heart is starting to mend itself. I'm taking all of the steps necessary to keep my focus on the people and things in my life that actually mean something and thankfully, that's a pretty extensive list. 

I even managed to go to the beach for a quick run this morning. The air was so brisk and I could feel the moisture of the sea gently caressing my face. I ran and the tide was really high and the water just saturated my feet and it felt like heaven. It felt like all of the pain I was hanging onto was being removed from me one tide at a time and god it felt good. Sometimes you realize you're stronger than you think. I made it through this last breakup a hell of a lot faster than I had the times before. Why? Because this entire year of the "yo-yo effect" prepared me to fully walk away and I can say that today - I walked away. The good news is, my head and heart will never let me look back. Life is pretty extraordinary that way. Something I learned about myself yesterday is when I am forced to survive, I will, and I'm very resourceful in getting there quickly. I have more inner strength than I give myself credit for and no matter what, every single experience teaches me more about myself, the truly exquisite people and friends in my life, and it teaches AND reminds me that I am pretty damn lucky. 

So that's it. Surely I will reference it once in a while and my blogs aren't going to be cheery and uppity all the time because that's not life. That's not even close to life. But I will keep baring my soul to you and I will continually thank you for being gracious enough to accept me.

So now I begin a new chapter of my life. I call it vintage thinking. Why? Because the "old days" of taking the time to know someone, taking the time to spend with your friends and ones you loved was of value. I'm stripping away this modern notion that I have to be out there dating, being cool, being politically correct, or whatever. Total waste of my time to be honest. I dated and had a LOT of fun before I got married. No regrets. I know what it is I want and so now, I will love the beautiful mess I am and I am going to get back to the only things that really matter. I am going to be the woman with confidence and poise and style and a heart bigger than this universe and if you don't want to be a part of it, by all means, move on. If you do, then LET'S DO THIS!


I am getting ready to strip down to my basics, enjoy this new coppery red hair, put on a shade of red lipstick and remember that I am a woman that is beautiful and strong and smart and to hell with anyone who tries to stifle that!

For a Mr. Jones:

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Oct 13, 2010

joie de vivre

post by dawn garcia | Labels: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

"I have found that a spark of joy, a reminder that no matter how much it hurts, you're capable of better, can change your world. Truth is, some things aren't meant to work. Try a new approach to living, to loving, to enjoying --- THAT is evolution. I like evolution. Choice. I choose to be happy. And it IS a choice. Stop thinking things happen "TO" you and realize life is giving you a chance to do better. Embrace that." - Dawn Garcia


Before you get too involved in this post - I am speaking my mind. Which means I am not keeping my heartache a secret. Sort of the way writers do things. They open up. They expose themselves and while some will hear the "he", I hope they actually have the know-how to realize this is about MY healing. Not about the person who played the part. He is a good man. We are simply a bad match. We are VERY different. Regardless of my venting, I am not speaking ill of him. He is a lovely person. The way we are together is bad, but that is the way we are TOGETHER. Not who he is on his own because he is a good friend (well, when we were friends) and a great entrepreneur and don't ever misunderstand my venting as anything else. This is the forum to speak my mind. If I didn't love him, I wouldn't be hurt. I did and I do and regardless of how careless we have both been, I am merely speaking about the hurt of a relationship that was bad. If you know "him" who will now only be referred to as Big Bird, try to remember this is not about him. This is about my journey as a person, a writer, a human being, a woman. I'm trying to figure my s*** out and if you have a hard time with that, I'm sorry. My relationship hurt my soul. Our differences are simply that. Again, have the "know-how" to understand that. I am a writer. Not a ballerina.

This was my Facebook status today. Why? Because I have realized that there were times in my life where I thought things happened "to" me and while certainly things do happen that you have no control over, nothing happens "to" you. It happens around you. There is no point playing the martyr or acting like you're the victim. That's the most ridiculous route to take but like everyone, I have definitely fallen into that. I almost did it this time. I allowed myself to get back into a relationship I had no business being in (primarily because I should have taken time to heal after my divorce, but it seemed like the right person and sometimes things happen) and rather than admitting it wasn't the right time, I gave into emotions and feelings and want and lost a friend of 8 years. A relationship that only ever should have been friendly. We crossed the line and forced something to "work" when the universe was giving us every sign to not go forward. We didn't listen. I didn't listen. I have never experienced anything quite like it in that the highs were high and the lows were SO low. We brought out the best and the worst in one another which led to catastrophe. 

