Showing posts with label Politics. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Politics. Show all posts
Dec 18, 2010

a 3 year-old and an ambulance.

post by dawn garcia | Labels: , , , , , , , , ,

First of all, forgive the run-on sentences, poor grammar, and possible chaos in this blog.

I know I said I was off but after an ambulance ride (by the way, nowhere near as cool as the ambulance scene in "About A Boy") and seeing my 3 year-old in traction, being surrounded by paramedics - well, I figured perhaps I had another blog left in me. Let me just say to anyone who ever doubts it, never underestimate how lucky you are to have someone beside you. Single parenting is by far one of the most challenging adventures of my life thus far but moreso because my heart is bigger than I ever imaged and she fills most of it up. This perfectly wonderful little one who makes everything extraordinary --- and knows precisely how to make me need to do relaxation breathing in those less than patient times. But today after a very hard fall in the Toy Story Mania 3D line, it was one of those moments. You see, in trauma, I tend to become eerily calm. It's like spooky zen. I don't have much to say (odd for me), I smile, I politely ask questions, I hold my baby's hand, hold her close, I breathe, and I just stay, well, calm. That's not to be confused with tranquil because THAT is not at all what's happening inside. Inside I'm a knot. I'm churning and wincing, and near vomit but I hide it all with an acceptable smile and a very mellow tone. I hold my baby's hand, I tell her a story, I remind her how brave she is, and then, once the ER doc tells us she's ok and I can take her home. I breathe. A little. And then I call her dad (ex-husband) to pick us up because my car is still at Disneyland. Good thing he and I are friendly.

So we get home, I pack her things because as it turns out this week is one of two she will get with just her dad this year. So they come here while I finish packing up her things, she plays like nothing has happened. I remind her that she needs to slow down or we'll end up back at the ER which now, because there were no "pokes" (i.e., shots), she actually thinks is kind of cool. Great. Now I need a new threat. Shoot! Anyway, she runs around, plays drums on every surface, all the while I'm packing up her favorite blankey and favorite "friend" and picking out the DVD's she'll take with her to daddy's. And then she hugs me tight and says, "ok mom, put me down" and she kisses me, reluctantly because in her mind, a week is 2 days, and off they go. Door closes. Churning increases, worry rears it's ugly head, and bottom lip starts quivering. Before you know it, I'm in fetal position on the bed sobbing because the thought of anything horrible or harmful happening to my little world *my child* is unbearable. Unbearable!

And then while I'm crying I realize my house is quiet. I can't call my family because they're pissed I didn't call 20 of them while in the ER, mad because a pic posted on Facebook, which in hindsight was probably stupid, but still. The realization that my family prefers to react in agitation or pointing out I didn't do something the "right" way sets in. Inside I'd like to tell them to piss off. But I just hit ignore and send a text saying, "maybe you can realize this wasn't about you and perhaps try a little something called understanding". This is when I realize how much it sucks to not have my mom. Granted she's been dead 20 years but sometimes, I think she was the only person blood related that understood me at all. Such is the life of a creative and intellectual person I think. Not to say they, my family, aren't smart, because they are, but they certainly aren't liberal in thought. In fact, and yes, here's where it explains some of my religious annoyance - my entire family (ok, wait, except Kev, you're in your own special sub-category) are right wing Christian Republicans and all of us have the issue of needing to be in control. (I know) However, we never agree agree on religion or politics and the scope of which we can talk about things is ever shrinking. Thankfully we talk of our children (and I am in love with my nieces and nephews) but in these moments, I'm not so sure we'll ever see eye to eye. Now let me clarify that I love my family and they have been there for me many times but last night I didn't need what happened. Of all nights, it just wasn't the night. I have to also say that while I complain about their views because to me, they are a little narrow minded, they have good hearts and I know they mean well, it just doesn't always turn out well. 

Anyway, my day was a little chaotic. Started out great, had a pretty intense drop, and now tomorrow I'm supposed to leave town to work on the one thing that will give us a better life, more opportunity, and give me some peace. I really need some peace. This is probably the most personal blog I'll post on here but sadly at this moment, it's easier talking to a blank blog post than those closest to me (family-wise I mean). I'm a big believer that we all screw up from time to time but today - today was NOT the day to vent to me about your issue with how I handled things. Because as a mom, I hate to say it, the only person that I HAVE to focus on and be concerned about is 3. And she's my baby and everyone else, like it or not, is secondary. It doesn't mean I don't care it just means you're not my first priority - or even my fifth. So, there it is. Do not make something that is happening within my little unit about you.

Ok. So now I wait as my little love sleeps at her dad's. I wait for the "check-in" texts to be sure that my baby has no signs of concussion or hematoma. No vomiting. No listlessness. No - anything on the 50 page handout they gave about things to do in the event of a head injury. And I cry here and there because that image of her in traction on a stiff blue board is haunting. Perhaps I should have prefaced this all with saying I am the ultimate mama bear. I will do anything for my little love. Anything. And yet this week, she's not with me and I have to trust her dad to take good care of her. When she's with me 80% of the time, that 20% is awfully quiet. And so I pack. Reluctantly. In hopes I can go on this trip. Because honestly, I feel like my limbs are cut off right now. A place to sit and think and write and be free sounds like heaven.

