Value yourself.
And now for a joke. I only have one.
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Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Nov 21, 2010
broken and rebuildling.
post by
dawn garcia
|
Labels:
broken,
counseling,
divorce,
healing,
honesty,
hurt,
love,
marriage,
pain,
rebuilding,
relationships,
restoration,
therapy,
truth
I write about love and hope and dreams and I write those things with conviction. I also write about all of my faults and my regrets which are in plenty. I have spent the last 10 years of my life slowly losing parts of myself and am only now learning to reclaim them. I was married and while it was to a wonderful man, neither one of us were truly being ourselves and so in the end, we got divorced. The hardest part is that we have a beautiful little girl and so the damage was not forgone. And then I fell madly in love. I began a relationship with someone I had known for 8 years (7 at the time). In the beginning it was so beautiful but eventually, as happens when you go through a divorce and try to love, the pieces begin falling apart.
I lost everything about who I was. Over this last year I have literally been in an emotional war. The failure of marriage is why they say --- every expert, everyone who has gone through it --- that you should wait a year before dating. I didn't. Instead I got involved with someone and we had exceptionally beautiful moments but when we fought, we fought horribly. We both got together at quite possibly the worst time in our lives. It didn't bring us closer together, it just ripped up apart. I knew better but my heart wouldn't listen. And so now, now all that is left are remnants of war. Every single wound exposed or patched together with shotty materials and there is nothing left but a shell of a person. My heart. My heart wants to love so much but can't anymore. Not really. The hurt I have goes way deeper than just a breakup. Everything I believed in about love, about myself, was shattered.
So now I'm taking the steps to heal. I started going to therapy and while some will cringe at the thought, it's been the hardest thing I have ever done. I found therapists that actually found a way to open up my soul and let every hurtful and painful thing seep to the surface. It's haunting, honestly. But I'm completely fragile. I feel lost and everything we discuss tears into me a little deeper each time. And so the past month has been a cry-fest. I realize this might seem odd or uncomfortable for some of you but I have. At night, I think about my previous relationship, I think about why I loved him so much and why we were so unwilling to fix ourselves first. So here I am. I have someone that loves me and I can't even allow anything to happen because no matter what I do, no matter what I tell myself, my heart is still with S. It doesn't make for a very uplifting tale, I agree, but the honest to god truth is I've never experienced more pain than this. I also can't make my heart do what it doesn't want.
And so I'm stepping back from everything. I'm not ready. I can't handle even a tiny disappointment because it only cuts into me like someone took a medieval dagger and began sawing through my chest. My last relationship was so unhealthy but it's not because it wasn't worth saving or wasn't real, it was because the two people in it were extremely unhealthy on their own and so there was no chance it could work until they both got healthy. Now there is no hope. Now it's just a painful chapter in my book. A love I will always hurt from. At least until my therapy works. I'm doing this therapy that allows my mind to start forgetting painful memories. I have memories from as early as 6 months old that I need to be erased. I say erased because the type of therapy I'm doing will allow painful memories to fade away indefinitely. I have learned that the road I've been on has been fraught with violence and death and cruelty and negligence and self doubt and as a result, it's not possible to be the woman I should be until I can take those painful memories away. And so I'm going to be "healthy". Now let's not get carried away and misunderstand what "healthy" actually means. It's about accepting and confronting the painful events of one's life and not letting them take you over. It's not about sanity. It's about healing.
I have made so many mistakes. This last year I became someone I didn't recognize. I was like a soldier coming back from war. My war was a lifetime of a culmination of things and it only just flashed back to me last August. And my emotional pain, my fears, my faults, all just rose to the surface. Maybe some of you know what I mean. But I can't erase my own actions. Can't erase the things I did wrong. That part is really painful. But I can say I wish I would have done things differently. I can say I'm sorry. And mean it. As in "I'm sorry, I will never do that again". No one gets here on their own. The pain isn't self-inflicted, it's a reaction to pain done to me (though I hate saying that because I don't like the idea of playing a "victim". I'm not a victim, just a product of things others found necessary to do to cause pain and harm) and so my mechanism is I put on my armor and I defend myself. As my therapist said, I am very resilient. I'm great in survival mode --- but no can survive in survival mode all of the time.
