Showing posts with label beautiful. Show all posts
Showing posts with label beautiful. Show all posts
Nov 17, 2010

The Human Heart - and Love

post by dawn garcia | Labels: , , , , , , , , , ,

“Truly loving another means letting go of all expectations. It means full acceptance, even celebration of another's personhood.”

 

It isn't easy to put aside judgment to attempt to see inside of someone. It takes a lot of pushing away of one's ego.  Love - well, loving someone for who they are, that's even more difficult. Loving someone and giving your heart often means that when it doesn't work out the way you'd hoped, it just feels like a piece of our heart has gone missing. Sometimes it has. Sometimes it never comes back. But the astonishing thing about the heart is it's surrounded by muscles, organs, vessels, blood. Each piece works together to rebuild. The tissue begins to form, the vessels begin to open, the organs begin to function again, the muscles protect. Those missing pieces we lose when we lose love just return in stronger form. I know it sucks, I know how much it hurts when it feels like your heart has been pulled out through your flesh - when it feels like someone's dirty shoes are standing atop it stomping the life out of it. The good news: It's just a feeling. Feelings are spontaneous, often reactionary. I just know that sometimes our hearts surprise us. 


The heart is the most beautiful organ in our bodies. It is full of hope and possibility, but above all, it has the ability to love. Love, by the way, is an unproven emotion. Scientifically it makes no sense. Sadness, happiness, anger - all emotions triggered by an action. But love, love is a spontaneous emotion that just occurs randomly without warning. It takes hold of us completely, sometimes makes us crazy, sometimes gives us peace. I have loved. I have felt so alive. I have experienced passion. I have experienced pain. But the only love I know that will never fade or falter is the love I have for my child. My biggest gift - ever. I look at her and I see my own life, know the heartbreak I've experienced or even caused and I hope she never has to go through that. That she is always strong and open-minded. That she loves and is always loved and encouraged.


Here's my fault: I have this volcano of emotion. I love so vastly and trust BUT somewhere along the lines, I began to lose hope in the romantic kind of love. Too much hurt, too many failures. Nothing is one-sided but I can only look at myself. So here's my advice to anyone almost about to walk away or maybe walked away:


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Oct 23, 2010

Important things you should always say.

post by dawn garcia | Labels: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

After watching this VideoBlog, I would like to encourage all of you to comment and give me your 4: I'm Sorry, I Believe, I Can, I Will.

(Please spread the word and share the blogs with anyone who might enjoy...)
Things I think are important to say:

1. I'm sorry. 
  • I'm sorry I get emotional. I'm sorry if I hurt you. I'm sorry that sometimes your behavior hurts me so deep I can barely breathe. Sorry I have forgotten how important really important things are. I'm sorry I have felt bad about who I am. I am sorry I allowed a lifetime of being tossed aside or feelings of neglect take on such a monstrous presence in my life. I'm sorry I get lost. I am sorry I forgot to remember that I'm imperfect and its ok. I'm sorry I didn't see the red flags and stop it before the damage was irreversible - on my side. Mostly on yours. I'm sorry I listened too much to what everyone else thought. Sorry I was verbally beaten down for being hopeful. Sorry that I forgot to hug my daughter one more time before bed. Sorry I don't like saying "no". Sorry I don't often say "no". Sorry I never got one last hug from my mom. Sorry I didn't tell that one "friend" they weren't acting much like a friend but a selfish, frigid, soulless person and sorry for not feeling better about walking away. Sorry for not being able to let love happen to me because I let too much hurt seep in from someone who knew better. Sorry I'm often wrong and too afraid to admit it. Sorry fear can be a stranglehold. Sorry you can't see the beauty in me. I'm sorry you cannot see the beauty in others. I'm sorry for not being honest about knowing I can't love you right now. Sorry because right now I have to re-learn how to love me. I'm sorry I haven't finished my screenplay. I'm sorry I wasn't a better wife. I'm sorry I wasn't a good girlfriend. I'm sorry you were a crappy boyfriend. I'm sorry you still haven't learned. I'm sorry I stole a pack of cigarettes when I was 16. I'm sorry you almost broke me. I'm sorry I miss my grandpa because he always knew how to make things seem better. I'm sorry so many people die of curable diseases. I'm sorry I cannot have any more children. I'm sorry I am always sorry. I am sorry I forgot to call back. I am sorry I forgot to say goodbye. I'm sorry I never got to say goodbye. I'm sorry I broke up with you on a blog. I'm sorry you don't see that you have to "be together" to actually break up. I am sorry I have made so many poor choices. I am sorry I forgot to smell a flower today. I am sorry you won't swim naked. I am sorry you died. I am sorry you left. I am sorry I had to let you go. I am sorry I didn't let you go. 
2. I believe. 
  • I believe anything is possible. I believe the world is better than it's allowing itself to be. I believe that life is not over just because I am heartbroken. I believe in chances. I believes in instinct. I believe in the way he kisses me. I believe in the way he looks at me now. I believe in the way I love her. I believe in the way I will give everything for her to have a better life than I have had. I believe it was not my fault I was abused. I believe it was not my fault he couldn't be a better dad. I believe it is ok to admit defeat. I believe it is beautiful to be fragile. I believe it is beautiful to have hope. I believe artists will save the world from itself. I believe music will make me write better. I believe I will win at least 2 Oscars. I believe I am beautiful. I believe I am strong. I believe you are a horrible human being. I believe that if you say you are selfish and then say you feel bad about someone else's situation and are suddenly grateful for yours, you should remember that every day when you think you're better than them. I believe you should volunteer. I believe you should not gossip. I believe you should trust your friends. I believe friends should be better friends. I believe you should believe what makes you happy. I believe in god. I don't believe I should capitalize that. I believe god is not male or female but something out there that reminds us to not be careless and instead be kind. I believe god is all of us. I believe god is none of us in that it is not religion. I believe god is science. I believe god is a child's smile. I believe god is the hawk that just flew by. I believe hate is war. I believe hate is prejudice. I believe you are foolish. I believe in friendship. I believe in love. I believe love is the answer to everything. I believe in my bestie. I believe in him. I believe in you. I believe in myself. I believe you lost your way. I believe your way is not the way you're heading. I believe in truth. I believe in honesty. I believe in emotion. I don't believe in frigidity. I do not believe in hiding behind your phony smile. I believe that you are insecure. I believe I am too. I believe in freedom. I believe in independence. I believe in being smart. I believe in wanting more. I believe in change. I believe in evolution. I believe in the evolution of you.
3. I can.
  • I can smile. I can be happy. I can prevail. I can let you go. I can wear that dress. I can make you smile. I can make you laugh. I can make you cry. I can take you down. I can call you out. I can finish this screenplay. I can write. I can sing. I can remember. I can hold your hand. I can dream of you. I can do anything. I can breathe. I can meditate. I can pray. I can flip you off. I can text like a crazy woman. I can repeat the line: "she kisses like a nymphomaniac on death row". I can be sexy. I can be classy. I can kiss your ass. I can choose not to. I can complain. I can but why. I can tell you everything you're doing wrong. I can send it to you in a memo. I can also just cut you out of my life. I can cringe when I see you pretend you care. I can help you across the street. I can buy the row of men and women living on skidrow lunch. I can remember life is not Melrose Place. I can remind you of that as well. I can protest. I can speak my mind. I can protect you. I can tickle you. I can take apart a vacuum. I can laugh. I can weld. I can use a chopsaw. I can build a piece of furniture. I can paint. I can create. I can recognize sadness within myself. I can recognize sadness in you. I can read people very well. I can and I don't. I can give you a second chance. I can also tell you to walk out the door, don't turn around now, cuz you're not welcome anymore. I can sneak a peek. I can be a beautiful mess. I can high-five you. I can contemplate. I can see right through you. I can appreciate. I can trust you. I can learn from my mistakes. I can help you pick out a Halloween costume. I can be your makeup artist. I can make you feel bad. I can NOT forgive you. I also can forgive you. I can read. I can pick a great piece of art out of a museum. I can enjoy wine. I can turn you down. I can make you want me. I can make you wish you had me. I can remind you what you have is amazing. I can show you how lucky you are. I can send you to see your family. I can love my family. I can disagree with family. I can disagree with you. I can feel guilt. I can feel remorse. I can feel pain. I can cry. I can reach out to you. I can help you heal. I can build a life. I can do things differently. I can let you in. I can push you out. I can soar. I can swim naked in the ocean. I can taste the rain. I can enjoy exquisite food. I can eat a hot dog off a cart. I can appreciate the world. 
4. I will. 
  • I will move on. I will be ok. I will be a wonderful mother. I will be a wonderful wife. I will be a wonderful friend. I will disappoint you. I will hurt you. I will learn to trust you. I will learn to trust myself. I will sip wine on the coast of Positano. I will walk the streets of Europe. I will be madly in love. Forever. I will not be forgotten. I will make my words count. I will not waste my talent. I will make love to you in a crowded restaurant. I will sometimes say no. I will win those Oscars. I will win a Pulitzer. I will never forget who I've lost. I will never forget what I've lost. I will repair the damage. I will heal my heart. I will learn to understand the why. I will never let anyone hurt my baby. I will protect the ones I love. I will dance for no reason. I will scream at the top of a mountain. I will let the water touch my toes. I will let you ... I will remind you to be better. I will remind you that you are nothing. I will hold you accountable. I will hold myself accountable. I will read more. I will listen more. I will trust my gut more. I will be confident. I will win. I will lose. I will die. I will live. I will support you. I will not lie. I will lie if the fish dies - again. I will protect her innocence. I will believe in her dreams. I will believe in your dreams. I will believe in my dreams. I will live by the sea. I will make it happen. I will stop procrastinating. I will find my groove. I will --- survive. I will make references to silly disco songs. I will turn off the radio. I will discover new talent. I will grow. I will encourage. I will give her opportunity. I will not waste my own. I will submit to you. I will do so in private. I will speak my heart. I will not apologize for who I am. I will be ok with me. I will be ok with you. I will hear the meaning behind your words. I will call you a liar. I will hope you change. I will hope. I will finish. I will enjoy my sensuality. I will know who I am. I will know who you are. I will smile at a stranger. I will not let you poison the well. I will forget. I will --- will.