So that's the summation of my day and brief glimpse into my family tree (that appears to have some sort of strange bacteria festering on its branches). And now I go back to packing. Sadly I don't even know what I'm putting in the suitcase and yet somehow it's getting fuller. Amazing. Yes. I'm finally done. Off I go.

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Dec 11, 2010

A moral and intellectual emergency.

post by dawn garcia | Labels: , , , , , ,


“According to the most common interpretation of biblical prophecy, Jesus will return only after things have gone horribly awry. Imagine the consequences if any significant component of the U.S. government believed that the world was about to end and that its ending would be glorious. The fact that nearly half of the American population apparently believes this should be considered a moral and intellectual emergency.” - Sam Harris

When Americans stops referring to the Bible as a reference for when Jesus is coming back, I'll be thrilled because how is it, he hasn't come back yet? This isn't the first time the world has become "morally" corrupt. I mean how many times will they come up with another reason as to why the prediction of the year 2000 being the "end of days" never came true? I'm guessing that's just a small oversight. And quite honestly, if he is coming back I'd like to see him chillin' with Mahatma Ghandi, Siddharta, and Mother Theresa. At least I'll know he listened to other ideals. And look, if I'm wrong I'll be the first to say, "wow, Jesus, for one, I'm SO glad you're actually dark skinned since you were technically Middle Eastern, and two, I can accept when I'm wrong, now let's go get us some sinners --- oh wait, right, that's ALL OF US!"

I've said it once and I'll say it again, the religious right and those that demoralize others in the name of "Jesus" are not doing a very good job of interpreting the idea of "Love your neighbor as thyself".  Ok, I'm done. Shoot, not quite.

To be clear, I'm not knocking you if you're a good person, nor do I have anything against Christians, but any religion that teaches you to spend so much time focusing on the afterlife has forgotten one tiny crucial detail: if you do that and that is what your days are filled with, you're actually missing the one life you're living - RIGHT NOW. And that, people, that is the real gift. So let's put religion aside and if you are a "believer" of any religion, you are missing the core lesson in all of it which is to be KIND to one another. Less war, more thoughtfulness.

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Nov 3, 2010

Seek truth, endure suffering.

post by dawn garcia | Labels: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

“If you limit your choices only to what seems possible or reasonable, you disconnect yourself from what you truly want, and all that is left is compromise.”


My PDC just sent this to me. It is absolutely essential to where I am at right now. I took a few hours off of writing to be a mom and before getting back to writing tonight, wanted to re-post this (for those keeping track, I'm at 150pgs). Just remember how important and powerful choice is. It can affect love, disdain, everything. Much like "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind", it is possible to erase a memory or at least change your emotional reaction to a situation or a trauma. I am going the Spotless Mind route: light therapy to erase, or rather shift, a recent relationship in order to move forward. One valuable lesson I'm learning is to be very careful who you befriend or allow in your life. When you're on the road to success, people will come in and try to knock you off course. Be stronger than that, stronger than them. In the end the real friends, the really valuable people in your life will be there and when you can't always spend time together, it never changes the core of your relationship. Real is real. Period. 

While this post is more Eastern Philosophy, it applies to success, to people, to art. All of my artist friends know exactly what this means. It seems in order to be a real artist, one must endure a tremendous amount of suffering. I always remember the torment Einstein endured. The fact that Walt Disney was fired twice for "lacking creativity and imagination". People, the people who cannot fathom you will do exactly what you dream, will try and tear you down and tell you "you can't". Who cares what they say! They are miserable, unhappy people who tear you down because they 1)lack imagination, 2) are too self-absorbed to imagine you'll do what they can never achieve, 3) live in a gossip, insane bubble that allows them to "try" and judge you, put you down because they clearly haven't the gull or intellect or will to do what you are doing. Nay-sayers exist for the sole purpose to prove them wrong. They are not the exception. YOU ARE. Artists, you know who you are, remember the things others have endured and you will know you are on the right path. The more people tell you, "you can't" the more you should know, "you will".  Jealousy rears its head at every turn. Mediocrity is not the artist's "M.O." - determination, endurance, and the mere knowledge that they will - and can - achieve something miraculous is why we do what we do in the first place.

The Four Noble Truths
1. Life means suffering.
2. The origin of suffering is attachment.
3. The cessation of suffering is attainable.
4. The path to the cessation of suffering.