And so I sit here in the rain and have yet another good cry and I miss who I miss and know what my heart wants and doesn't want. I can't fathom disappointment or any more hurt. So the only recourse is to do precisely what I'm doing. Go "talk it out" and get back to simple. Just do the basics: Raise and love and enjoy this perfectly wonderful little girl of mine and know we'll be okay if it is just the two of us forever (well until she's all grown up and has love, which I hope and pray for every day. I never want her to be alone or unloved or not loving. It's the only reason we're here on this earth). I will focus on work and my art because it's the one safe place I've got and I can be totally free. Know what is true and what is not. I have made tremendous mistakes but I am all too hard on myself. (Another lesson I've learned in therapy) And when you're hard on yourself, somehow, people pick up on that and they are all too happy to watch it happen. Sometimes they'll even contribute to it because it's a lot easier to blame someone else than to realize you too did a lot of bad things. This week I hope to forget more. I hope that the light therapy will begin to heal the wounded girl and bring back the strength and belief in myself I let seep through the cracks.
I may never repair the damage that has been done but at least I know I exhausted all possible resources and tried. I may not be able to accept love or give love for a long while and as much as that scares me, I have to accept it. Why? Because I'm not one to lie to myself. If I'm not honest with myself, who will be? I can't expect any of you to understand nor am I asking that of you. But as you know, I'm not a writer that hides behind fluffy words or cutesy expression. I'm real. That means I'm exposed and you may think I suck or I'm a whiner or I've got issues or maybe you see that I'm strong and I'm smart and I'm remarkably optimistic. I can't get to the better - second chance - part of my life until I repair the mounting damage so I will. I'm starting back at the bottom. My foundation is shaky at best, I have no idea what materials to use to rebuild but I'm sure they'll present themselves in time. So that's that.
Another blog: Writeslave. A Blog.
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Nov 17, 2010
The Human Heart - and Love
post by
dawn garcia
|
Labels:
Acceptance and beauty,
beautiful,
believe,
communication,
girls,
guys,
human heart,
lovers,
relationships,
social,
talk
“Truly loving another means letting go of all expectations. It means full acceptance, even celebration of another's personhood.”
It isn't easy to put aside judgment to attempt to see inside of someone. It takes a lot of pushing away of one's ego. Love - well, loving someone for who they are, that's even more difficult. Loving someone and giving your heart often means that when it doesn't work out the way you'd hoped, it just feels like a piece of our heart has gone missing. Sometimes it has. Sometimes it never comes back. But the astonishing thing about the heart is it's surrounded by muscles, organs, vessels, blood. Each piece works together to rebuild. The tissue begins to form, the vessels begin to open, the organs begin to function again, the muscles protect. Those missing pieces we lose when we lose love just return in stronger form. I know it sucks, I know how much it hurts when it feels like your heart has been pulled out through your flesh - when it feels like someone's dirty shoes are standing atop it stomping the life out of it. The good news: It's just a feeling. Feelings are spontaneous, often reactionary. I just know that sometimes our hearts surprise us.
The heart is the most beautiful organ in our bodies. It is full of hope and possibility, but above all, it has the ability to love. Love, by the way, is an unproven emotion. Scientifically it makes no sense. Sadness, happiness, anger - all emotions triggered by an action. But love, love is a spontaneous emotion that just occurs randomly without warning. It takes hold of us completely, sometimes makes us crazy, sometimes gives us peace. I have loved. I have felt so alive. I have experienced passion. I have experienced pain. But the only love I know that will never fade or falter is the love I have for my child. My biggest gift - ever. I look at her and I see my own life, know the heartbreak I've experienced or even caused and I hope she never has to go through that. That she is always strong and open-minded. That she loves and is always loved and encouraged.