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Oct 15, 2010

let's go vintage...

post by dawn garcia | Labels: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

You know that feeling when you open your eyes and you think, "ahh, that's done. I'm finally done" and it turns out, that's true! After my blog last night I feel like I let go of that last gnawing piece of the past. I felt relieved and really, it's finally over. My heart is starting to mend itself. I'm taking all of the steps necessary to keep my focus on the people and things in my life that actually mean something and thankfully, that's a pretty extensive list. 

I even managed to go to the beach for a quick run this morning. The air was so brisk and I could feel the moisture of the sea gently caressing my face. I ran and the tide was really high and the water just saturated my feet and it felt like heaven. It felt like all of the pain I was hanging onto was being removed from me one tide at a time and god it felt good. Sometimes you realize you're stronger than you think. I made it through this last breakup a hell of a lot faster than I had the times before. Why? Because this entire year of the "yo-yo effect" prepared me to fully walk away and I can say that today - I walked away. The good news is, my head and heart will never let me look back. Life is pretty extraordinary that way. Something I learned about myself yesterday is when I am forced to survive, I will, and I'm very resourceful in getting there quickly. I have more inner strength than I give myself credit for and no matter what, every single experience teaches me more about myself, the truly exquisite people and friends in my life, and it teaches AND reminds me that I am pretty damn lucky. 

So that's it. Surely I will reference it once in a while and my blogs aren't going to be cheery and uppity all the time because that's not life. That's not even close to life. But I will keep baring my soul to you and I will continually thank you for being gracious enough to accept me.

