Showing posts with label guys. Show all posts
Showing posts with label guys. Show all posts
Nov 18, 2010

Anyonmity.

post by dawn garcia | Labels: , , , , ,

I'm going for a weekend of writing and anonymity. Tomorrow, I start with dancing. Going out alone. Just need to dance. On the search for a good club with incredible music - something to move to. Saturday: an art show in Venice/Santa Monica. Sunday: a mystery. 


By Monday, I will have 50 pages written, some incredible stories of my adventures, and a feeling that maybe for a few days I forgot about everything.

Some quotes to make you laugh:

What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. Except for herpes. That shit'll come back with you. 

Goddamn, will you put some pants on? --- There is a tiger in the bathroom! There is a jungle cat in the bathroom!! --- Hey bro, do you mind on puttin on some pants? I find it a little weird that I have to tell you twice.

Not at the table, Carlos!

Step over there. Not you, Fat Jesus!
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Nov 17, 2010

The Human Heart - and Love

post by dawn garcia | Labels: , , , , , , , , , ,

“Truly loving another means letting go of all expectations. It means full acceptance, even celebration of another's personhood.”

 

It isn't easy to put aside judgment to attempt to see inside of someone. It takes a lot of pushing away of one's ego.  Love - well, loving someone for who they are, that's even more difficult. Loving someone and giving your heart often means that when it doesn't work out the way you'd hoped, it just feels like a piece of our heart has gone missing. Sometimes it has. Sometimes it never comes back. But the astonishing thing about the heart is it's surrounded by muscles, organs, vessels, blood. Each piece works together to rebuild. The tissue begins to form, the vessels begin to open, the organs begin to function again, the muscles protect. Those missing pieces we lose when we lose love just return in stronger form. I know it sucks, I know how much it hurts when it feels like your heart has been pulled out through your flesh - when it feels like someone's dirty shoes are standing atop it stomping the life out of it. The good news: It's just a feeling. Feelings are spontaneous, often reactionary. I just know that sometimes our hearts surprise us. 


The heart is the most beautiful organ in our bodies. It is full of hope and possibility, but above all, it has the ability to love. Love, by the way, is an unproven emotion. Scientifically it makes no sense. Sadness, happiness, anger - all emotions triggered by an action. But love, love is a spontaneous emotion that just occurs randomly without warning. It takes hold of us completely, sometimes makes us crazy, sometimes gives us peace. I have loved. I have felt so alive. I have experienced passion. I have experienced pain. But the only love I know that will never fade or falter is the love I have for my child. My biggest gift - ever. I look at her and I see my own life, know the heartbreak I've experienced or even caused and I hope she never has to go through that. That she is always strong and open-minded. That she loves and is always loved and encouraged.


Here's my fault: I have this volcano of emotion. I love so vastly and trust BUT somewhere along the lines, I began to lose hope in the romantic kind of love. Too much hurt, too many failures. Nothing is one-sided but I can only look at myself. So here's my advice to anyone almost about to walk away or maybe walked away:


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Oct 29, 2010

120 pgs - done.

post by dawn garcia | Labels: , , , , , , , , , , ,

“Take up one idea. Make that one idea your life - think of it, dream of it, live on that idea. Let the brain, muscles, nerves, every part of your body, be full of that idea, and just leave every other idea alone. This is the way to success, that is the way great spiritual giants are produced.” - Swami Vivekananda


120 pages are completed and 80 more to go. I then have to trash 50 and edit 150. 

A labor of love. This adaptation has kept me on my toes, taught me about myself, reminded me of the world, and haunted me in a way that has forced me to realize what does and does not matter in this life. 