1. Life means suffering.
To live means to suffer, because the human nature is not perfect and neither is the world we live in. During our lifetime, we inevitably have to endure physical suffering such as pain, sickness, injury, tiredness, old age, and eventually death; and we have to endure psychological suffering like sadness, fear, frustration, disappointment, and depression. Although there are different degrees of suffering and there are also positive experiences in life that we perceive as the opposite of suffering, such as ease, comfort and happiness, life in its totality is imperfect and incomplete, because our world is subject to impermanence. This means we are never able to keep permanently what we strive for, and just as happy moments pass by, we ourselves and our loved ones will pass away one day, too.

2. The origin of suffering is attachment.
The origin of suffering is attachment to transient things and the ignorance thereof. Transient things do not only include the physical objects that surround us, but also ideas, and -in a greater sense- all objects of our perception. Ignorance is the lack of understanding of how our mind is attached to impermanent things. The reasons for suffering are desire, passion, ardour, pursuit of wealth and prestige, striving for fame and popularity, or in short: craving and clinging. Because the objects of our attachment are transient, their loss is inevitable, thus suffering will necessarily follow. Objects of attachment also include the idea of a "self" which is a delusion, because there is no abiding self. What we call "self" is just an imagined entity, and we are merely a part of the ceaseless becoming of the universe.

3. The cessation of suffering is attainable.
The cessation of suffering can be attained through nirodha. Nirodha means the unmaking of sensual craving and conceptual attachment. The third noble truth expresses the idea that suffering can be ended by attaining dispassion. Nirodha extinguishes all forms of clinging and attachment. This means that suffering can be overcome through human activity, simply by removing the cause of suffering. Attaining and perfecting dispassion is a process of many levels that ultimately results in the state of Nirvana. Nirvana means freedom from all worries, troubles, complexes, fabrications and ideas. Nirvana is not comprehensible for those who have not attained it.

4. The path to the cessation of suffering.
There is a path to the end of suffering - a gradual path of self-improvement, which is described more detailed in the Eightfold Path. It is the middle way between the two extremes of excessive self-indulgence (hedonism) and excessive self-mortification (asceticism); and it leads to the end of the cycle of rebirth. The latter quality discerns it from other paths which are merely "wandering on the wheel of becoming", because these do not have a final object. The path to the end of suffering can extend over many lifetimes, throughout which every individual rebirth is subject to karmic conditioning. Craving, ignorance, delusions, and its effects will disappear gradually, as progress is made on the path.

For more on this: http://www.thebigview.com/buddhism/fourtruths.html

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Oct 28, 2010

Healthcare Companies: the bullets.

post by dawn garcia | Labels: , , , , , , , , , , ,

So while I tend to talk a lot about emotion and "feelings" and our own personal betterment, I would like to take a moment to complain and make personal attacks against our friggin' government. In a world that seems to be belly-up, it seems the economy in this country is right on board. The job market, the housing market, the continual demise brought on by health insurance companies. Health insurance companies just raping individuals with more increased rates, less plan options, more fine print. Better hope to god you don't have to go to the doctor for anything! Like me. Unfortunately, my uterus is crowded with cysts and fibroids and signs of potential cancerous cells and I can't even go to my OB with confidence. Amidst my own personal growth and emotional stagger, I still believed pretty heavily in my health plan. Until I realized what a complete crock individual plans are. (This is a moment where being married was almost worth it just to have better health insurance. I could go to the doctor whenever I wanted, there were few rules - sheesh, and I once complained about having to spend money covering 20% of out-of-network visits. Ahh, now that seems like a dream come true.) So how to resolve this. Write. My next step is to get signed by WME2, which I'm working tediously towards, get that picture deal, work on the 2nd screenplay-for-hire, and go through the WGA for medical insurance. At least it's better than the crap I have now! And I have great individual insurance. Well, great considering there are NO other tangible options!

I am in so much pain, seriously feverish, knowing my body well enough to know something is very wrong but I cannot even fathom flippin' the medical insurance bill. It's insane. $4000 a year for what. Seriously. What the hell are you doing with my money, especially when you consider my deductibles, having no pre-existing condition, etc. At least my child is covered under her dad's health plan. One small miracle in the midst of the medical woes. I wonder when someone is going to force a change. Sure as hell ain't going to be Obama! Not that vagina-Palin will give two sh**ts either. I'd like a party reform. One that remembers who it governs ... human beings. And, uh, we're kind of fed up with the direction of leadership. No viable candidates, no viable options in terms of alternative health care. What the hell do we do? 

Oh yes, that's right. I pay my $1000 deductible, I pay the 25% of the negotiated rate AFTER my $50 co-pay and I go home and hope to god I don't have cancer because f----. Then I'd just pull a "Big C" and opt out of not doing it. I wouldn't go through with treatment because I really don't want to bankrupt my daughter so I can have healthcare! So here's to hoping I'm perfectly fine and just being financially raped by the bastards running the Healthcare monopoly. 

