Showing posts with label truth. Show all posts
Showing posts with label truth. Show all posts
Dec 28, 2010

confessions of a writer. part one.

post by dawn garcia | Labels: , , , , ,


writing is a socially acceptable form of schizophrenia. - e.l. doctorow
when you tell anyone you’re a writer, they kind of look at you. there’s a long pause and then they say, “have you written anything I might have seen?” and then you proceed to say that on top of it, you’re a screenwriter. to which they immediately reply (eyes widened), “have you written any movies I may have seen?” and then you take a long pause and say, probably not.

true, I have written all sorts of things that have been published. but published in periodicals for writers or artists or those seeking out and hungry for creative fare. I’ve written poetry that was part of an exhibit at an art gallery. I’ve sold work. I’ve been promoted. I’ve written creative ad campaigns. I’ve reviewed plays, films, art shows, food. and now I’m writing two screenplays. one of the screenplays I’m writing, well, everyone (ok, not everyone, but anyone with a literary longing) has at least read the book I’m adapting. a book by the ever misunderstood, overly ignored, highly under-appreciated, Oscar Wilde. the screenplay to follow that one is a very intense, highly researched, fabricated story that will - in every conceivable way - take down child predators. after I come out of the darkness for which I will inevitably creep into, I have four more screenplays to complete. one of which is an animated feature. a very very good one. another is a twisted love story/satire. another is thought provoking tale of genocide. another is a forgone story of therapy and self exposure.

but you see, in the mind of a writer - correction. in the mind of me, I find thoughts fester and swell and often form some sort of strange bacteria or growth before I allow them the freedom to tackle oxygen and life. I think things that I often wish I didn’t. I have an imagination that soars so incredibly high and left and right and sideways, it can, if I let it, grasp tightly around my neck until the words nearly choke me. I can close my eyes and see truth. (that can be scary) I find that words are in fact the vessels to which my blood flows. they are the source of all things essential. at least to me. they give the power to release every single intangible emotion on the verge of suicide and they literally tangle themselves around my veins until the only choice I have is to give in and regurgitate. it sounds sort of gross but really, there is nothing tastier than creative vomit.

and so there. these are the confessions of a writer (this writer) - part one. I say part one because if I’m going to be honest and reach into my soul, I better be willing to cut through the thick layer of bullsh*t to level with you. eventually we will get to part one billion three hundred eighty seven million two hundred thousand and five.

confessions, part one have been written by me -dawn garcia
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Dec 18, 2010

a 3 year-old and an ambulance.

post by dawn garcia | Labels: , , , , , , , , ,

First of all, forgive the run-on sentences, poor grammar, and possible chaos in this blog.

I know I said I was off but after an ambulance ride (by the way, nowhere near as cool as the ambulance scene in "About A Boy") and seeing my 3 year-old in traction, being surrounded by paramedics - well, I figured perhaps I had another blog left in me. Let me just say to anyone who ever doubts it, never underestimate how lucky you are to have someone beside you. Single parenting is by far one of the most challenging adventures of my life thus far but moreso because my heart is bigger than I ever imaged and she fills most of it up. This perfectly wonderful little one who makes everything extraordinary --- and knows precisely how to make me need to do relaxation breathing in those less than patient times. But today after a very hard fall in the Toy Story Mania 3D line, it was one of those moments. You see, in trauma, I tend to become eerily calm. It's like spooky zen. I don't have much to say (odd for me), I smile, I politely ask questions, I hold my baby's hand, hold her close, I breathe, and I just stay, well, calm. That's not to be confused with tranquil because THAT is not at all what's happening inside. Inside I'm a knot. I'm churning and wincing, and near vomit but I hide it all with an acceptable smile and a very mellow tone. I hold my baby's hand, I tell her a story, I remind her how brave she is, and then, once the ER doc tells us she's ok and I can take her home. I breathe. A little. And then I call her dad (ex-husband) to pick us up because my car is still at Disneyland. Good thing he and I are friendly.

So we get home, I pack her things because as it turns out this week is one of two she will get with just her dad this year. So they come here while I finish packing up her things, she plays like nothing has happened. I remind her that she needs to slow down or we'll end up back at the ER which now, because there were no "pokes" (i.e., shots), she actually thinks is kind of cool. Great. Now I need a new threat. Shoot! Anyway, she runs around, plays drums on every surface, all the while I'm packing up her favorite blankey and favorite "friend" and picking out the DVD's she'll take with her to daddy's. And then she hugs me tight and says, "ok mom, put me down" and she kisses me, reluctantly because in her mind, a week is 2 days, and off they go. Door closes. Churning increases, worry rears it's ugly head, and bottom lip starts quivering. Before you know it, I'm in fetal position on the bed sobbing because the thought of anything horrible or harmful happening to my little world *my child* is unbearable. Unbearable!

