Showing posts with label loss. Show all posts
Showing posts with label loss. Show all posts
Oct 29, 2010

120 pgs - done.

post by dawn garcia | Labels: , , , , , , , , , , ,

“Take up one idea. Make that one idea your life - think of it, dream of it, live on that idea. Let the brain, muscles, nerves, every part of your body, be full of that idea, and just leave every other idea alone. This is the way to success, that is the way great spiritual giants are produced.” - Swami Vivekananda


120 pages are completed and 80 more to go. I then have to trash 50 and edit 150. 

A labor of love. This adaptation has kept me on my toes, taught me about myself, reminded me of the world, and haunted me in a way that has forced me to realize what does and does not matter in this life. 

While writing I have experienced some major "life events" and am learning a tremendous amount. Part of which was learning that the previous relationship I was in, I was in because I loved deeply and wholly. I managed to hang on to the small pockets of goodness or, as I have been educated, the "island love". The kind of love that, in isolation and away from the world, was beautiful but when it became real, rather than helpless, became too much to endure. I was beginning to feel regret about going back a final time but now understand that I went back because I saw glimpses of beauty, tenderness, wonderful love. Unfortunately, those glimpses were simply that and it would not ever be sustainable. While I had hoped for something different, a partnership of the ages, it just wasn't going to happen. My love affair paralleled that of Dorian and Sibyl (two characters in the adaptation). Beautiful and seemingly pure but tainted by illusion and a lack of information. I loved. It ended emotional and recklessly. But it ended. As will this screenplay - only the screenplay will bring life into an entirely new breed of love and vanity and longing and misconception. It's a tale that will remind all of us to be careful what we wish for...

I will not be posting at all this coming week while I finish this screenplay so for those of you that watch closely, thank you for following me, thank you for hearing the meaning behind the words, and for being incredibly supportive.

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Oct 9, 2010

VideoBlog# 3

post by dawn garcia | Labels: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

(I initially got this quote wrong in the live version - chalk it up to exhaustion...)

It takes a lot of strength to love but there is a quote I believe is the only way it can work: "If you can't love me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best." - Marilyn Monroe.


When it's real, you never run away. You never walk away. You never turn your back. You stay and that is often the hardest thing to do. You see, when you have a good heart and when you're real, when you're actually legit, you don't listen to the ones who don't know. So anyway, here's VideoBlog #3 Parts 1 and 2 (and for comments, please email me at info@dawngarcia.com):

Part1:

Part 2:



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Oct 5, 2010

A beautiful mess...

post by dawn garcia | Labels: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Sometimes we forget who we are. We get caught up in events happening "to" us or "with" us or "around" us and we lose the epitome of "me". Of "you". We let go of that instinctive need to be okay with who we are and stop apologizing. For me, I feel like I'm constantly having to apologize for being "emotional" or too open about what's happening. People are offended or annoyed because somehow they see themselves in a blog I write, whether or not it's about them. People see what they want to see. But you know, I'm just me. I'm incredibly flawed and often a mess. (Though I have one friend who hates it when I use the term "mess". The reply from this friend is "you're not a mess, you're just perfection in progress") But what if I am? What if I am a mess. Messy because from my conception, life finds it necessary to test my strengths, push my buttons and see if I'll still love it back. If I'll give up. If I'll stop caring or being nurturing or being god forbid --- emotional. To that I say f*** you. I will often feel like quitting. I get mad and frustrated and have stupid moments of weakness where I think, "god, why are you always here? Why are you so friggin screwed up". I do. I then go to a place where I question everything about myself with the exception of being a good mom because that - THAT I'm great at! 