Personality wise, we were different. I've never had such a polarized difference with someone. Some things that were in common were absolutely wonderful, specifically our love of film and experience in that world. Our views on art were pretty similar and interesting. Our views on people, definitely different. My one "fault" (though I don't really see it as a fault) is that I tend to want to see the best in everyone. I look deeper to see their potential. That can be very frustrating when you see how good or capable someone is but know they will never take the steps to realize that. It also makes it hurt a lot deeper when they disappoint you or you find out they aren't the people you thought. That happens often but I choose to still see the beauty in people. I don't care if I'm disappointed because one day, my faith in their potential will give at least one person the courage to be their best. Big Bird was more of a realist. And when people hurt him, he cut them off and moves on rather than do what I do and get caught up in the emotional hurt of it. Right or wrong, that works for him. It's probably smart. Sometimes, this caused conflict. Between us. But everyone has to do what is best for them. I cannot argue with it or claim my way is better because my way works for me. For my personality. For my life. Big Bird's way works for him.

I suppose where we differed most is how we perceived what was respectful and what was not. We also BOTH made a tremendous amount of assumptions. Of which were all pretty much wrong. Hence why this particular relationship would always be doomed to fail. No matter how much we knew better, we listened to emotions. We also let others influence way too much in our situation. When you let everyone else get involved and state their opinions, you set yourself up for failure. Unless, of course, you have the uncanny ability to speak up for the other person and know that everyone else's opinion is simply that. I stopped listening after a while to others because until you're in the situation, you can't really judge the whole thing. His perspective was different. Not bad, just the way he chose. Either way, looking back it wasn't wrong, just the universe saying, "hey, time to let go" and so now, after the series of strange emotions and really having some reflection, I let go. 

I want him to be happy. I want to be happy. But happiness is a choice, not some magical fairyland waiting for us to discover. I once made a choice during one of our "breakups" to just be happy and it was really extraordinary. Making that choice. So I'm back at it, though this time I've promised myself I won't forget about making that choice every day. This entire year and a half I had no business dating at all. (Even though I found glimpses of beauty in the midst) I had a lot of healing to do and I should have done it. BUT you stop listening to that voice inside. You start wanting everything you've been without. You start pretending someone else is capable of feeding that part of you. You convince yourself that they are "the one" when in truth, when you're that broken, that in need of healing, no one can be the one. It's a process of healing that needs to happen. I guess that's why this time it is easier to walk away. I've cried and I'm sure I will continue to cry. Mostly because my friend is gone. Mostly because I gave parts of my soul I had never given before. Mostly because while we were both often very good to one another, we were both absolutely horrible to each other as well. Both of us allowed so much to happen. Too much. We weren't emotionally mature enough to know space was the answer all along. Time. Time that would prove the theory we were not a match. We were always friends. Always better at that. 

But hindsight's a bitch, isn't it? And so, that's the gist of it. A tale of love and friendship that ended abruptly and painfully and honestly, as it was bound to. The ending part anyway. I have been SO fortunate to know a lot of couples, married and otherwise, that are happy. They aren't perfect but they commit to making it work even when it's really difficult. Why? Because that's what being in a relationship is supposed to be. BUT we are HUMAN. We vary in emotion. Right or wrong, we've all said stuff we shouldn't have. BUT these couples, these wonderful and beautiful friends and family of mine, show me the example of how much love can conquer everything. No one should ever push you to such a place you feel completely attacked. THAT is not the right relationship and that's where we were. A place I will never go back to. He and I pushed each other's buttons in the worse possible way. We knew it was happening but we failed to stop it. It's the simple dynamics between two people. Love is and will always be beautiful but if you don't push through the hardest times and really learn to trust and respect one another, it will never - EVER - work. 