And then while I'm crying I realize my house is quiet. I can't call my family because they're pissed I didn't call 20 of them while in the ER, mad because a pic posted on Facebook, which in hindsight was probably stupid, but still. The realization that my family prefers to react in agitation or pointing out I didn't do something the "right" way sets in. Inside I'd like to tell them to piss off. But I just hit ignore and send a text saying, "maybe you can realize this wasn't about you and perhaps try a little something called understanding". This is when I realize how much it sucks to not have my mom. Granted she's been dead 20 years but sometimes, I think she was the only person blood related that understood me at all. Such is the life of a creative and intellectual person I think. Not to say they, my family, aren't smart, because they are, but they certainly aren't liberal in thought. In fact, and yes, here's where it explains some of my religious annoyance - my entire family (ok, wait, except Kev, you're in your own special sub-category) are right wing Christian Republicans and all of us have the issue of needing to be in control. (I know) However, we never agree agree on religion or politics and the scope of which we can talk about things is ever shrinking. Thankfully we talk of our children (and I am in love with my nieces and nephews) but in these moments, I'm not so sure we'll ever see eye to eye. Now let me clarify that I love my family and they have been there for me many times but last night I didn't need what happened. Of all nights, it just wasn't the night. I have to also say that while I complain about their views because to me, they are a little narrow minded, they have good hearts and I know they mean well, it just doesn't always turn out well. 

Anyway, my day was a little chaotic. Started out great, had a pretty intense drop, and now tomorrow I'm supposed to leave town to work on the one thing that will give us a better life, more opportunity, and give me some peace. I really need some peace. This is probably the most personal blog I'll post on here but sadly at this moment, it's easier talking to a blank blog post than those closest to me (family-wise I mean). I'm a big believer that we all screw up from time to time but today - today was NOT the day to vent to me about your issue with how I handled things. Because as a mom, I hate to say it, the only person that I HAVE to focus on and be concerned about is 3. And she's my baby and everyone else, like it or not, is secondary. It doesn't mean I don't care it just means you're not my first priority - or even my fifth. So, there it is. Do not make something that is happening within my little unit about you.

Ok. So now I wait as my little love sleeps at her dad's. I wait for the "check-in" texts to be sure that my baby has no signs of concussion or hematoma. No vomiting. No listlessness. No - anything on the 50 page handout they gave about things to do in the event of a head injury. And I cry here and there because that image of her in traction on a stiff blue board is haunting. Perhaps I should have prefaced this all with saying I am the ultimate mama bear. I will do anything for my little love. Anything. And yet this week, she's not with me and I have to trust her dad to take good care of her. When she's with me 80% of the time, that 20% is awfully quiet. And so I pack. Reluctantly. In hopes I can go on this trip. Because honestly, I feel like my limbs are cut off right now. A place to sit and think and write and be free sounds like heaven.

So that's the summation of my day and brief glimpse into my family tree (that appears to have some sort of strange bacteria festering on its branches). And now I go back to packing. Sadly I don't even know what I'm putting in the suitcase and yet somehow it's getting fuller. Amazing. Yes. I'm finally done. Off I go.

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Nov 23, 2010

love. apology. being grateful. and other things.

post by dawn garcia | Labels: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Today I had a therapy session and I just dug right into the pain. It's remarkable how deep that pain is, how far back it goes. And yet the one thing that resonates is only relative by looking at relationships.I've made some mistakes, I've overreacted, said things I wish I could take back, but what I wish is that the context was taken into account. It always takes two people. It is never entirely one person's fault. I have the tendancy to look at my "mistakes" and take on all of the burden. Fortunately, that's just not the way things are. Everything is a result of two (obviously there are exceptions). What I've learned is when I sit there in therapy, I talk about everyone else. How I feel badly about others, how I reacted or who has gotten hurt and finally, today, the therapist said, "Stop. Are you hearing yourself? You are only able to talk about others. How you could have made it better, how you could have done things differently. But not once have you talked about yourself. How all of this affects you." I bursted out in tears. Why? Because it was true. I spend so much time worrying about how my actions might have affected or hurt another, I never stopped to realize no one was taking that kind of time on me. Almost no one. One person gets the free pass here and that person knows. (Thanks, Jonesy).