While writing I have experienced some major "life events" and am learning a tremendous amount. Part of which was learning that the previous relationship I was in, I was in because I loved deeply and wholly. I managed to hang on to the small pockets of goodness or, as I have been educated, the "island love". The kind of love that, in isolation and away from the world, was beautiful but when it became real, rather than helpless, became too much to endure. I was beginning to feel regret about going back a final time but now understand that I went back because I saw glimpses of beauty, tenderness, wonderful love. Unfortunately, those glimpses were simply that and it would not ever be sustainable. While I had hoped for something different, a partnership of the ages, it just wasn't going to happen. My love affair paralleled that of Dorian and Sibyl (two characters in the adaptation). Beautiful and seemingly pure but tainted by illusion and a lack of information. I loved. It ended emotional and recklessly. But it ended. As will this screenplay - only the screenplay will bring life into an entirely new breed of love and vanity and longing and misconception. It's a tale that will remind all of us to be careful what we wish for...

I will not be posting at all this coming week while I finish this screenplay so for those of you that watch closely, thank you for following me, thank you for hearing the meaning behind the words, and for being incredibly supportive.

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Oct 14, 2010

videoBlog #4

post by dawn garcia | Labels: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

It takes a lot to write what I do. It takes a lot to trust others with the darkest, most vulnerable parts of oneself. It takes a lot to recover from death and abuse and being misunderstood - regularly. It takes a lot to write about a painful relationship and still somehow find some redemption in it. I am driven. I have focus. But I have feelings. 80% of you seem to respond to that and in some way it makes you feel like maybe you can have more courage to speak your mind. Like you're not alone. The problem is when you speak your mind, someone is always going to take it personally. See themselves in it too closely. There's no way to avoid it nor can I. But it hurts. 

Going through this relationship that just ended - harshly - was more painful than I ever expected it to be. I trusted a situation. I should have trusted myself. Difficult to swallow at times. And this breakup, as harsh as it was the 6th time it happened, played too much on my belief that people are innately good and loving. It's not easy to realize that it isn't true. And yet somehow, in spite of it all, I still have to believe people are. This break up followed a divorce. And while my ex-husband and I are incredibly good friends, the heart was raw. Divorce, even nice ones, still make you feel like you've failed. Add children to the mix and you feel like you've done something awful. I needed to recover from the first failure but I believed. I needed to and these blogs, these comments, it's my soul exposed, blood dripping, completely wounded. When you move on and convince yourself it's going to be better and come to see that the thing you believed, the notion of optimism and hope becomes a total lie, it rips your heart out. And, in the process, I have found that there are only a couple of friends that will really listen and love you when you're feeling totally broken. And so because its in my nature to want to be there for everyone else, I don't let many people be there for me because when I do, well, it just hurts. Hurts when you feel like maybe it's unimportant. Still, when life throws you into a brick wall, your flesh feels like its barely dangling, you find another outlet. I write about it. It's my way to feel like I'm not going to implode. I don't speak every thought in my head like literary diarrhea or write every time something bad happens but if I block it, if I don't speak up, if I don't admit that I feel like a complete fool because I chose to ignore every telltale sign, I'm lying to myself. I'm not being a very good example to my daughter if I start lying to myself.

So I'd like to ask for a little understanding. Empathy. An emotion not many openly embrace. You can judge me if you want because god knows I can say "that was purple" and somehow someone will hear "you look like a squished grape". There is only so much I can do. Only so much I can keep inside. I try to do the right thing regularly. I'd take a bullet for any one of my true friends. I'd sadly probably take a bullet for a stranger if I thought they were a decent enough human being. So when I'm broken, weak, angry, I rant. I write. And I share it with you because a long time ago I made a deal. If it makes it way to paper, it is no longer mine.

