You know that feeling when you open your eyes and you think, "ahh, that's done. I'm finally done" and it turns out, that's true! After my blog last night I feel like I let go of that last gnawing piece of the past. I felt relieved and really, it's finally over. My heart is starting to mend itself. I'm taking all of the steps necessary to keep my focus on the people and things in my life that actually mean something and thankfully, that's a pretty extensive list.
I even managed to go to the beach for a quick run this morning. The air was so brisk and I could feel the moisture of the sea gently caressing my face. I ran and the tide was really high and the water just saturated my feet and it felt like heaven. It felt like all of the pain I was hanging onto was being removed from me one tide at a time and god it felt good. Sometimes you realize you're stronger than you think. I made it through this last breakup a hell of a lot faster than I had the times before. Why? Because this entire year of the "yo-yo effect" prepared me to fully walk away and I can say that today - I walked away. The good news is, my head and heart will never let me look back. Life is pretty extraordinary that way. Something I learned about myself yesterday is when I am forced to survive, I will, and I'm very resourceful in getting there quickly. I have more inner strength than I give myself credit for and no matter what, every single experience teaches me more about myself, the truly exquisite people and friends in my life, and it teaches AND reminds me that I am pretty damn lucky.
So that's it. Surely I will reference it once in a while and my blogs aren't going to be cheery and uppity all the time because that's not life. That's not even close to life. But I will keep baring my soul to you and I will continually thank you for being gracious enough to accept me.
So now I begin a new chapter of my life. I call it vintage thinking. Why? Because the "old days" of taking the time to know someone, taking the time to spend with your friends and ones you loved was of value. I'm stripping away this modern notion that I have to be out there dating, being cool, being politically correct, or whatever. Total waste of my time to be honest. I dated and had a LOT of fun before I got married. No regrets. I know what it is I want and so now, I will love the beautiful mess I am and I am going to get back to the only things that really matter. I am going to be the woman with confidence and poise and style and a heart bigger than this universe and if you don't want to be a part of it, by all means, move on. If you do, then LET'S DO THIS!
I am getting ready to strip down to my basics, enjoy this new coppery red hair, put on a shade of red lipstick and remember that I am a woman that is beautiful and strong and smart and to hell with anyone who tries to stifle that!
A writer doesn't write to spew out a bunch of words. A writer cuts open their veins and lets the blood drip as we type. We expose the only thing we have. Everything. - Dawn Garcia
"The Big C"
I watch that new Showtime show, "The Big C" and for anyone who hasn't watched it, please do so immediately. Not only is it a superb cast and incredibly well written, the premise is profound. Often times we wait to live. We wait for things to be perfect, for everything to be just right, to have enough money, to have the right car, to have the right job, etc. The thing is, we do that with the promise that tomorrow we're going to wake up and have another day. A fresh start. A do-over if you will. But what if we don't? What if you find out you're terminal and have a year and half to live? What if you're a parent and you know you won't get to be there to see your children grow up? To fall in love. To hold them when they have their first heartbreak. What if you never have a chance to say I love you or I'm sorry? What if you never have a chance to make love on a beach. Or laugh for no reason? Enjoy the moments you do have and get rid of the ones that aren't good or healthy for you. Everything in life is a choice. Sometimes we make good choices, sometimes we don't but what's more important is how to react to the choices we make. Don't you want to start living life the way you hope is amazing?
I know we can't just be totally reckless - I guess technically we can but we show some restraint and sense of responsibility - but we should all be living life just a little bit more. Stop waiting to go on that trip or to buy that pair of jeans or taste that food or drink that bottle of wine. Just live. Life is unexpected and it's so much nicer when you let go a little and smile. I know that I'm going to start living a lot more. I'm going to finish this screenplay. I'm going to go to Fira. I'm going to sit on the beach and swim in the ocean naked. I'm going to embrace my body. I'm going to laugh with my baby girl so much our tummy's hurt. I'm going to make better choices. I'm going to stop being an emotional reactor. I'm going to talk about how I feel and know that sometimes that means I'm going to say what you don't want to hear. I'm going to wear that dress. I'm going to sip a latte in Verona. I'm going to stop ignoring my gut instinct. I'm going to ride in that gondola and drink wine with my girlfriend and laugh because we need a break from life. I am going to go to that place in Bora Bora and soak up the sun. I am going to stop blaming myself for everything. I am going to stop listening to negativity. I am going to dance without music. I am going to have the love I dream of. I am going to climb that tree. I am going to learn how to golf - even if I suck. I could go on and on. I have a lot to be grateful for and a lot to enjoy so off I go...