Here's my fault: I have this volcano of emotion. I love so vastly and trust BUT somewhere along the lines, I began to lose hope in the romantic kind of love. Too much hurt, too many failures. Nothing is one-sided but I can only look at myself. So here's my advice to anyone almost about to walk away or maybe walked away:
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Nov 12, 2010
VideoBlog #7 - Kill them with Kindness
post by
dawn garcia
|
Labels:
abuse,
artists,
Dawn Garcia,
fashion,
film,
friendship,
honesty,
love,
Oscar Wilde,
power,
random acts of kindness,
relationships
A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.~Herm Albright
I did another video blog and while the tone is fairly upbeat and optimistic, I just want to say - rather admit - that my eternal optimism is my core, but NOT because my life has been sunshine and roses. One day I will write about the things I have experienced. But I'm not there just yet. We are all exposed to something. 2 out of 3 women are sexually assaulted, some never have a chance to even speak; violence breaks out in countries that steals the innocence away from those who never saw it coming; people hurt with words; some with physical fury. But life doesn't have to be that way. It doesn't have to be so riddled with anguish. Don't assume you know what any one person has gone through. Practice empathy but don't use your "situation" to excuse you from being a poor excuse of a human being. Be reminded - realize how much suffering there is in this world. BUT also own the fact that you don't need to contribute to it. Do everything you can to make it beautiful again.
Blog
How many times has someone been ignored or misunderstood or put down by others who didn't take the time to know them? It happens all of the time. People judging people, listening to the toxicity spewed by someone else, or making assumptions without getting the facts. I look at my child and I think, "I hope she is never made to feel bad about who she is". I hope the world she lives in is without judgment but I know that's not possible. I've certainly judged people at one point or another, and made assumptions, but I'm not proud of that nor do I make it a habit. Some people do.
I am a writer, which, yes, I realize is pretty clear. But as a writer I have a tremendous responsibility. I also often sit back and observe as part of my "job". I have conversations and make assessments and watch body language. The fears, the insecurities, the ones who think they hold some secret power. The ones that do have power. I have watched as the world around me gets lost in self-obsession rather than striving for empathetic unity.
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Nov 9, 2010
52 Random Acts of Kindness
post by
dawn garcia
|
Labels:
artists,
faith,
John Legend,
lifestyle,
love,
music,
open mind,
random acts of kindness,
relationships,
trust,
truth
"Writing is my form of expression. The way I stand up for injustice, speak my mind, vent about heartache or hurt, ponder the possibilities, protect what is valuable, question those who believe tearing down another is even remotely ok. Writing is my loudest voice and I have to make it count." - Dawn Garcia
Much like the magic jumping beans I bought for my baby this weekend, things in life are random. Sometimes we're bouncing all over the place in chaos and sometimes we're calm and able to focus. So aside from the random ramble you're about to read, remember to follow through to the end and commit to doing random acts of kindness for the next 52 days. Enjoy the ride...
I am a writer. Some people can't understand it. Some people would never do it. Some people don't even think it's a job. However some realize the vein-ripping that takes place in order for a writer to write. I don't write about nothing. I write about experiences, the core of my soul. Sometimes its senseless, sometimes I call someone out, sometimes I bleed out loud. Either way, I don't write because I'm bored. I write because it allows me to dig deep and pull out everything that looms within me. We live in a world full of privilege and chaos, degradation and the human potential. Everything is an opportunity to grow, to learn, to fight.
