Showing posts with label friendship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friendship. Show all posts
Nov 26, 2010

love and other drugs.

post by dawn garcia | Labels: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

(This picture to the left is love. Raw, broken, funny, sweet, honest - but above all, perfectly flawed.)

The past is something that can haunt us if we let it. OR the past can be a lesson in incredible memories, great experiences, terrible choices, reminders of what we are and are not. My past has been something that has hung on to me with a very tight grip. It has enveloped me and has attached itself like a cancer and so I stopped - I mean this is why I'm going to therapy in the first place. And it's time to listen. Today I'm going to let it go. Delete emails, forget phone numbers, walk away. And any tie that is left will, in time, be let go. I have to focus only on the good and stop dwelling on things that I cannot change. There is a saying that recovering addicts say, I'm thinking it might work for those who allow the past to be a very dirty drug. Love can be a drug. It can be euphoric. It can be scary. It can stop your heart. It can be addicting. OR it can be healing. It can make you whole again. Here is the saying addicts recite:  

grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

And so, on to my blog:

Today was definitely a great day. An odd day. A day I realized my family can be really loud, but a great day nonetheless. My tear well finally dried up! The crying has stopped. Last night I was having another hard day. I was feeling sad and missing someone that I love but hasn't taken the time to really see me and maybe I kept seeing past him but I offered one final thread of hope and I realized the last step is to move forward. And so, I will. I realized that there is nothing left to hold on to. Nothing left to love. It was a relationship I learned a great deal from. One I made a gazillion mistakes in but also one that gave me glimpses of what I want and what I can offer. I have big things ahead of me. My baby has a lot to see and do and experience and I don't want to waste another minute being heartbroken and hurt over something there is no way I can change. So, I move on. anyway back to last night. I felt horrible last night. I went to see "Love & Other Drugs", which is one hell of a movie! Great story, incredible sex scenes and a message: when it is love, you never stop fighting. I fought so hard for an entire year. I went through hell but I fought. This time, I have tried everything. I offered the one last thing that could have maybe made sense of it all and in truth, I have no idea if that even resonated but I realized what I need is my friends. The real ones. The ones that seem to be there in the worst of moments, see me when I am not my best, deal with my attitude or an overreaction and they love me anyway. 

So last night, I hung out with one of my best friends. A friend I haven't known for very long - 7 months actually - but somehow this friend has been more patient and loving than anyone I've ever known and we're just ourselves. No pretense, no drama, no b.s. There are no false promises and when I'm pissed and annoyed or crying like a lunatic, that friend teaches me that it really doesn't matter how crappy you feel or act, a friend that loves and cares about you sticks around. That movie taught me almost the same thing. Granted I walked out of that theater so hurt and sad, I couldn't get to my car fast enough (where I sat in the front seat and cried so hard I couldn't breathe), but I heard the lesson. The guy, even if the girl is messy and imperfect, and pushes him away, doesn't walk away. He listens to his heart and he'd rather be with the girl that's a mess, and one day will be unrecognizable, and enjoy whatever time they have than be without her for one more second. That's my kind of man. So, I'm taking care of myself. I'm recognizing ALL of my faults, I'm learning about pieces of my past I honestly knew nothing about (which is scarier than I ever imagined) but I'm healing. I'm remembering memories like something as simple as him "pricing" a ring only to realize I was living in a world of "promises". Promises that never saw the light of day. So time to let go. Time to move forward. I've got one hell of a life ahead of me and there are things to conquer. I will heal. Slowly, painfully, patiently - but I'm healing. I'm patient and calm and am starting to understand how I operate; what my natural response is and why. In the course of the doing this it makes it all SO much easier! I get it!

So, my point is, today is a new day. I am so grateful to the past, to my once "heartbeat" because I learned a lot. And without this heartache and odd rebound or devastation, I wouldn't know how much was ahead of me. I wouldn't have taken the steps to heal. So, S, I am grateful to you. I am grateful for all you have taught me. I am grateful for the time we shared, good and bad, but now I've gotta break free. My heart will eventually follow suit. I can't hang on to the past nor do I want to. I've got to focus on what's coming. I made a huge breakthrough with my screenplay this week and that will take on the life it needs to in order to be done. The "line" I will be launching next year is FINALLY in progress and I even have a manufacturing company in Mexico. Anthropologie will carry it, as will Saks, Bloomingdales, and the HSN. I have no doubt I'll be successful. Business, Motherhood, Love, Family, Friends. I have this perfectly lovely and unique and smart, strong-willed, baby that deserves me at my best. Not crying. Not hurt. Time to just get over it. I know myself well enough to know, when I get to this point, I'm golden. When I realize when to walk away, I do it.