I think, hey, I'm a writer. Maybe I'm actually good at that but regardless, I'm writing so even when someone thinks it is too "honest" or "crass" or "exposing" I don't care. I cannot care. If I spent all of my time being so cautious then I would probably stop getting emails about how grateful someone is that I am willing to show even the ugliest parts of myself and not apologize for it. I can't hide behind perfection or spout claims of "let's all just love each other" because sometimes, sometimes you get hurt. Sometimes you're not okay with things. Sometimes you do wonder what the hell is wrong with me. And you know, A LOT is wrong with me. I'm an imperfect girl. But at least I can admit that and still spend every second of my life working towards being better. Working towards not letting life's pissy little tantrums take away the essence of who I am. Sure, sometimes I really hate that I forgive so much. I hate that I overreact. I hate that I look in the mirror and allow certain situations to taint what I see. But in that dark place, in the worst places of me is love. Not shallow, apathetic love but compassionate and true and beautiful and empathic and hopeful. I do see the best in people, so what. If I don't, there aren't enough of us out there who will. Someone's gotta be able to see past your brick or steel wall and see that inside is beauty. Inside you are capable of so much more. There aren't enough of us out there asking you to be better, asking you to risk it so you CAN have love or be loved or be the ones brave enough to tell you, fuck off and go away because you're too painful, because you're poison. Because even when we say that - when I say that - I mean, do better because in some way, I'll still be here hoping you're going to be better.

I may seem sad or say things like my heart is breaking or I feel like I'm suffering. It's true. But wake up people, that's called being human and I am SO grateful I feel at all. I can't imagine allowing any one situation or person to leave such nasty wounds on my heart that I'm not able to tape it back together. Sure, it's not going to be as pretty as it used to be and once in a while a little blood seeps through but eventually, the tape will work. The pieces will stick and even when they start to peel and weather, I'll put stronger, better tape on. I can't lose my heart. I can't give up hoping. I can't stop writing. I can't pretend. I just can't. If you don't like it, don't read it. If you think it's about you, maybe it is, maybe it isn't. Unless you see YOUR name, don't make assumptions.

So am I a mess? I am a mess but maybe, maybe I can be a beautiful mess. Maybe a mess isn't such a terrible thing. It's honest, right? It is fragile and bitter and strong and empowering. But a mess can still be beautiful so here I am - exposed. Messy. Imperfect. And?


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Sep 22, 2010

embrace the unexpected

post by dawn garcia | Labels: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

success without a person to share it with is like a face without a smile

 

“The most essential factor is persistence - the determination never to allow your energy or enthusiasm to be dampened by the discouragement that must inevitably come.”

 

the ultimate life lived is one where you can gray and weather and look back at the love you've given, the love you've shared, the people who have given you purpose. standing idle as time passes is not an option. opening your eyes and embracing everything is when that cadence of your heart begins to move again and somehow, in the melodic throws of possibility, we begin to live.  we can linger in moments of regret and dwell in the pools of disappointment or we can swim towards the glowing ocean of dreams and the continued realm of encouragement and belief in ourselves. to grow old knowing we have given love purely, we have fostered and nurtured the beauty and innocence of our children, we have lived each day moving towards a dream - that is when we can breathe. 


when I am old and my life is near its end (if I am able to live long enough to grow old) I want to look at my daughter and see the love we have shared. I want to know that I spent every moment of my life exploring the potential of goodness and beauty and that somehow I armed her with enough knowledge and faith in the impossible that she will be truly happy. that when I see her eyes I see hope and strength and know that her life is going to be rich with incredible joy and laughter, success and integrity, but above all - love. because at the end of the day what good are we if we do not love. love our children, love our friends, love our families, love another soul that might meet yours. 


life is far too unknown, in my opinion, to spend countless hours and days and years searching for what might happen when it's over. I'd much rather relish in what is and embrace every single opportunity, smile every chance I get, ignite passion, see cultures through untainted eyes, speak freely, accept others in this world who have truly beautiful hearts regardless of who they love or what they believe.