So you can read my posts and get angry at me for having opinions and being faulty and for not letting someone off the hook. I will always move forward. Always find my strength again. I'm not in this to gain popularity or win some sort of "like me" contest. I do what I do because I will make this world a better place whether that's by calling someone out or exposing my "crazy" or saying to someone who I feel did wrong, "you were wrong". I'm imperfect. I'm a writer. I have a responsibility to stick with writing the way I do because it's all a very significant growing process. Does that mean I get impulsive and just "react", yes. But honestly, knowing even one person feels like, because I write something that might make me look like an idiot, allows them to find some solace in what I've said, that's enough for me. Change doesn't happen in one fell swoop. Change happens slowly, one thought, one word - nasty or kind or vacant or deep or funny or random - at a time. I can't "make" anyone see who I am. The only way to do that is time and my previous blogs have been more about realizing that I wasn't being seen. I was being type-casted. 

I've been wrong a million times in my life. If I hadn't, I wouldn't be able to see how to make it right. Either way, the bad got me to here. The good got me to here. Regardless of how much I want to become a cold bitch and shut off the emotion valve, I can't. I learn every day a new tool to manage some new part of who I am. I will never stop realizing my faults nor will I ever stop trying to repair them. It isn't who I am. So I'll take the heat. I'll take the criticism. I'll take the verbal beatings AND the reflection. In the end, I went down a road. Sometimes it was smooth and sometimes it was infested with potholes and nails and grit. But eventually, when you walk long enough you know where you're headed, you realize that the only thing you can look forward to is the fact that possibility is on the rise. Not too far away.
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Oct 13, 2010

joie de vivre

post by dawn garcia | Labels: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

"I have found that a spark of joy, a reminder that no matter how much it hurts, you're capable of better, can change your world. Truth is, some things aren't meant to work. Try a new approach to living, to loving, to enjoying --- THAT is evolution. I like evolution. Choice. I choose to be happy. And it IS a choice. Stop thinking things happen "TO" you and realize life is giving you a chance to do better. Embrace that." - Dawn Garcia


Before you get too involved in this post - I am speaking my mind. Which means I am not keeping my heartache a secret. Sort of the way writers do things. They open up. They expose themselves and while some will hear the "he", I hope they actually have the know-how to realize this is about MY healing. Not about the person who played the part. He is a good man. We are simply a bad match. We are VERY different. Regardless of my venting, I am not speaking ill of him. He is a lovely person. The way we are together is bad, but that is the way we are TOGETHER. Not who he is on his own because he is a good friend (well, when we were friends) and a great entrepreneur and don't ever misunderstand my venting as anything else. This is the forum to speak my mind. If I didn't love him, I wouldn't be hurt. I did and I do and regardless of how careless we have both been, I am merely speaking about the hurt of a relationship that was bad. If you know "him" who will now only be referred to as Big Bird, try to remember this is not about him. This is about my journey as a person, a writer, a human being, a woman. I'm trying to figure my s*** out and if you have a hard time with that, I'm sorry. My relationship hurt my soul. Our differences are simply that. Again, have the "know-how" to understand that. I am a writer. Not a ballerina.

This was my Facebook status today. Why? Because I have realized that there were times in my life where I thought things happened "to" me and while certainly things do happen that you have no control over, nothing happens "to" you. It happens around you. There is no point playing the martyr or acting like you're the victim. That's the most ridiculous route to take but like everyone, I have definitely fallen into that. I almost did it this time. I allowed myself to get back into a relationship I had no business being in (primarily because I should have taken time to heal after my divorce, but it seemed like the right person and sometimes things happen) and rather than admitting it wasn't the right time, I gave into emotions and feelings and want and lost a friend of 8 years. A relationship that only ever should have been friendly. We crossed the line and forced something to "work" when the universe was giving us every sign to not go forward. We didn't listen. I didn't listen. I have never experienced anything quite like it in that the highs were high and the lows were SO low. We brought out the best and the worst in one another which led to catastrophe. 