Feet in position, toes pointed ahead, aaaaaaaaand one foot in front of the other, I'm walking away. See me? There I go.
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Nov 23, 2010

love. apology. being grateful. and other things.

post by dawn garcia | Labels: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Today I had a therapy session and I just dug right into the pain. It's remarkable how deep that pain is, how far back it goes. And yet the one thing that resonates is only relative by looking at relationships.I've made some mistakes, I've overreacted, said things I wish I could take back, but what I wish is that the context was taken into account. It always takes two people. It is never entirely one person's fault. I have the tendancy to look at my "mistakes" and take on all of the burden. Fortunately, that's just not the way things are. Everything is a result of two (obviously there are exceptions). What I've learned is when I sit there in therapy, I talk about everyone else. How I feel badly about others, how I reacted or who has gotten hurt and finally, today, the therapist said, "Stop. Are you hearing yourself? You are only able to talk about others. How you could have made it better, how you could have done things differently. But not once have you talked about yourself. How all of this affects you." I bursted out in tears. Why? Because it was true. I spend so much time worrying about how my actions might have affected or hurt another, I never stopped to realize no one was taking that kind of time on me. Almost no one. One person gets the free pass here and that person knows. (Thanks, Jonesy).

In my 36 years, rarely has anyone actually tried protecting me. Tried protecting my feelings. And so as a natural consequence, I stopped protecting my feelings too. I experience a huge fear of loss because too many people I've loved have died or gone away. I blame myself, which is ridiculous because someone dying or leaving isn't in my control. Granted, I've left people too, and I'm not proud of that. I'm not proud of the hurt that I may have caused and god, if I could do it over with the knowledge I'm finally attaining, things would be very different. But they aren't. I just have to find a way to love myself again. This last relationship I was in - the one I'm having trouble letting go of - I remember the last big fight. After which, the internal self talk or "negative cognition" sounded something like this: I'm not worth it. I'm not enough. I'm unloved. I'm not beautiful. To which, my therapist replied: Now, say the exact opposite because you are worth it. You are enough. You are loved. You are beautiful. Which, of course, resulted in more tears. And then we went straight into EMDR. 

Yikes! Memories that flash before you, like, Wheel of Fortune (this is the example the therapist gives before starting light therapy). You watch a light, focus on a moment, a painful memory. Stop. Breathe in deeply, exhale deeply then you say the first thought that pops into your visual memory. It's amazing what comes out. Amazing. In the end, I felt better and then sad and then manageable and then happy and then angry and then hurt and then remorseful and then, then - a small amount of peace. 

So while my heart has a long way to go before it starts to feel whole again, I am grateful for the life that led me to here. This place in life where the storm is harsh, the road seems beaten, but then I look at the face of my child and she is proof I have done something extraordinary and good and beautiful. I am grateful to be a mother. I am grateful that I have given children love and acceptance and have given joy to some children that never had any. I actually remembered this one little boy I used to work with in Sunday School (yes, Sunday School, when I was more "religious"). I worked with children ages 6-10 and for some reason I knew I could be the teacher and maternal figure many of them were lacking. I thought about Robert. Robert was 7 at the time. Robert had a lot of emotional and psychological issues that kept him from fully enjoying life. After an "episode" his father had to make the painful decision to admit him into a child psychiatric hospital. I could see the pain in his dad's eyes but I saw a moment of joy come back when I would come and visit Robert at the hospital. I would make pictures with him and read stories and just talk. Sometimes I think that's what I was meant to do. Reminded me also of Riley. Riley was a little boy who would not respond to tutors because he had Autism, ticks, ADHD and ADD. I asked to give it a shot. I found that all Riley needed was some love and a little "silly". I bought him a copy of "Where the Sidewalk Ends" and sat there and read the poetry with him one tutoring session. His mom, Jan, was elated. It was the first time in her son's 8 years that he actually showed a focused interest in reading. Riley was a genius. As was Robert. Robert put his first computer together at the age of 3. Sometimes when one faculty is taken away, another one is given in its stead.