*Disclaimer: Yes, I'm aware my issue pales in comparison to most. My mother died due to malpractice 20 years ago. My niece died of Leukemia. I know some people have no medical care at all. I'm not discounting anything or saying my situation is worse. Just admitting it sucks.
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Oct 23, 2010

Important things you should always say.

post by dawn garcia | Labels: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

After watching this VideoBlog, I would like to encourage all of you to comment and give me your 4: I'm Sorry, I Believe, I Can, I Will.

(Please spread the word and share the blogs with anyone who might enjoy...)
Things I think are important to say:

1. I'm sorry. 
  • I'm sorry I get emotional. I'm sorry if I hurt you. I'm sorry that sometimes your behavior hurts me so deep I can barely breathe. Sorry I have forgotten how important really important things are. I'm sorry I have felt bad about who I am. I am sorry I allowed a lifetime of being tossed aside or feelings of neglect take on such a monstrous presence in my life. I'm sorry I get lost. I am sorry I forgot to remember that I'm imperfect and its ok. I'm sorry I didn't see the red flags and stop it before the damage was irreversible - on my side. Mostly on yours. I'm sorry I listened too much to what everyone else thought. Sorry I was verbally beaten down for being hopeful. Sorry that I forgot to hug my daughter one more time before bed. Sorry I don't like saying "no". Sorry I don't often say "no". Sorry I never got one last hug from my mom. Sorry I didn't tell that one "friend" they weren't acting much like a friend but a selfish, frigid, soulless person and sorry for not feeling better about walking away. Sorry for not being able to let love happen to me because I let too much hurt seep in from someone who knew better. Sorry I'm often wrong and too afraid to admit it. Sorry fear can be a stranglehold. Sorry you can't see the beauty in me. I'm sorry you cannot see the beauty in others. I'm sorry for not being honest about knowing I can't love you right now. Sorry because right now I have to re-learn how to love me. I'm sorry I haven't finished my screenplay. I'm sorry I wasn't a better wife. I'm sorry I wasn't a good girlfriend. I'm sorry you were a crappy boyfriend. I'm sorry you still haven't learned. I'm sorry I stole a pack of cigarettes when I was 16. I'm sorry you almost broke me. I'm sorry I miss my grandpa because he always knew how to make things seem better. I'm sorry so many people die of curable diseases. I'm sorry I cannot have any more children. I'm sorry I am always sorry. I am sorry I forgot to call back. I am sorry I forgot to say goodbye. I'm sorry I never got to say goodbye. I'm sorry I broke up with you on a blog. I'm sorry you don't see that you have to "be together" to actually break up. I am sorry I have made so many poor choices. I am sorry I forgot to smell a flower today. I am sorry you won't swim naked. I am sorry you died. I am sorry you left. I am sorry I had to let you go. I am sorry I didn't let you go. 
2. I believe. 
  • I believe anything is possible. I believe the world is better than it's allowing itself to be. I believe that life is not over just because I am heartbroken. I believe in chances. I believes in instinct. I believe in the way he kisses me. I believe in the way he looks at me now. I believe in the way I love her. I believe in the way I will give everything for her to have a better life than I have had. I believe it was not my fault I was abused. I believe it was not my fault he couldn't be a better dad. I believe it is ok to admit defeat. I believe it is beautiful to be fragile. I believe it is beautiful to have hope. I believe artists will save the world from itself. I believe music will make me write better. I believe I will win at least 2 Oscars. I believe I am beautiful. I believe I am strong. I believe you are a horrible human being. I believe that if you say you are selfish and then say you feel bad about someone else's situation and are suddenly grateful for yours, you should remember that every day when you think you're better than them. I believe you should volunteer. I believe you should not gossip. I believe you should trust your friends. I believe friends should be better friends. I believe you should believe what makes you happy. I believe in god. I don't believe I should capitalize that. I believe god is not male or female but something out there that reminds us to not be careless and instead be kind. I believe god is all of us. I believe god is none of us in that it is not religion. I believe god is science. I believe god is a child's smile. I believe god is the hawk that just flew by. I believe hate is war. I believe hate is prejudice. I believe you are foolish. I believe in friendship. I believe in love. I believe love is the answer to everything. I believe in my bestie. I believe in him. I believe in you. I believe in myself. I believe you lost your way. I believe your way is not the way you're heading. I believe in truth. I believe in honesty. I believe in emotion. I don't believe in frigidity. I do not believe in hiding behind your phony smile. I believe that you are insecure. I believe I am too. I believe in freedom. I believe in independence. I believe in being smart. I believe in wanting more. I believe in change. I believe in evolution. I believe in the evolution of you.
3. I can.
  • I can smile. I can be happy. I can prevail. I can let you go. I can wear that dress. I can make you smile. I can make you laugh. I can make you cry. I can take you down. I can call you out. I can finish this screenplay. I can write. I can sing. I can remember. I can hold your hand. I can dream of you. I can do anything. I can breathe. I can meditate. I can pray. I can flip you off. I can text like a crazy woman. I can repeat the line: "she kisses like a nymphomaniac on death row". I can be sexy. I can be classy. I can kiss your ass. I can choose not to. I can complain. I can but why. I can tell you everything you're doing wrong. I can send it to you in a memo. I can also just cut you out of my life. I can cringe when I see you pretend you care. I can help you across the street. I can buy the row of men and women living on skidrow lunch. I can remember life is not Melrose Place. I can remind you of that as well. I can protest. I can speak my mind. I can protect you. I can tickle you. I can take apart a vacuum. I can laugh. I can weld. I can use a chopsaw. I can build a piece of furniture. I can paint. I can create. I can recognize sadness within myself. I can recognize sadness in you. I can read people very well. I can and I don't. I can give you a second chance. I can also tell you to walk out the door, don't turn around now, cuz you're not welcome anymore. I can sneak a peek. I can be a beautiful mess. I can high-five you. I can contemplate. I can see right through you. I can appreciate. I can trust you. I can learn from my mistakes. I can help you pick out a Halloween costume. I can be your makeup artist. I can make you feel bad. I can NOT forgive you. I also can forgive you. I can read. I can pick a great piece of art out of a museum. I can enjoy wine. I can turn you down. I can make you want me. I can make you wish you had me. I can remind you what you have is amazing. I can show you how lucky you are. I can send you to see your family. I can love my family. I can disagree with family. I can disagree with you. I can feel guilt. I can feel remorse. I can feel pain. I can cry. I can reach out to you. I can help you heal. I can build a life. I can do things differently. I can let you in. I can push you out. I can soar. I can swim naked in the ocean. I can taste the rain. I can enjoy exquisite food. I can eat a hot dog off a cart. I can appreciate the world. 
4. I will. 
  • I will move on. I will be ok. I will be a wonderful mother. I will be a wonderful wife. I will be a wonderful friend. I will disappoint you. I will hurt you. I will learn to trust you. I will learn to trust myself. I will sip wine on the coast of Positano. I will walk the streets of Europe. I will be madly in love. Forever. I will not be forgotten. I will make my words count. I will not waste my talent. I will make love to you in a crowded restaurant. I will sometimes say no. I will win those Oscars. I will win a Pulitzer. I will never forget who I've lost. I will never forget what I've lost. I will repair the damage. I will heal my heart. I will learn to understand the why. I will never let anyone hurt my baby. I will protect the ones I love. I will dance for no reason. I will scream at the top of a mountain. I will let the water touch my toes. I will let you ... I will remind you to be better. I will remind you that you are nothing. I will hold you accountable. I will hold myself accountable. I will read more. I will listen more. I will trust my gut more. I will be confident. I will win. I will lose. I will die. I will live. I will support you. I will not lie. I will lie if the fish dies - again. I will protect her innocence. I will believe in her dreams. I will believe in your dreams. I will believe in my dreams. I will live by the sea. I will make it happen. I will stop procrastinating. I will find my groove. I will --- survive. I will make references to silly disco songs. I will turn off the radio. I will discover new talent. I will grow. I will encourage. I will give her opportunity. I will not waste my own. I will submit to you. I will do so in private. I will speak my heart. I will not apologize for who I am. I will be ok with me. I will be ok with you. I will hear the meaning behind your words. I will call you a liar. I will hope you change. I will hope. I will finish. I will enjoy my sensuality. I will know who I am. I will know who you are. I will smile at a stranger. I will not let you poison the well. I will forget. I will --- will.