Personality wise, we were different. I've never had such a polarized difference with someone. Some things that were in common were absolutely wonderful, specifically our love of film and experience in that world. Our views on art were pretty similar and interesting. Our views on people, definitely different. My one "fault" (though I don't really see it as a fault) is that I tend to want to see the best in everyone. I look deeper to see their potential. That can be very frustrating when you see how good or capable someone is but know they will never take the steps to realize that. It also makes it hurt a lot deeper when they disappoint you or you find out they aren't the people you thought. That happens often but I choose to still see the beauty in people. I don't care if I'm disappointed because one day, my faith in their potential will give at least one person the courage to be their best. Big Bird was more of a realist. And when people hurt him, he cut them off and moves on rather than do what I do and get caught up in the emotional hurt of it. Right or wrong, that works for him. It's probably smart. Sometimes, this caused conflict. Between us. But everyone has to do what is best for them. I cannot argue with it or claim my way is better because my way works for me. For my personality. For my life. Big Bird's way works for him.

I suppose where we differed most is how we perceived what was respectful and what was not. We also BOTH made a tremendous amount of assumptions. Of which were all pretty much wrong. Hence why this particular relationship would always be doomed to fail. No matter how much we knew better, we listened to emotions. We also let others influence way too much in our situation. When you let everyone else get involved and state their opinions, you set yourself up for failure. Unless, of course, you have the uncanny ability to speak up for the other person and know that everyone else's opinion is simply that. I stopped listening after a while to others because until you're in the situation, you can't really judge the whole thing. His perspective was different. Not bad, just the way he chose. Either way, looking back it wasn't wrong, just the universe saying, "hey, time to let go" and so now, after the series of strange emotions and really having some reflection, I let go. 

I want him to be happy. I want to be happy. But happiness is a choice, not some magical fairyland waiting for us to discover. I once made a choice during one of our "breakups" to just be happy and it was really extraordinary. Making that choice. So I'm back at it, though this time I've promised myself I won't forget about making that choice every day. This entire year and a half I had no business dating at all. (Even though I found glimpses of beauty in the midst) I had a lot of healing to do and I should have done it. BUT you stop listening to that voice inside. You start wanting everything you've been without. You start pretending someone else is capable of feeding that part of you. You convince yourself that they are "the one" when in truth, when you're that broken, that in need of healing, no one can be the one. It's a process of healing that needs to happen. I guess that's why this time it is easier to walk away. I've cried and I'm sure I will continue to cry. Mostly because my friend is gone. Mostly because I gave parts of my soul I had never given before. Mostly because while we were both often very good to one another, we were both absolutely horrible to each other as well. Both of us allowed so much to happen. Too much. We weren't emotionally mature enough to know space was the answer all along. Time. Time that would prove the theory we were not a match. We were always friends. Always better at that. 

But hindsight's a bitch, isn't it? And so, that's the gist of it. A tale of love and friendship that ended abruptly and painfully and honestly, as it was bound to. The ending part anyway. I have been SO fortunate to know a lot of couples, married and otherwise, that are happy. They aren't perfect but they commit to making it work even when it's really difficult. Why? Because that's what being in a relationship is supposed to be. BUT we are HUMAN. We vary in emotion. Right or wrong, we've all said stuff we shouldn't have. BUT these couples, these wonderful and beautiful friends and family of mine, show me the example of how much love can conquer everything. No one should ever push you to such a place you feel completely attacked. THAT is not the right relationship and that's where we were. A place I will never go back to. He and I pushed each other's buttons in the worse possible way. We knew it was happening but we failed to stop it. It's the simple dynamics between two people. Love is and will always be beautiful but if you don't push through the hardest times and really learn to trust and respect one another, it will never - EVER - work. 