So now I want to say that the people I know who are like me: creative, feisty, hard-headed, stubborn, defensive --- well, there is someone out there that will love us for that. Be willing to evolve though. Be willing to face your faults. Be willing to see the simple joy in everything. In spite of yourself. I know people who are like that. I know artist's who, because of the natural tendency to do so, forget that beauty is all we are, the sole reason we create, and we remind one another to hang on to that at any cost. I know friends that are loved BECAUSE of that. I have seen the "fighting", but not the horrid and mean, berating fighting. Fighting for love. Fighting even if the person was with someone else. Love never gives up. It just doesn't. And in the end, love prevails. So the point in all of this is make a choice to be happy. Don't wait on someone else to give that to you. Don't count on their sunshine to transfer to you. If you make the choice to be happy, you WILL be happy and then all of that goodness will attract more goodness. I have seen it, I know it to be true, and I know it's real. He and I are not bad people, just the wrong people for one another. Together we were like fire and ice. Hot and cold and the two temperatures never made it to "warm". 

Ok, that's all I suppose. This is about reflection. I like knowing life is not done with me. Not even close. I like knowing love isn't done with me either. Love is not some far off idea. It is real but searching for it or making it happen isn't the way it takes hold of you. It has to find you. It has to be the right time, the right person, the natural progression of things. Forcing it only means you forced it. Therefore, by definition, is not love. I choose to embrace the love I have with my daughter, my friends, my family. I have always been incredibly lucky to be surrounded by love and goodness and part of that is because, unless I'm in the hell I allowed myself to go to, I project the same love and goodness too. It's what you put out there people. You put out good, you get good. Period. and as my wonderful friend David reminded me, Joie de Vivre! Joie de Vivre!!!

For the sheer joy of living... 
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Oct 9, 2010

stop functioning and start living...

post by dawn garcia | Labels: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

A writer doesn't write to spew out a bunch of words. A writer cuts open their veins and lets the blood drip as we type. We expose the only thing we have. Everything. 
- Dawn Garcia

"The Big C"

I watch that new Showtime show, "The Big C" and for anyone who hasn't watched it, please do so immediately. Not only is it a superb cast and incredibly well written, the premise is profound. Often times we wait to live. We wait for things to be perfect, for everything to be just right, to have enough money, to have the right car, to have the right job, etc. The thing is, we do that with the promise that tomorrow we're going to wake up and have another day. A fresh start. A do-over if you will. But what if we don't? What if you find out you're terminal and have a year and half to live? What if you're a parent and you know you won't get to be there to see your children grow up? To fall in love. To hold them when they have their first heartbreak. What if you never have a chance to say I love you or I'm sorry? What if you never have a chance to make love on a beach. Or laugh for no reason? Enjoy the moments you do have and get rid of the ones that aren't good or healthy for you. Everything in life is a choice. Sometimes we make good choices, sometimes we don't but what's more important is how to react to the choices we make. Don't you want to start living life the way you hope is amazing? 

I know we can't just be totally reckless - I guess technically we can but we show some restraint and sense of responsibility - but we should all be living life just a little bit more. Stop waiting to go on that trip or to buy that pair of jeans or taste that food or drink that bottle of wine. Just live. Life is unexpected and it's so much nicer when you let go a little and smile. I know that I'm going to start living a lot more. I'm going to finish this screenplay. I'm going to go to Fira. I'm going to sit on the beach and swim in the ocean naked. I'm going to embrace my body. I'm going to laugh with my baby girl so much our tummy's hurt. I'm going to make better choices. I'm going to stop being an emotional reactor. I'm going to talk about how I feel and know that sometimes that means I'm going to say what you don't want to hear. I'm going to wear that dress. I'm going to sip a latte in Verona. I'm going to stop ignoring my gut instinct. I'm going to ride in that gondola and drink wine with my girlfriend and laugh because we need a break from life. I am going to go to that place in Bora Bora and soak up the sun. I am going to stop blaming myself for everything. I am going to stop listening to negativity. I am going to dance without music. I am going to have the love I dream of. I am going to climb that tree. I am going to learn how to golf - even if I suck. I could go on and on. I have a lot to be grateful for and a lot to enjoy so off I go...

What are you going to do?


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Oct 3, 2010

eternal sunshine of my spotless mind

post by dawn garcia | Labels: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

(To the one who was hurt by my openness and honesty in the blog below, I'm sorry. In the end though, it seems this time, the timing just wasn't right. I hope some day we'll get it right...)