I am grateful for the gifts I've been given. I am grateful to be a mother. I am grateful I believed in you when you lost your house. I'm grateful I believed in you when you told me of your loss. I am grateful you took care of me when I couldn't. I am grateful I didn't give up. I am grateful I won't lose hope. I am grateful for the party I threw at the Tiki Room (PDC). I am grateful I needed Skin Medica (Bestie). I am grateful for Calvary (Tanta). I a grateful for FB (Jess). I am grateful you looked through your window. I am grateful to have forgotten one last box. I am grateful you told me of your struggles. I am grateful for being strong. I am hoping to be a better friend. I am hoping to believe in love. I am hoping to be the best example of loving, because my baby deserves that. It takes a lot to admit you've been wrong, but it takes even more to recognize the beauty within yourself. I'm not pointless. Neither are you. Neither are any of us. But if we don't stop beating ourselves up and start healing what we can heal, it doesn't matter. I'm not without hope. I believe I'm worth a second chance. I believe I'm NOT worth losing faith in. That's not easy to say. To those of you who continue to see past the mistakes and love me anyway, I am SO grateful for you. You are extraordinary and in case I don't say it enough, you are my gifts. Harold, Yvette, Linnea, Trista, Shana, Lakeia, Jesse, Anthony, Karsten, Mr. Jones, Mayumi, Tama, Maxime, David, Liz, LoLo --- thank you for the continual love, encouragement, and reminder that I've done a lot of "right" in my life. You are shining examples of that.

Happy Thanksgiving...
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Nov 12, 2010

VideoBlog #7 - Kill them with Kindness

post by dawn garcia | Labels: , , , , , , , , , , ,

A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.~Herm Albright


I did another video blog and while the tone is fairly upbeat and optimistic, I just want to say - rather admit - that my eternal optimism is my core, but NOT because my life has been sunshine and roses. One day I will write about the things I have experienced. But I'm not there just yet. We are all exposed to something. 2 out of 3 women are sexually assaulted, some never have a chance to even speak; violence breaks out in countries that steals the innocence away from those who never saw it coming; people hurt with words; some with physical fury. But life doesn't have to be that way. It doesn't have to be so riddled with anguish. Don't assume you know what any one person has gone through. Practice empathy but don't use your "situation" to excuse you from being a poor excuse of a human being. Be reminded - realize how much suffering there is in this world. BUT also own the fact that you don't need to contribute to it. Do everything you can to make it beautiful again. 


Blog
How many times has someone been ignored or misunderstood or put down by others who didn't take the time to know them? It happens all of the time. People judging people, listening to the toxicity spewed by someone else, or making assumptions without getting the facts. I look at my child and I think, "I hope she is never made to feel bad about who she is". I hope the world she lives in is without judgment but I know that's not possible. I've certainly judged people at one point or another, and made assumptions, but I'm not proud of that nor do I make it a habit. Some people do. 

I am a writer, which, yes, I realize is pretty clear. But as a writer I have a tremendous responsibility. I also often sit back and observe as part of my "job". I have conversations and make assessments and watch body language. The fears, the insecurities, the ones who think they hold some secret power. The ones that do have power. I have watched as the world around me gets lost in self-obsession rather than striving for empathetic unity.

My life is often brimming with sunshine because when I'm having a hard day or feel a little defeated, somehow that's the exact time my 3 year-old looks at me and says, "You're the bestest mommy ever. I love you all the way to moon and the sun and around the earth and back" and I realize no one can even come close. Nothing can make my life have more meaning. Well, maybe Mr. Big can add to that. But the point is, I can't let those outside influences change the core of who I am. I'm a good and giving person. I don't put up with your crap if you give it and will not allow you to treat me disrespectfully or pretend to be my friend only to take advantage of me. I also want to mention it doesn't make you the bigger person when you berate someone and then immediately follow it up with a compliment. It doesn't work that way. In fact, when you do that it makes you an even less genuine person --- being genuine, being strong, means you have balance. I had lunch with a very strong, smart woman today and we discussed the misuse of ones strength and how often (and how crazy) a lot of people can be when they think they're strong because they can be mean. It's absurd and in the end, those are the people that, in the quiet moments, are utterly alone. I am not alone. I am loved. I have extraordinary people in my life. People I have met that are artists from around the world that have given me such joy, such courage, such encouragement; People I have crossed paths with only to see that beauty is about the soul, not the facade. Friends that I have known most of my life, some I have only known for a short while. All have taught me more than words can express. I have seen love - unconditional love - and that is empowering.

I am grateful for the exceptional people in my life; For the tremendous opportunities I have been given; For the artists that inspire me; For the life that I get to nurture and embrace every day; For the true value of integrity. So if I don't say it enough, thank you.
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