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Jul 6, 2010

Collecting Jars of Hearts...

post by dawn garcia | Labels: , , , , , , ,

I listened to this song "Jar of Hearts" and then "Love the Way you Lie" and I can feel that my heart is in such a strange place these days. On the fence of my future and the hurt from a recent past. I know we all make mistakes - we all get hurt but you can't be careless with someone's heart. Once that happens, we lose a part of ourselves. You hurt someone and you break off a piece of yourself. People have been careless with my heart and I hurt. I may have been careless with others' hearts and for that, god my insides ache. I am so sorry. My heart is healing from the painstaking truths of the past. I cry and I am defensive and I worry about so many things. Not always romantic hurt, sometimes just that kind of hurt that is so deep - family, "friends", careers ... Every relationship we have should be treated with delicacy and care. We can't just walk around disposing of one another like the well is so full of options. You can beat someone down with words or neglect. You don't have to physically ever pick up your hand --- sometimes the damage you leave behind by not loving someone the way they should be loved is worse. The scars cut so deep that the heart physically bleeds from the weathered storm and the shards of misunderstanding. I can't fathom not being hurt or having loss because it opens up my heart almost as much as it forces me to protect myself. I am who I am. I am good and I am strong and I never deserved the harsh hand of haste. And now, sunshine and beauty is in front of me and I cower. I find so much fear paralyzing me and all I have to say is the heart has to heal. No one can break me again. No one can lie to me again. No one can take away that beautiful trust and hope I have running through my veins like oxygen. I want to figure it all out but my heart - the actual heart - it swells with possibility and weighing it down with regret and sadness only forces it to lose its purpose.



I know we're all a little lost these days. It seems perfection is within reach, always something better or more beautiful but your eyes have to be open. You can't expect perfection if you aren't perfect yourself. You have to evaluate your mistakes to find life again. We all do. Last night I got to this point - this pivotal moment where emotion came over me. Anger. Hurt. Fear. I was horrified at the things I'd experienced, the death I've seen, the sickness I've seen engulf those I love. I've seen murder and pain and injustice. I have been held and loved and then thrown into a hypothetical fire of disdain and neglect BUT --- I have been given all of that because somehow life, the Universe, god, whatever - thought I had to. Because I am strong and it won't break me. It won't take away my value and it will propel me forward. Thrust me into goodness and success and life and love because that's the only place I know to seek refuge. I have seen ugly. I have seen abuse. I have seen neglect. I have seen heartache. I do not respond in kind. I respond with strength and hope. Do not be careless with each other, people. Do not see "Strange" when its beauty standing before you. Do not close your arms when all that's needed is the simple warmth of your embrace. Do not ignore art - it is saying something. Do not ignore the simple gesture of your children because one day that will be all you think of to get you through a rough day. We have everything at our disposal. People shouldn't be one of those. 

I have seen it happen. I have been on the receiving end. I have been totally looked past and that is hollowing. It takes parts of you away - lost in the galaxy somewhere waiting to be claimed. I see my guy friends dating. Going through women like it's a new pair of shoes. I see my girlfriends going out with guys. Playing stupid games and giving every bit of themselves away. We're all afraid. We're all afraid to be alone but isn't it worse to be ignored? To be misused and mistreated or worse, be the one mistreating or neglecting or being cruel. Don't think for a second karma isn't going to find you. Somehow, someway the hurt and pain and carelessness you inflict - it's going to cost you something extraordinary. Don't let it. Don't be that person. Please stop collecting jars of hearts...

(Scroll all the way down for a video of "Love the Way you Lie" performed by two incredibly talented kids...)


No I can't take one more step towards you
Cause all that's waiting is regret
And don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore
You lost the love I loved the most

I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are
Running around leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are

I hear you're asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms

I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are
Running around leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are

And it took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I would have missed the first time that we kissed
Cause you broke all your promises
And now you're back
You don't get to get me back

And who do you think you are
Running around leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

And who do you think you are
Running around leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

Who do you think you are
Who do you think you are
Who do you think you are

 


Please go find the lyrics to this song. Here is a link for now:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z72c3F2td5E
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