I want to believe that today is a new day and while every obvious element lends to that theory, somehow it feels a lot like a day I've experienced too many times before. Back up against the wall. It's time I see what is actually happening before me. Sometimes we see what we want to see not what is actually there. My heart has a mind of its own. It's often misleading and while it is beautiful, I think it is going to need a much better compass. Guess it's all about pointing in two directions: daughter and career. I foolishly added another arrow and fell really deep into its direction. It's no fun always being a secret. Always being in limbo. Sometimes you need clarification. So now we're back to two. Always two. 

*I made a mistake. - I wrote this and never even gave the 3rd person a 2nd chance or a chance to explain. Emotion can be beautiful but acting on emotion can ruin something beautiful. Take your time, think before you speak. That's going to be my biggest lesson.

Lines from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind:

Joel: I can't see anything that I don't like about you.
Clementine: But you will! But you will. You know, you will think of things. And I'll get bored with you and feel trapped because that's what happens with me.
Joel: Okay.
Clementine: [pauses] Okay. 

A beautiful version of Sia's "Breathe Me" set to Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

The lyrics to this song below is my heart.  Enjoy the music. It's exquisite:


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Oct 2, 2010

Just the way you are...

post by dawn garcia | Labels: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I woke up and the rain was falling. I woke up and I realized I had love. I woke up and I realized I do love. I woke up and embraced the creativity I have to ignite in order to write. In order to live. To breathe. I do something some may find odd or incredibly unrealistic or healing or rare. I breathe through writing. I create. I choose to express those "feelings" trapped in the festering bubbling, oddly dark places dwelling within. I find the voice that often hides itself away in the shadows for fear of judgment and I set her free. If I don't who will? If I don't admit I feel defeat or sadness or fear or anger or love or beauty or freedom or laughter or accomplishment or self-doubt or confidence or loss or grief or impatience or courage or sensuality or lust or low self-esteem or joy or motherhood or worry of the unknown, then I cannot face the day with honesty. I couldn't face myself. So I expose the raw grit of what's going on inside. And in doing so I breathe. I don't have to hide in the shadows or feel shame. I can be naked and utterly exposed and beautiful because I choose to open up the floodgates and not care about who judges me or who misunderstands. We live in a world that hides behind war, hides behind judgment, hides behind religion, hides behind inexperience, violence, mistruths; a world that if you were to actually open your eyes to really experience it would see that while it is fraught with horrid behavior, it swells in absolute beauty. One person who mistreats only means there are millions, billions, that may actually see you and your beauty. A ghetto fabricated with unnecessary violence or feelings of no-way-out mean somewhere, there is a world, a place that is simple and quiet and beautiful and they don't care where you come from. They simply have a smile. We overlook the finer things. The things we cannot see because we have not yet experienced them but it doesn't mean they are not out there alive and well, waiting for you to discover them. Somewhere there are not straying bullets and instead there are people gathering food and living off the land - not recklessly, but lovingly. 

I suppose I breathe through writing because in my world, I have seen those extraordinary places. Sometimes I don't have to go anywhere, I just have to look in someone's eyes. Don't be afraid to confront you. Because behind all of that uncertainty exists tremendous beauty because you had the courage and the audacity to admit you are not perfect and in control. You are you. 


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trust me, we think the same thing.

post by dawn garcia | Labels: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Sometimes people look at mom's who have that "holy hell, get me a drink and get me one fast" look and think those moms are crazy. Mind you they didn't just have the swinging roller coaster of emotion that you just did as you're 3 year-old "tween-in-training" gives you kisses and hugs you and tells you how much she loves you only to turn into the closest thing related to the exorcist because you said "no" and she kicks and screams and tells you you're a horrible mom, mean, and wishes you would just disappear forever. Forever! How. dare. you. The truth is, we wonder what's going on too, but then after the enormous and strangely hysterical tantrum our child just threw, we want to hug and squeeze them (and yes, sometimes imagine we were Samantha from "Bewitched" so we could just freeze time, drink a bottle of wine, do a yoga routine to center our "inner self", and get in a two-hour nap).
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what. love. can. mean.

post by dawn garcia | Labels: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

“Every man is afraid of something. That's how you know he's in love with you; when he is afraid of losing you.”