So now I want to say that the people I know who are like me: creative, feisty, hard-headed, stubborn, defensive --- well, there is someone out there that will love us for that. Be willing to evolve though. Be willing to face your faults. Be willing to see the simple joy in everything. In spite of yourself. I know people who are like that. I know artist's who, because of the natural tendency to do so, forget that beauty is all we are, the sole reason we create, and we remind one another to hang on to that at any cost. I know friends that are loved BECAUSE of that. I have seen the "fighting", but not the horrid and mean, berating fighting. Fighting for love. Fighting even if the person was with someone else. Love never gives up. It just doesn't. And in the end, love prevails. So the point in all of this is make a choice to be happy. Don't wait on someone else to give that to you. Don't count on their sunshine to transfer to you. If you make the choice to be happy, you WILL be happy and then all of that goodness will attract more goodness. I have seen it, I know it to be true, and I know it's real. He and I are not bad people, just the wrong people for one another. Together we were like fire and ice. Hot and cold and the two temperatures never made it to "warm". 

Ok, that's all I suppose. This is about reflection. I like knowing life is not done with me. Not even close. I like knowing love isn't done with me either. Love is not some far off idea. It is real but searching for it or making it happen isn't the way it takes hold of you. It has to find you. It has to be the right time, the right person, the natural progression of things. Forcing it only means you forced it. Therefore, by definition, is not love. I choose to embrace the love I have with my daughter, my friends, my family. I have always been incredibly lucky to be surrounded by love and goodness and part of that is because, unless I'm in the hell I allowed myself to go to, I project the same love and goodness too. It's what you put out there people. You put out good, you get good. Period. and as my wonderful friend David reminded me, Joie de Vivre! Joie de Vivre!!!

For the sheer joy of living... 
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Oct 9, 2010

stop functioning and start living...

post by dawn garcia | Labels: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

A writer doesn't write to spew out a bunch of words. A writer cuts open their veins and lets the blood drip as we type. We expose the only thing we have. Everything. 
- Dawn Garcia

"The Big C"

I watch that new Showtime show, "The Big C" and for anyone who hasn't watched it, please do so immediately. Not only is it a superb cast and incredibly well written, the premise is profound. Often times we wait to live. We wait for things to be perfect, for everything to be just right, to have enough money, to have the right car, to have the right job, etc. The thing is, we do that with the promise that tomorrow we're going to wake up and have another day. A fresh start. A do-over if you will. But what if we don't? What if you find out you're terminal and have a year and half to live? What if you're a parent and you know you won't get to be there to see your children grow up? To fall in love. To hold them when they have their first heartbreak. What if you never have a chance to say I love you or I'm sorry? What if you never have a chance to make love on a beach. Or laugh for no reason? Enjoy the moments you do have and get rid of the ones that aren't good or healthy for you. Everything in life is a choice. Sometimes we make good choices, sometimes we don't but what's more important is how to react to the choices we make. Don't you want to start living life the way you hope is amazing? 

I know we can't just be totally reckless - I guess technically we can but we show some restraint and sense of responsibility - but we should all be living life just a little bit more. Stop waiting to go on that trip or to buy that pair of jeans or taste that food or drink that bottle of wine. Just live. Life is unexpected and it's so much nicer when you let go a little and smile. I know that I'm going to start living a lot more. I'm going to finish this screenplay. I'm going to go to Fira. I'm going to sit on the beach and swim in the ocean naked. I'm going to embrace my body. I'm going to laugh with my baby girl so much our tummy's hurt. I'm going to make better choices. I'm going to stop being an emotional reactor. I'm going to talk about how I feel and know that sometimes that means I'm going to say what you don't want to hear. I'm going to wear that dress. I'm going to sip a latte in Verona. I'm going to stop ignoring my gut instinct. I'm going to ride in that gondola and drink wine with my girlfriend and laugh because we need a break from life. I am going to go to that place in Bora Bora and soak up the sun. I am going to stop blaming myself for everything. I am going to stop listening to negativity. I am going to dance without music. I am going to have the love I dream of. I am going to climb that tree. I am going to learn how to golf - even if I suck. I could go on and on. I have a lot to be grateful for and a lot to enjoy so off I go...

What are you going to do?


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VideoBlog# 3

post by dawn garcia | Labels: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

(I initially got this quote wrong in the live version - chalk it up to exhaustion...)