In my 36 years, rarely has anyone actually tried protecting me. Tried protecting my feelings. And so as a natural consequence, I stopped protecting my feelings too. I experience a huge fear of loss because too many people I've loved have died or gone away. I blame myself, which is ridiculous because someone dying or leaving isn't in my control. Granted, I've left people too, and I'm not proud of that. I'm not proud of the hurt that I may have caused and god, if I could do it over with the knowledge I'm finally attaining, things would be very different. But they aren't. I just have to find a way to love myself again. This last relationship I was in - the one I'm having trouble letting go of - I remember the last big fight. After which, the internal self talk or "negative cognition" sounded something like this: I'm not worth it. I'm not enough. I'm unloved. I'm not beautiful. To which, my therapist replied: Now, say the exact opposite because you are worth it. You are enough. You are loved. You are beautiful. Which, of course, resulted in more tears. And then we went straight into EMDR. 

Yikes! Memories that flash before you, like, Wheel of Fortune (this is the example the therapist gives before starting light therapy). You watch a light, focus on a moment, a painful memory. Stop. Breathe in deeply, exhale deeply then you say the first thought that pops into your visual memory. It's amazing what comes out. Amazing. In the end, I felt better and then sad and then manageable and then happy and then angry and then hurt and then remorseful and then, then - a small amount of peace. 

So while my heart has a long way to go before it starts to feel whole again, I am grateful for the life that led me to here. This place in life where the storm is harsh, the road seems beaten, but then I look at the face of my child and she is proof I have done something extraordinary and good and beautiful. I am grateful to be a mother. I am grateful that I have given children love and acceptance and have given joy to some children that never had any. I actually remembered this one little boy I used to work with in Sunday School (yes, Sunday School, when I was more "religious"). I worked with children ages 6-10 and for some reason I knew I could be the teacher and maternal figure many of them were lacking. I thought about Robert. Robert was 7 at the time. Robert had a lot of emotional and psychological issues that kept him from fully enjoying life. After an "episode" his father had to make the painful decision to admit him into a child psychiatric hospital. I could see the pain in his dad's eyes but I saw a moment of joy come back when I would come and visit Robert at the hospital. I would make pictures with him and read stories and just talk. Sometimes I think that's what I was meant to do. Reminded me also of Riley. Riley was a little boy who would not respond to tutors because he had Autism, ticks, ADHD and ADD. I asked to give it a shot. I found that all Riley needed was some love and a little "silly". I bought him a copy of "Where the Sidewalk Ends" and sat there and read the poetry with him one tutoring session. His mom, Jan, was elated. It was the first time in her son's 8 years that he actually showed a focused interest in reading. Riley was a genius. As was Robert. Robert put his first computer together at the age of 3. Sometimes when one faculty is taken away, another one is given in its stead.

I am grateful for the gifts I've been given. I am grateful to be a mother. I am grateful I believed in you when you lost your house. I'm grateful I believed in you when you told me of your loss. I am grateful you took care of me when I couldn't. I am grateful I didn't give up. I am grateful I won't lose hope. I am grateful for the party I threw at the Tiki Room (PDC). I am grateful I needed Skin Medica (Bestie). I am grateful for Calvary (Tanta). I a grateful for FB (Jess). I am grateful you looked through your window. I am grateful to have forgotten one last box. I am grateful you told me of your struggles. I am grateful for being strong. I am hoping to be a better friend. I am hoping to believe in love. I am hoping to be the best example of loving, because my baby deserves that. It takes a lot to admit you've been wrong, but it takes even more to recognize the beauty within yourself. I'm not pointless. Neither are you. Neither are any of us. But if we don't stop beating ourselves up and start healing what we can heal, it doesn't matter. I'm not without hope. I believe I'm worth a second chance. I believe I'm NOT worth losing faith in. That's not easy to say. To those of you who continue to see past the mistakes and love me anyway, I am SO grateful for you. You are extraordinary and in case I don't say it enough, you are my gifts. Harold, Yvette, Linnea, Trista, Shana, Lakeia, Jesse, Anthony, Karsten, Mr. Jones, Mayumi, Tama, Maxime, David, Liz, LoLo --- thank you for the continual love, encouragement, and reminder that I've done a lot of "right" in my life. You are shining examples of that.