 

Nothing in life seems more soaring and more painful than love. The very emotion that cannot be explained away by science or religion is the one emotion that gives all of us that insatiable appetite to feel it. It is the reason we breathe and hope and dream and the thing that can also tear us down and break us. I've been in love, I have loved, I do love, I have been traumatized by love, I have been rejuvenated by love. I have been tormented by loved and saved by love. I have experienced love not merely romantic, but parental, innate, encouraging... I thought I knew what love really was until I became a mother. All of a sudden love takes a turn. It becomes raw and fragile, hopeful and enslaving. It makes you go so deep inside of yourself and it cannot be contained. I see my child and I see love. Pure, whole, untainted, unbiased, and beautiful. 

 

And then I think of that "other half" love. The kind I once believed in. The kind I thought could break through any wall and I realized I'm wrong. It may exist but perhaps I've been too battered to even allow it. Maybe the truth is I will go through life alone - not without love but without a mate. A partner. I will not place that burden on anyone. Perhaps I ask too much. Perhaps I am unwilling to see that maybe I am so strong and expect so much, love is not possible. I know everyone carries a burden but really? Why does this have to be mine? Why so much suffering? I just can't understand.

 

It can be exhausting to wait. To want. To hope. But if we do nothing and give up, we end up with nothing. I face the failure of loving head on because maybe one day, I'll get it right. Maybe one day, there will be another half. And if not, I will find a way to make myself whole and hope a bit harder.



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Sep 22, 2010

damn if I don't LOVE Glee...

post by dawn garcia | Labels: , , , , , , , ,

Goddamn I love Glee. Yes. Love. If I could just give up on my quest for love for a while and watch Glee, well, I am. Forget all this craziness. I'm in for Glee. That's the plan. Pathetic? No way. Do you know how nice it is to have a show that you flip on and everything, and I mean everything, doesn't even matter for an hour. I sing, I dance, I smile. I mean, smile from my gut and I am SO grateful. Since the very first episode I have been hooked. Yes, I realize the entire lot of Americans are pretty much on board with this but this show is such a feel good show. So, you know what, I'm so incredibly grateful to you Gleekers out there. 

I sincerely love. LOVE this show. I'm adding a link to the latest song that just made me smile because if life isn't about the tiny little pockets of smiles, I'm not sure what is. Aside from my little girl that makes me smile all through my own personal stuff, Glee is back. And that means so are the smiles, joy, topics that SHOULD be discussed, some truth, and a little dose of Sue Sylvester and Will Shuster. Ahh its good to be distracted....


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embrace the unexpected

post by dawn garcia | Labels: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

success without a person to share it with is like a face without a smile

 

“The most essential factor is persistence - the determination never to allow your energy or enthusiasm to be dampened by the discouragement that must inevitably come.”

 

the ultimate life lived is one where you can gray and weather and look back at the love you've given, the love you've shared, the people who have given you purpose. standing idle as time passes is not an option. opening your eyes and embracing everything is when that cadence of your heart begins to move again and somehow, in the melodic throws of possibility, we begin to live.  we can linger in moments of regret and dwell in the pools of disappointment or we can swim towards the glowing ocean of dreams and the continued realm of encouragement and belief in ourselves. to grow old knowing we have given love purely, we have fostered and nurtured the beauty and innocence of our children, we have lived each day moving towards a dream - that is when we can breathe. 


when I am old and my life is near its end (if I am able to live long enough to grow old) I want to look at my daughter and see the love we have shared. I want to know that I spent every moment of my life exploring the potential of goodness and beauty and that somehow I armed her with enough knowledge and faith in the impossible that she will be truly happy. that when I see her eyes I see hope and strength and know that her life is going to be rich with incredible joy and laughter, success and integrity, but above all - love. because at the end of the day what good are we if we do not love. love our children, love our friends, love our families, love another soul that might meet yours. 


life is far too unknown, in my opinion, to spend countless hours and days and years searching for what might happen when it's over. I'd much rather relish in what is and embrace every single opportunity, smile every chance I get, ignite passion, see cultures through untainted eyes, speak freely, accept others in this world who have truly beautiful hearts regardless of who they love or what they believe.


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