It takes a lot of strength to love but there is a quote I believe is the only way it can work: "If you can't love me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best." - Marilyn Monroe.


When it's real, you never run away. You never walk away. You never turn your back. You stay and that is often the hardest thing to do. You see, when you have a good heart and when you're real, when you're actually legit, you don't listen to the ones who don't know. So anyway, here's VideoBlog #3 Parts 1 and 2 (and for comments, please email me at info@dawngarcia.com):

Part1:

Part 2:



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Oct 5, 2010

A beautiful mess...

post by dawn garcia | Labels: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Sometimes we forget who we are. We get caught up in events happening "to" us or "with" us or "around" us and we lose the epitome of "me". Of "you". We let go of that instinctive need to be okay with who we are and stop apologizing. For me, I feel like I'm constantly having to apologize for being "emotional" or too open about what's happening. People are offended or annoyed because somehow they see themselves in a blog I write, whether or not it's about them. People see what they want to see. But you know, I'm just me. I'm incredibly flawed and often a mess. (Though I have one friend who hates it when I use the term "mess". The reply from this friend is "you're not a mess, you're just perfection in progress") But what if I am? What if I am a mess. Messy because from my conception, life finds it necessary to test my strengths, push my buttons and see if I'll still love it back. If I'll give up. If I'll stop caring or being nurturing or being god forbid --- emotional. To that I say f*** you. I will often feel like quitting. I get mad and frustrated and have stupid moments of weakness where I think, "god, why are you always here? Why are you so friggin screwed up". I do. I then go to a place where I question everything about myself with the exception of being a good mom because that - THAT I'm great at! 

I think, hey, I'm a writer. Maybe I'm actually good at that but regardless, I'm writing so even when someone thinks it is too "honest" or "crass" or "exposing" I don't care. I cannot care. If I spent all of my time being so cautious then I would probably stop getting emails about how grateful someone is that I am willing to show even the ugliest parts of myself and not apologize for it. I can't hide behind perfection or spout claims of "let's all just love each other" because sometimes, sometimes you get hurt. Sometimes you're not okay with things. Sometimes you do wonder what the hell is wrong with me. And you know, A LOT is wrong with me. I'm an imperfect girl. But at least I can admit that and still spend every second of my life working towards being better. Working towards not letting life's pissy little tantrums take away the essence of who I am. Sure, sometimes I really hate that I forgive so much. I hate that I overreact. I hate that I look in the mirror and allow certain situations to taint what I see. But in that dark place, in the worst places of me is love. Not shallow, apathetic love but compassionate and true and beautiful and empathic and hopeful. I do see the best in people, so what. If I don't, there aren't enough of us out there who will. Someone's gotta be able to see past your brick or steel wall and see that inside is beauty. Inside you are capable of so much more. There aren't enough of us out there asking you to be better, asking you to risk it so you CAN have love or be loved or be the ones brave enough to tell you, fuck off and go away because you're too painful, because you're poison. Because even when we say that - when I say that - I mean, do better because in some way, I'll still be here hoping you're going to be better.

I may seem sad or say things like my heart is breaking or I feel like I'm suffering. It's true. But wake up people, that's called being human and I am SO grateful I feel at all. I can't imagine allowing any one situation or person to leave such nasty wounds on my heart that I'm not able to tape it back together. Sure, it's not going to be as pretty as it used to be and once in a while a little blood seeps through but eventually, the tape will work. The pieces will stick and even when they start to peel and weather, I'll put stronger, better tape on. I can't lose my heart. I can't give up hoping. I can't stop writing. I can't pretend. I just can't. If you don't like it, don't read it. If you think it's about you, maybe it is, maybe it isn't. Unless you see YOUR name, don't make assumptions.

So am I a mess? I am a mess but maybe, maybe I can be a beautiful mess. Maybe a mess isn't such a terrible thing. It's honest, right? It is fragile and bitter and strong and empowering. But a mess can still be beautiful so here I am - exposed. Messy. Imperfect. And?