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Oct 15, 2010

let's go vintage...

post by dawn garcia | Labels: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

You know that feeling when you open your eyes and you think, "ahh, that's done. I'm finally done" and it turns out, that's true! After my blog last night I feel like I let go of that last gnawing piece of the past. I felt relieved and really, it's finally over. My heart is starting to mend itself. I'm taking all of the steps necessary to keep my focus on the people and things in my life that actually mean something and thankfully, that's a pretty extensive list. 

I even managed to go to the beach for a quick run this morning. The air was so brisk and I could feel the moisture of the sea gently caressing my face. I ran and the tide was really high and the water just saturated my feet and it felt like heaven. It felt like all of the pain I was hanging onto was being removed from me one tide at a time and god it felt good. Sometimes you realize you're stronger than you think. I made it through this last breakup a hell of a lot faster than I had the times before. Why? Because this entire year of the "yo-yo effect" prepared me to fully walk away and I can say that today - I walked away. The good news is, my head and heart will never let me look back. Life is pretty extraordinary that way. Something I learned about myself yesterday is when I am forced to survive, I will, and I'm very resourceful in getting there quickly. I have more inner strength than I give myself credit for and no matter what, every single experience teaches me more about myself, the truly exquisite people and friends in my life, and it teaches AND reminds me that I am pretty damn lucky. 

So that's it. Surely I will reference it once in a while and my blogs aren't going to be cheery and uppity all the time because that's not life. That's not even close to life. But I will keep baring my soul to you and I will continually thank you for being gracious enough to accept me.

