(This picture to the left is love. Raw, broken, funny, sweet, honest - but above all, perfectly flawed.)
The past is something that can haunt us if we let it. OR the past can be a lesson in incredible memories, great experiences, terrible choices, reminders of what we are and are not. My past has been something that has hung on to me with a very tight grip. It has enveloped me and has attached itself like a cancer and so I stopped - I mean this is why I'm going to therapy in the first place. And it's time to listen. Today I'm going to let it go. Delete emails, forget phone numbers, walk away. And any tie that is left will, in time, be let go. I have to focus only on the good and stop dwelling on things that I cannot change. There is a saying that recovering addicts say, I'm thinking it might work for those who allow the past to be a very dirty drug. Love can be a drug. It can be euphoric. It can be scary. It can stop your heart. It can be addicting. OR it can be healing. It can make you whole again. Here is the saying addicts recite:
grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
And so, on to my blog:
Today was definitely a great day. An odd day. A day I realized my family can be really loud, but a great day nonetheless. My tear well finally dried up! The crying has stopped. Last night I was having another hard day. I was feeling sad and missing someone that I love but hasn't taken the time to really see me and maybe I kept seeing past him but I offered one final thread of hope and I realized the last step is to move forward. And so, I will. I realized that there is nothing left to hold on to. Nothing left to love. It was a relationship I learned a great deal from. One I made a gazillion mistakes in but also one that gave me glimpses of what I want and what I can offer. I have big things ahead of me. My baby has a lot to see and do and experience and I don't want to waste another minute being heartbroken and hurt over something there is no way I can change. So, I move on. anyway back to last night. I felt horrible last night. I went to see "Love & Other Drugs", which is one hell of a movie! Great story, incredible sex scenes and a message: when it is love, you never stop fighting. I fought so hard for an entire year. I went through hell but I fought. This time, I have tried everything. I offered the one last thing that could have maybe made sense of it all and in truth, I have no idea if that even resonated but I realized what I need is my friends. The real ones. The ones that seem to be there in the worst of moments, see me when I am not my best, deal with my attitude or an overreaction and they love me anyway.
So last night, I hung out with one of my best friends. A friend I haven't known for very long - 7 months actually - but somehow this friend has been more patient and loving than anyone I've ever known and we're just ourselves. No pretense, no drama, no b.s. There are no false promises and when I'm pissed and annoyed or crying like a lunatic, that friend teaches me that it really doesn't matter how crappy you feel or act, a friend that loves and cares about you sticks around. That movie taught me almost the same thing. Granted I walked out of that theater so hurt and sad, I couldn't get to my car fast enough (where I sat in the front seat and cried so hard I couldn't breathe), but I heard the lesson. The guy, even if the girl is messy and imperfect, and pushes him away, doesn't walk away. He listens to his heart and he'd rather be with the girl that's a mess, and one day will be unrecognizable, and enjoy whatever time they have than be without her for one more second. That's my kind of man. So, I'm taking care of myself. I'm recognizing ALL of my faults, I'm learning about pieces of my past I honestly knew nothing about (which is scarier than I ever imagined) but I'm healing. I'm remembering memories like something as simple as him "pricing" a ring only to realize I was living in a world of "promises". Promises that never saw the light of day. So time to let go. Time to move forward. I've got one hell of a life ahead of me and there are things to conquer. I will heal. Slowly, painfully, patiently - but I'm healing. I'm patient and calm and am starting to understand how I operate; what my natural response is and why. In the course of the doing this it makes it all SO much easier! I get it!
So, my point is, today is a new day. I am so grateful to the past, to my once "heartbeat" because I learned a lot. And without this heartache and odd rebound or devastation, I wouldn't know how much was ahead of me. I wouldn't have taken the steps to heal. So, S, I am grateful to you. I am grateful for all you have taught me. I am grateful for the time we shared, good and bad, but now I've gotta break free. My heart will eventually follow suit. I can't hang on to the past nor do I want to. I've got to focus on what's coming. I made a huge breakthrough with my screenplay this week and that will take on the life it needs to in order to be done. The "line" I will be launching next year is FINALLY in progress and I even have a manufacturing company in Mexico. Anthropologie will carry it, as will Saks, Bloomingdales, and the HSN. I have no doubt I'll be successful. Business, Motherhood, Love, Family, Friends. I have this perfectly lovely and unique and smart, strong-willed, baby that deserves me at my best. Not crying. Not hurt. Time to just get over it. I know myself well enough to know, when I get to this point, I'm golden. When I realize when to walk away, I do it.