So now I begin a new chapter of my life. I call it vintage thinking. Why? Because the "old days" of taking the time to know someone, taking the time to spend with your friends and ones you loved was of value. I'm stripping away this modern notion that I have to be out there dating, being cool, being politically correct, or whatever. Total waste of my time to be honest. I dated and had a LOT of fun before I got married. No regrets. I know what it is I want and so now, I will love the beautiful mess I am and I am going to get back to the only things that really matter. I am going to be the woman with confidence and poise and style and a heart bigger than this universe and if you don't want to be a part of it, by all means, move on. If you do, then LET'S DO THIS!


I am getting ready to strip down to my basics, enjoy this new coppery red hair, put on a shade of red lipstick and remember that I am a woman that is beautiful and strong and smart and to hell with anyone who tries to stifle that!

For a Mr. Jones:

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Oct 5, 2010

A beautiful mess...

post by dawn garcia | Labels: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Sometimes we forget who we are. We get caught up in events happening "to" us or "with" us or "around" us and we lose the epitome of "me". Of "you". We let go of that instinctive need to be okay with who we are and stop apologizing. For me, I feel like I'm constantly having to apologize for being "emotional" or too open about what's happening. People are offended or annoyed because somehow they see themselves in a blog I write, whether or not it's about them. People see what they want to see. But you know, I'm just me. I'm incredibly flawed and often a mess. (Though I have one friend who hates it when I use the term "mess". The reply from this friend is "you're not a mess, you're just perfection in progress") But what if I am? What if I am a mess. Messy because from my conception, life finds it necessary to test my strengths, push my buttons and see if I'll still love it back. If I'll give up. If I'll stop caring or being nurturing or being god forbid --- emotional. To that I say f*** you. I will often feel like quitting. I get mad and frustrated and have stupid moments of weakness where I think, "god, why are you always here? Why are you so friggin screwed up". I do. I then go to a place where I question everything about myself with the exception of being a good mom because that - THAT I'm great at! 

I think, hey, I'm a writer. Maybe I'm actually good at that but regardless, I'm writing so even when someone thinks it is too "honest" or "crass" or "exposing" I don't care. I cannot care. If I spent all of my time being so cautious then I would probably stop getting emails about how grateful someone is that I am willing to show even the ugliest parts of myself and not apologize for it. I can't hide behind perfection or spout claims of "let's all just love each other" because sometimes, sometimes you get hurt. Sometimes you're not okay with things. Sometimes you do wonder what the hell is wrong with me. And you know, A LOT is wrong with me. I'm an imperfect girl. But at least I can admit that and still spend every second of my life working towards being better. Working towards not letting life's pissy little tantrums take away the essence of who I am. Sure, sometimes I really hate that I forgive so much. I hate that I overreact. I hate that I look in the mirror and allow certain situations to taint what I see. But in that dark place, in the worst places of me is love. Not shallow, apathetic love but compassionate and true and beautiful and empathic and hopeful. I do see the best in people, so what. If I don't, there aren't enough of us out there who will. Someone's gotta be able to see past your brick or steel wall and see that inside is beauty. Inside you are capable of so much more. There aren't enough of us out there asking you to be better, asking you to risk it so you CAN have love or be loved or be the ones brave enough to tell you, fuck off and go away because you're too painful, because you're poison. Because even when we say that - when I say that - I mean, do better because in some way, I'll still be here hoping you're going to be better.

I may seem sad or say things like my heart is breaking or I feel like I'm suffering. It's true. But wake up people, that's called being human and I am SO grateful I feel at all. I can't imagine allowing any one situation or person to leave such nasty wounds on my heart that I'm not able to tape it back together. Sure, it's not going to be as pretty as it used to be and once in a while a little blood seeps through but eventually, the tape will work. The pieces will stick and even when they start to peel and weather, I'll put stronger, better tape on. I can't lose my heart. I can't give up hoping. I can't stop writing. I can't pretend. I just can't. If you don't like it, don't read it. If you think it's about you, maybe it is, maybe it isn't. Unless you see YOUR name, don't make assumptions.

So am I a mess? I am a mess but maybe, maybe I can be a beautiful mess. Maybe a mess isn't such a terrible thing. It's honest, right? It is fragile and bitter and strong and empowering. But a mess can still be beautiful so here I am - exposed. Messy. Imperfect. And?


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