So now I begin a new chapter of my life. I call it vintage thinking. Why? Because the "old days" of taking the time to know someone, taking the time to spend with your friends and ones you loved was of value. I'm stripping away this modern notion that I have to be out there dating, being cool, being politically correct, or whatever. Total waste of my time to be honest. I dated and had a LOT of fun before I got married. No regrets. I know what it is I want and so now, I will love the beautiful mess I am and I am going to get back to the only things that really matter. I am going to be the woman with confidence and poise and style and a heart bigger than this universe and if you don't want to be a part of it, by all means, move on. If you do, then LET'S DO THIS!


I am getting ready to strip down to my basics, enjoy this new coppery red hair, put on a shade of red lipstick and remember that I am a woman that is beautiful and strong and smart and to hell with anyone who tries to stifle that!

For a Mr. Jones:

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Oct 14, 2010

videoBlog #4

post by dawn garcia | Labels: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

It takes a lot to write what I do. It takes a lot to trust others with the darkest, most vulnerable parts of oneself. It takes a lot to recover from death and abuse and being misunderstood - regularly. It takes a lot to write about a painful relationship and still somehow find some redemption in it. I am driven. I have focus. But I have feelings. 80% of you seem to respond to that and in some way it makes you feel like maybe you can have more courage to speak your mind. Like you're not alone. The problem is when you speak your mind, someone is always going to take it personally. See themselves in it too closely. There's no way to avoid it nor can I. But it hurts. 

Going through this relationship that just ended - harshly - was more painful than I ever expected it to be. I trusted a situation. I should have trusted myself. Difficult to swallow at times. And this breakup, as harsh as it was the 6th time it happened, played too much on my belief that people are innately good and loving. It's not easy to realize that it isn't true. And yet somehow, in spite of it all, I still have to believe people are. This break up followed a divorce. And while my ex-husband and I are incredibly good friends, the heart was raw. Divorce, even nice ones, still make you feel like you've failed. Add children to the mix and you feel like you've done something awful. I needed to recover from the first failure but I believed. I needed to and these blogs, these comments, it's my soul exposed, blood dripping, completely wounded. When you move on and convince yourself it's going to be better and come to see that the thing you believed, the notion of optimism and hope becomes a total lie, it rips your heart out. And, in the process, I have found that there are only a couple of friends that will really listen and love you when you're feeling totally broken. And so because its in my nature to want to be there for everyone else, I don't let many people be there for me because when I do, well, it just hurts. Hurts when you feel like maybe it's unimportant. Still, when life throws you into a brick wall, your flesh feels like its barely dangling, you find another outlet. I write about it. It's my way to feel like I'm not going to implode. I don't speak every thought in my head like literary diarrhea or write every time something bad happens but if I block it, if I don't speak up, if I don't admit that I feel like a complete fool because I chose to ignore every telltale sign, I'm lying to myself. I'm not being a very good example to my daughter if I start lying to myself.

So I'd like to ask for a little understanding. Empathy. An emotion not many openly embrace. You can judge me if you want because god knows I can say "that was purple" and somehow someone will hear "you look like a squished grape". There is only so much I can do. Only so much I can keep inside. I try to do the right thing regularly. I'd take a bullet for any one of my true friends. I'd sadly probably take a bullet for a stranger if I thought they were a decent enough human being. So when I'm broken, weak, angry, I rant. I write. And I share it with you because a long time ago I made a deal. If it makes it way to paper, it is no longer mine.

So you can read my posts and get angry at me for having opinions and being faulty and for not letting someone off the hook. I will always move forward. Always find my strength again. I'm not in this to gain popularity or win some sort of "like me" contest. I do what I do because I will make this world a better place whether that's by calling someone out or exposing my "crazy" or saying to someone who I feel did wrong, "you were wrong". I'm imperfect. I'm a writer. I have a responsibility to stick with writing the way I do because it's all a very significant growing process. Does that mean I get impulsive and just "react", yes. But honestly, knowing even one person feels like, because I write something that might make me look like an idiot, allows them to find some solace in what I've said, that's enough for me. Change doesn't happen in one fell swoop. Change happens slowly, one thought, one word - nasty or kind or vacant or deep or funny or random - at a time. I can't "make" anyone see who I am. The only way to do that is time and my previous blogs have been more about realizing that I wasn't being seen. I was being type-casted. 