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Oct 3, 2010

eternal sunshine of my spotless mind

post by dawn garcia | Labels: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

(To the one who was hurt by my openness and honesty in the blog below, I'm sorry. In the end though, it seems this time, the timing just wasn't right. I hope some day we'll get it right...)

I want to believe that today is a new day and while every obvious element lends to that theory, somehow it feels a lot like a day I've experienced too many times before. Back up against the wall. It's time I see what is actually happening before me. Sometimes we see what we want to see not what is actually there. My heart has a mind of its own. It's often misleading and while it is beautiful, I think it is going to need a much better compass. Guess it's all about pointing in two directions: daughter and career. I foolishly added another arrow and fell really deep into its direction. It's no fun always being a secret. Always being in limbo. Sometimes you need clarification. So now we're back to two. Always two. 

*I made a mistake. - I wrote this and never even gave the 3rd person a 2nd chance or a chance to explain. Emotion can be beautiful but acting on emotion can ruin something beautiful. Take your time, think before you speak. That's going to be my biggest lesson.

Lines from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind:

Joel: I can't see anything that I don't like about you.
Clementine: But you will! But you will. You know, you will think of things. And I'll get bored with you and feel trapped because that's what happens with me.
Joel: Okay.
Clementine: [pauses] Okay. 

A beautiful version of Sia's "Breathe Me" set to Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

The lyrics to this song below is my heart.  Enjoy the music. It's exquisite:


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Oct 2, 2010

Just the way you are...

post by dawn garcia | Labels: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I woke up and the rain was falling. I woke up and I realized I had love. I woke up and I realized I do love. I woke up and embraced the creativity I have to ignite in order to write. In order to live. To breathe. I do something some may find odd or incredibly unrealistic or healing or rare. I breathe through writing. I create. I choose to express those "feelings" trapped in the festering bubbling, oddly dark places dwelling within. I find the voice that often hides itself away in the shadows for fear of judgment and I set her free. If I don't who will? If I don't admit I feel defeat or sadness or fear or anger or love or beauty or freedom or laughter or accomplishment or self-doubt or confidence or loss or grief or impatience or courage or sensuality or lust or low self-esteem or joy or motherhood or worry of the unknown, then I cannot face the day with honesty. I couldn't face myself. So I expose the raw grit of what's going on inside. And in doing so I breathe. I don't have to hide in the shadows or feel shame. I can be naked and utterly exposed and beautiful because I choose to open up the floodgates and not care about who judges me or who misunderstands. We live in a world that hides behind war, hides behind judgment, hides behind religion, hides behind inexperience, violence, mistruths; a world that if you were to actually open your eyes to really experience it would see that while it is fraught with horrid behavior, it swells in absolute beauty. One person who mistreats only means there are millions, billions, that may actually see you and your beauty. A ghetto fabricated with unnecessary violence or feelings of no-way-out mean somewhere, there is a world, a place that is simple and quiet and beautiful and they don't care where you come from. They simply have a smile. We overlook the finer things. The things we cannot see because we have not yet experienced them but it doesn't mean they are not out there alive and well, waiting for you to discover them. Somewhere there are not straying bullets and instead there are people gathering food and living off the land - not recklessly, but lovingly. 

I suppose I breathe through writing because in my world, I have seen those extraordinary places. Sometimes I don't have to go anywhere, I just have to look in someone's eyes. Don't be afraid to confront you. Because behind all of that uncertainty exists tremendous beauty because you had the courage and the audacity to admit you are not perfect and in control. You are you. 


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what. love. can. mean.

post by dawn garcia | Labels: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

“Every man is afraid of something. That's how you know he's in love with you; when he is afraid of losing you.”