This weekend I went to escape life for a couple of days. I went far enough away. Far enough to laugh and be free and not worry about the peering eyes of others. It was lovely. It was lovely because I didn't pretend to be someone I'm not. I was real and raw and happy and grumpy and honest and tired and I talked about life. The world. About injustices. About living. In the process, the universe gave me a weird sort of sign. One I still can't quite make sense of. My suite was situated across from a stadium. All of a sudden, I opened the door to the balcony and I stood there listening. It was - of course - John Legend. Performing. Let me preface this with saying I bought a single ticket to see him back in September and I wanted to go alone.I wanted to "run in" to my ex. I knew he was going too. Instead we ended up (we, being my ex and me) going together. We went. It was not at all the beautiful evening it should have been. We had an argument about something trivial and I bottled up and I basically "left the building". Emotionally, anyway. We went to dinner and it was not fun. We ate in silence because my "hope" bit me. Again. I hadn't even noticed the parking lot signs that read things like "Get Out of Your Own Way". Back to the concert hall. I was already checked out and was so hesitant to give up my single seat. I handed my ticket to the girl with such reluctance. I should have just gone ahead and done what I knew I needed to - go alone. Instead we watched this concert in uncomfortable air and I felt like secretly my heart was flopping violently under his feet. It tends to seem worse when your emotions take hold. I longed to watch John Legend unobstructed and without pain. Alone. Like planned. And what happened? I got my second chance. Months later, here I am at this random and fun hotel and who is playing a concert across the street? Why of course, none other than Mr. John Legend. A chance to experience this music just sifting through the air and into my ears. And it was fun. And I was out there alone, on that balcony, so happy. The way I was supposed to do it originally. Two days later, John Legend is on the news. Speaking about social injustice, people not being valued. It was no mistake.
I saw him again today on CNN, John Legend. A piece about his goal to bring education - quality education - to under served communities, particularly African Americans. He uses his voice to speak loudly. To bring up topics some find taboo or politically incorrect. He's often ignored or put down by those who think he's just another celebrity speaking out of turn. And yet, I believe he is a well-spoken "celebrity" with a conscience. He's joined forces with Western Union to encourage others to do something kind. A celebrity with a voice worth hearing. Much like Matt Damon. My point is, I use my voice, and my goal is to become wealthy as a result. Why? Because if I can earn a very high standard of living by way of income, I can help those I know. I can pay someone's mortgage or help a village in Africa or help a family get back on their feet or pay for someone's education. There are countless things that can be done. In the process, I can encourage others who feel totally confined or oppressed to speak their mind. I don't mean just be a venting pool of verbal diarrhea though. Speak with intellect. Speak with purpose. Don't speak out of hate or anger, speak out of love and hope and conviction and respect.
I have a lot to do in this lifetime: A healthy, beautiful, phenomenal child I get to love and raise every day; A chance to figure out who I am and not be afraid to embrace the strength inside of me; Discover the past and why it has haunted me for so long; Let go of the one person that did more damage in one year than did the 35 years of trauma; Use my voice to do something of value - to expose injustice and bring awareness; Connect with artists and join together to bring more hope and beauty and truth and some sense of unity to a world that continues to hide beneath the sharp edges of hate and bigotry; Experience love in a way I didn't think was possible for me; Have a second chance to do things over.
I don't take for granted the things that come easily to me, like writing. I don't take for granted my fearlessness to go after what I want in life, because hearing "no" pales in comparison to what I've already experienced. I don't take for granted the truly extraordinary people that cross my paths, nor do I linger on those that are just "takers". I don't take for granted the beautiful artists I continue to meet who teach me how limitless subjectivity can be or how art and expression can and will heal this world. I don't take for granted the purpose of religion and the way it heals so many or offers solace in a world fraught with distraction, but I also don't believe any one is totally right: we are victims of circumstance and products of our environment, it's up to us how we utilize that. I don't take life's lessons for granted because I know now that I am always going to thrive when shoved into survival mode. I will make the best of a situation. I also don't take for granted the fear that has found it's way to me, because while I am not a person who is generally afraid, I have to confront the fears I have in order to find the tools that may help someone else push through theirs.
Life is important. Wasting yours being mean or bitter or critical without merit is a total waste of your time. So starting today, I would like to ask every single one of you to do a random act of kindness until the end of the year. Smile at someone. Leave a good tip. Tell someone you're sorry (and mean it). Vow to be a better partner. Vow to love. Love without judgment. Something. Go buy a cup of coffee for the person who answers your phones. Just make a choice to be kind and do something selfless every single day for the next 52 days.
And now for a little Legend...
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