I've been wrong a million times in my life. If I hadn't, I wouldn't be able to see how to make it right. Either way, the bad got me to here. The good got me to here. Regardless of how much I want to become a cold bitch and shut off the emotion valve, I can't. I learn every day a new tool to manage some new part of who I am. I will never stop realizing my faults nor will I ever stop trying to repair them. It isn't who I am. So I'll take the heat. I'll take the criticism. I'll take the verbal beatings AND the reflection. In the end, I went down a road. Sometimes it was smooth and sometimes it was infested with potholes and nails and grit. But eventually, when you walk long enough you know where you're headed, you realize that the only thing you can look forward to is the fact that possibility is on the rise. Not too far away.
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Oct 13, 2010

joie de vivre

post by dawn garcia | Labels: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

"I have found that a spark of joy, a reminder that no matter how much it hurts, you're capable of better, can change your world. Truth is, some things aren't meant to work. Try a new approach to living, to loving, to enjoying --- THAT is evolution. I like evolution. Choice. I choose to be happy. And it IS a choice. Stop thinking things happen "TO" you and realize life is giving you a chance to do better. Embrace that." - Dawn Garcia


Before you get too involved in this post - I am speaking my mind. Which means I am not keeping my heartache a secret. Sort of the way writers do things. They open up. They expose themselves and while some will hear the "he", I hope they actually have the know-how to realize this is about MY healing. Not about the person who played the part. He is a good man. We are simply a bad match. We are VERY different. Regardless of my venting, I am not speaking ill of him. He is a lovely person. The way we are together is bad, but that is the way we are TOGETHER. Not who he is on his own because he is a good friend (well, when we were friends) and a great entrepreneur and don't ever misunderstand my venting as anything else. This is the forum to speak my mind. If I didn't love him, I wouldn't be hurt. I did and I do and regardless of how careless we have both been, I am merely speaking about the hurt of a relationship that was bad. If you know "him" who will now only be referred to as Big Bird, try to remember this is not about him. This is about my journey as a person, a writer, a human being, a woman. I'm trying to figure my s*** out and if you have a hard time with that, I'm sorry. My relationship hurt my soul. Our differences are simply that. Again, have the "know-how" to understand that. I am a writer. Not a ballerina.

This was my Facebook status today. Why? Because I have realized that there were times in my life where I thought things happened "to" me and while certainly things do happen that you have no control over, nothing happens "to" you. It happens around you. There is no point playing the martyr or acting like you're the victim. That's the most ridiculous route to take but like everyone, I have definitely fallen into that. I almost did it this time. I allowed myself to get back into a relationship I had no business being in (primarily because I should have taken time to heal after my divorce, but it seemed like the right person and sometimes things happen) and rather than admitting it wasn't the right time, I gave into emotions and feelings and want and lost a friend of 8 years. A relationship that only ever should have been friendly. We crossed the line and forced something to "work" when the universe was giving us every sign to not go forward. We didn't listen. I didn't listen. I have never experienced anything quite like it in that the highs were high and the lows were SO low. We brought out the best and the worst in one another which led to catastrophe. 

Personality wise, we were different. I've never had such a polarized difference with someone. Some things that were in common were absolutely wonderful, specifically our love of film and experience in that world. Our views on art were pretty similar and interesting. Our views on people, definitely different. My one "fault" (though I don't really see it as a fault) is that I tend to want to see the best in everyone. I look deeper to see their potential. That can be very frustrating when you see how good or capable someone is but know they will never take the steps to realize that. It also makes it hurt a lot deeper when they disappoint you or you find out they aren't the people you thought. That happens often but I choose to still see the beauty in people. I don't care if I'm disappointed because one day, my faith in their potential will give at least one person the courage to be their best. Big Bird was more of a realist. And when people hurt him, he cut them off and moves on rather than do what I do and get caught up in the emotional hurt of it. Right or wrong, that works for him. It's probably smart. Sometimes, this caused conflict. Between us. But everyone has to do what is best for them. I cannot argue with it or claim my way is better because my way works for me. For my personality. For my life. Big Bird's way works for him.

I suppose where we differed most is how we perceived what was respectful and what was not. We also BOTH made a tremendous amount of assumptions. Of which were all pretty much wrong. Hence why this particular relationship would always be doomed to fail. No matter how much we knew better, we listened to emotions. We also let others influence way too much in our situation. When you let everyone else get involved and state their opinions, you set yourself up for failure. Unless, of course, you have the uncanny ability to speak up for the other person and know that everyone else's opinion is simply that. I stopped listening after a while to others because until you're in the situation, you can't really judge the whole thing. His perspective was different. Not bad, just the way he chose. Either way, looking back it wasn't wrong, just the universe saying, "hey, time to let go" and so now, after the series of strange emotions and really having some reflection, I let go. 

I want him to be happy. I want to be happy. But happiness is a choice, not some magical fairyland waiting for us to discover. I once made a choice during one of our "breakups" to just be happy and it was really extraordinary. Making that choice. So I'm back at it, though this time I've promised myself I won't forget about making that choice every day. This entire year and a half I had no business dating at all. (Even though I found glimpses of beauty in the midst) I had a lot of healing to do and I should have done it. BUT you stop listening to that voice inside. You start wanting everything you've been without. You start pretending someone else is capable of feeding that part of you. You convince yourself that they are "the one" when in truth, when you're that broken, that in need of healing, no one can be the one. It's a process of healing that needs to happen. I guess that's why this time it is easier to walk away. I've cried and I'm sure I will continue to cry. Mostly because my friend is gone. Mostly because I gave parts of my soul I had never given before. Mostly because while we were both often very good to one another, we were both absolutely horrible to each other as well. Both of us allowed so much to happen. Too much. We weren't emotionally mature enough to know space was the answer all along. Time. Time that would prove the theory we were not a match. We were always friends. Always better at that. 