(I initially got this quote wrong in the live version - chalk it up to exhaustion...)
It takes a lot of strength to love but there is a quote I believe is the only way it can work: "If you can't love me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best." - Marilyn Monroe.
When it's real, you never run away. You never walk away. You never turn your back. You stay and that is often the hardest thing to do. You see, when you have a good heart and when you're real, when you're actually legit, you don't listen to the ones who don't know. So anyway, here's VideoBlog #3 Parts 1 and 2 (and for comments, please email me at info@dawngarcia.com):
Sometimes we forget who we are. We get caught up in events happening "to" us or "with" us or "around" us and we lose the epitome of "me". Of "you". We let go of that instinctive need to be okay with who we are and stop apologizing. For me, I feel like I'm constantly having to apologize for being "emotional" or too open about what's happening. People are offended or annoyed because somehow they see themselves in a blog I write, whether or not it's about them. People see what they want to see. But you know, I'm just me. I'm incredibly flawed and often a mess. (Though I have one friend who hates it when I use the term "mess". The reply from this friend is "you're not a mess, you're just perfection in progress") But what if I am? What if I am a mess. Messy because from my conception, life finds it necessary to test my strengths, push my buttons and see if I'll still love it back. If I'll give up. If I'll stop caring or being nurturing or being god forbid --- emotional. To that I say f*** you. I will often feel like quitting. I get mad and frustrated and have stupid moments of weakness where I think, "god, why are you always here? Why are you so friggin screwed up". I do. I then go to a place where I question everything about myself with the exception of being a good mom because that - THAT I'm great at!
I think, hey, I'm a writer. Maybe I'm actually good at that but regardless, I'm writing so even when someone thinks it is too "honest" or "crass" or "exposing" I don't care. I cannot care. If I spent all of my time being so cautious then I would probably stop getting emails about how grateful someone is that I am willing to show even the ugliest parts of myself and not apologize for it. I can't hide behind perfection or spout claims of "let's all just love each other" because sometimes, sometimes you get hurt. Sometimes you're not okay with things. Sometimes you do wonder what the hell is wrong with me. And you know, A LOT is wrong with me. I'm an imperfect girl. But at least I can admit that and still spend every second of my life working towards being better. Working towards not letting life's pissy little tantrums take away the essence of who I am. Sure, sometimes I really hate that I forgive so much. I hate that I overreact. I hate that I look in the mirror and allow certain situations to taint what I see. But in that dark place, in the worst places of me is love. Not shallow, apathetic love but compassionate and true and beautiful and empathic and hopeful. I do see the best in people, so what. If I don't, there aren't enough of us out there who will. Someone's gotta be able to see past your brick or steel wall and see that inside is beauty. Inside you are capable of so much more. There aren't enough of us out there asking you to be better, asking you to risk it so you CAN have love or be loved or be the ones brave enough to tell you, fuck off and go away because you're too painful, because you're poison. Because even when we say that - when I say that - I mean, do better because in some way, I'll still be here hoping you're going to be better.
I may seem sad or say things like my heart is breaking or I feel like I'm suffering. It's true. But wake up people, that's called being human and I am SO grateful I feel at all. I can't imagine allowing any one situation or person to leave such nasty wounds on my heart that I'm not able to tape it back together. Sure, it's not going to be as pretty as it used to be and once in a while a little blood seeps through but eventually, the tape will work. The pieces will stick and even when they start to peel and weather, I'll put stronger, better tape on. I can't lose my heart. I can't give up hoping. I can't stop writing. I can't pretend. I just can't. If you don't like it, don't read it. If you think it's about you, maybe it is, maybe it isn't. Unless you see YOUR name, don't make assumptions.
So am I a mess? I am a mess but maybe, maybe I can be a beautiful mess. Maybe a mess isn't such a terrible thing. It's honest, right? It is fragile and bitter and strong and empowering. But a mess can still be beautiful so here I am - exposed. Messy. Imperfect. And?