 

Nothing in life seems more soaring and more painful than love. The very emotion that cannot be explained away by science or religion is the one emotion that gives all of us that insatiable appetite to feel it. It is the reason we breathe and hope and dream and the thing that can also tear us down and break us. I've been in love, I have loved, I do love, I have been traumatized by love, I have been rejuvenated by love. I have been tormented by loved and saved by love. I have experienced love not merely romantic, but parental, innate, encouraging... I thought I knew what love really was until I became a mother. All of a sudden love takes a turn. It becomes raw and fragile, hopeful and enslaving. It makes you go so deep inside of yourself and it cannot be contained. I see my child and I see love. Pure, whole, untainted, unbiased, and beautiful. 

 

And then I think of that "other half" love. The kind I once believed in. The kind I thought could break through any wall and I realized I'm wrong. It may exist but perhaps I've been too battered to even allow it. Maybe the truth is I will go through life alone - not without love but without a mate. A partner. I will not place that burden on anyone. Perhaps I ask too much. Perhaps I am unwilling to see that maybe I am so strong and expect so much, love is not possible. I know everyone carries a burden but really? Why does this have to be mine? Why so much suffering? I just can't understand.

 

It can be exhausting to wait. To want. To hope. But if we do nothing and give up, we end up with nothing. I face the failure of loving head on because maybe one day, I'll get it right. Maybe one day, there will be another half. And if not, I will find a way to make myself whole and hope a bit harder.



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Sep 22, 2010

embrace the unexpected

post by dawn garcia | Labels: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

success without a person to share it with is like a face without a smile

 

“The most essential factor is persistence - the determination never to allow your energy or enthusiasm to be dampened by the discouragement that must inevitably come.”

 

the ultimate life lived is one where you can gray and weather and look back at the love you've given, the love you've shared, the people who have given you purpose. standing idle as time passes is not an option. opening your eyes and embracing everything is when that cadence of your heart begins to move again and somehow, in the melodic throws of possibility, we begin to live.  we can linger in moments of regret and dwell in the pools of disappointment or we can swim towards the glowing ocean of dreams and the continued realm of encouragement and belief in ourselves. to grow old knowing we have given love purely, we have fostered and nurtured the beauty and innocence of our children, we have lived each day moving towards a dream - that is when we can breathe. 


when I am old and my life is near its end (if I am able to live long enough to grow old) I want to look at my daughter and see the love we have shared. I want to know that I spent every moment of my life exploring the potential of goodness and beauty and that somehow I armed her with enough knowledge and faith in the impossible that she will be truly happy. that when I see her eyes I see hope and strength and know that her life is going to be rich with incredible joy and laughter, success and integrity, but above all - love. because at the end of the day what good are we if we do not love. love our children, love our friends, love our families, love another soul that might meet yours. 


life is far too unknown, in my opinion, to spend countless hours and days and years searching for what might happen when it's over. I'd much rather relish in what is and embrace every single opportunity, smile every chance I get, ignite passion, see cultures through untainted eyes, speak freely, accept others in this world who have truly beautiful hearts regardless of who they love or what they believe.


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Sep 21, 2010

never give up, never surrender...

post by dawn garcia | Labels: , , , , , , , , , ,

We fight a long time to claim our identities. Sometimes serious evolution happens within us because something like divorce happens where you finally have the courage to say, "I want more" out loud. Only your statement is heard in volumes far louder than expected and why? Because you finally say screw it! You follow your dreams. You realize you are capable of anything. Nothing left to lose and when you look at your daughter and see that joy in her eyes because you're her mom --- the fight to succeed is well worth it. I won't be the mother that neglects my child while I pound the pavement because in truth, she's the reason I will succeed. She's the reason I wake up with a smile every single day. She's the reason I close my eyes at night and dream. SHE is why finally doing what I have always wanted is possible. No point in sitting on the sidelines watching everyone takes life by the balls. No, not me. I'm going to be the one holding the reigns. Yep. Me. Hold on because here I come...
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