But hindsight's a bitch, isn't it? And so, that's the gist of it. A tale of love and friendship that ended abruptly and painfully and honestly, as it was bound to. The ending part anyway. I have been SO fortunate to know a lot of couples, married and otherwise, that are happy. They aren't perfect but they commit to making it work even when it's really difficult. Why? Because that's what being in a relationship is supposed to be. BUT we are HUMAN. We vary in emotion. Right or wrong, we've all said stuff we shouldn't have. BUT these couples, these wonderful and beautiful friends and family of mine, show me the example of how much love can conquer everything. No one should ever push you to such a place you feel completely attacked. THAT is not the right relationship and that's where we were. A place I will never go back to. He and I pushed each other's buttons in the worse possible way. We knew it was happening but we failed to stop it. It's the simple dynamics between two people. Love is and will always be beautiful but if you don't push through the hardest times and really learn to trust and respect one another, it will never - EVER - work. 

So now I want to say that the people I know who are like me: creative, feisty, hard-headed, stubborn, defensive --- well, there is someone out there that will love us for that. Be willing to evolve though. Be willing to face your faults. Be willing to see the simple joy in everything. In spite of yourself. I know people who are like that. I know artist's who, because of the natural tendency to do so, forget that beauty is all we are, the sole reason we create, and we remind one another to hang on to that at any cost. I know friends that are loved BECAUSE of that. I have seen the "fighting", but not the horrid and mean, berating fighting. Fighting for love. Fighting even if the person was with someone else. Love never gives up. It just doesn't. And in the end, love prevails. So the point in all of this is make a choice to be happy. Don't wait on someone else to give that to you. Don't count on their sunshine to transfer to you. If you make the choice to be happy, you WILL be happy and then all of that goodness will attract more goodness. I have seen it, I know it to be true, and I know it's real. He and I are not bad people, just the wrong people for one another. Together we were like fire and ice. Hot and cold and the two temperatures never made it to "warm". 

Ok, that's all I suppose. This is about reflection. I like knowing life is not done with me. Not even close. I like knowing love isn't done with me either. Love is not some far off idea. It is real but searching for it or making it happen isn't the way it takes hold of you. It has to find you. It has to be the right time, the right person, the natural progression of things. Forcing it only means you forced it. Therefore, by definition, is not love. I choose to embrace the love I have with my daughter, my friends, my family. I have always been incredibly lucky to be surrounded by love and goodness and part of that is because, unless I'm in the hell I allowed myself to go to, I project the same love and goodness too. It's what you put out there people. You put out good, you get good. Period. and as my wonderful friend David reminded me, Joie de Vivre! Joie de Vivre!!!

For the sheer joy of living... 
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Oct 2, 2010

trust me, we think the same thing.

post by dawn garcia | Labels: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Sometimes people look at mom's who have that "holy hell, get me a drink and get me one fast" look and think those moms are crazy. Mind you they didn't just have the swinging roller coaster of emotion that you just did as you're 3 year-old "tween-in-training" gives you kisses and hugs you and tells you how much she loves you only to turn into the closest thing related to the exorcist because you said "no" and she kicks and screams and tells you you're a horrible mom, mean, and wishes you would just disappear forever. Forever! How. dare. you. The truth is, we wonder what's going on too, but then after the enormous and strangely hysterical tantrum our child just threw, we want to hug and squeeze them (and yes, sometimes imagine we were Samantha from "Bewitched" so we could just freeze time, drink a bottle of wine, do a yoga routine to center our "inner self", and get in a two-hour nap).
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Sep 21, 2010

never give up, never surrender...

post by dawn garcia | Labels: , , , , , , , , , ,

We fight a long time to claim our identities. Sometimes serious evolution happens within us because something like divorce happens where you finally have the courage to say, "I want more" out loud. Only your statement is heard in volumes far louder than expected and why? Because you finally say screw it! You follow your dreams. You realize you are capable of anything. Nothing left to lose and when you look at your daughter and see that joy in her eyes because you're her mom --- the fight to succeed is well worth it. I won't be the mother that neglects my child while I pound the pavement because in truth, she's the reason I will succeed. She's the reason I wake up with a smile every single day. She's the reason I close my eyes at night and dream. SHE is why finally doing what I have always wanted is possible. No point in sitting on the sidelines watching everyone takes life by the balls. No, not me. I'm going to be the one holding the reigns. Yep. Me. Hold on because here I come...
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