Happy Thanksgiving...
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Nov 21, 2010

broken and rebuildling.

post by dawn garcia | Labels: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,



I write about love and hope and dreams and I write those things with conviction. I also write about all of my faults and my regrets which are in plenty. I have spent the last 10 years of my life slowly losing parts of myself and am only now learning to reclaim them. I was married and while it was to a wonderful man, neither one of us were truly being ourselves and so in the end, we got divorced. The hardest part is that we have a beautiful little girl and so the damage was not forgone. And then I fell madly in love. I began a relationship with someone I had known for 8 years (7 at the time). In the beginning it was so beautiful but eventually, as happens when you go through a divorce and try to love, the pieces begin falling apart. 

I lost everything about who I was. Over this last year I have literally been in an emotional war. The failure of marriage is why they say --- every expert, everyone who has gone through it --- that you should wait a year before dating. I didn't. Instead I got involved with someone and we had exceptionally beautiful moments but when we fought, we fought horribly. We both got together at quite possibly the worst time in our lives. It didn't bring us closer together, it just ripped up apart. I knew better but my heart wouldn't listen. And so now, now all that is left are remnants of war. Every single wound exposed or patched together with shotty materials and there is nothing left but a shell of a person. My heart. My heart wants to love so much but can't anymore. Not really. The hurt I have goes way deeper than just a breakup. Everything I believed in about love, about myself, was shattered. 

So now I'm taking the steps to heal. I started going to therapy and while some will cringe at the thought, it's been the hardest thing I have ever done. I found therapists that actually found a way to open up my soul and let every hurtful and painful thing seep to the surface. It's haunting, honestly. But I'm completely fragile. I feel lost and everything we discuss tears into me a little deeper each time. And so the past month has been a cry-fest. I realize this might seem odd or uncomfortable for some of you but I have. At night, I think about my previous relationship, I think about why I loved him so much and why we were so unwilling to fix ourselves first. So here I am. I have someone that loves me and I can't even allow anything to happen because no matter what I do, no matter what I tell myself, my heart is still with S. It doesn't make for a very uplifting tale, I agree, but the honest to god truth is I've never experienced more pain than this. I also can't make my heart do what it doesn't want.

And so I'm stepping back from everything. I'm not ready. I can't handle even a tiny disappointment because it only cuts into me like someone took a medieval dagger and began sawing through my chest. My last relationship was so unhealthy but it's not because it wasn't worth saving or wasn't real, it was because the two people in it were extremely unhealthy on their own and so there was no chance it could work until they both got healthy. Now there is no hope. Now it's just a painful chapter in my book. A love I will always hurt from. At least until my therapy works. I'm doing this therapy that allows my mind to start forgetting painful memories. I have memories from as early as 6 months old that I need to be erased. I say erased because the type of therapy I'm doing will allow painful memories to fade away indefinitely. I have learned that the road I've been on has been fraught with violence and death and cruelty and negligence and self doubt and as a result, it's not possible to be the woman I should be until I can take those painful memories away. And so I'm going to be "healthy". Now let's not get carried away and misunderstand what "healthy" actually means. It's about accepting and confronting the painful events of one's life and not letting them take you over. It's not about sanity. It's about healing.

I have made so many mistakes. This last year I became someone I didn't recognize. I was like a soldier coming back from war. My war was a lifetime of a culmination of things and it only just flashed back to me last August. And my emotional pain, my fears, my faults, all just rose to the surface. Maybe some of you know what I mean. But I can't erase my own actions. Can't erase the things I did wrong. That part is really painful. But I can say I wish I would have done things differently. I can say I'm sorry. And mean it. As in "I'm sorry, I will never do that again". No one gets here on their own. The pain isn't self-inflicted, it's a reaction to pain done to me (though I hate saying that because I don't like the idea of playing a "victim". I'm not a victim, just a product of things others found necessary to do to cause pain and harm) and so my mechanism is I put on my armor and I defend myself. As my therapist said, I am very resilient. I'm great in survival mode --- but no can survive in survival mode all of the time. 

And so I sit here in the rain and have yet another good cry and I miss who I miss and know what my heart wants and doesn't want. I can't fathom disappointment or any more hurt. So the only recourse is to do precisely what I'm doing. Go "talk it out" and get back to simple. Just do the basics: Raise and love and enjoy this perfectly wonderful little girl of mine and know we'll be okay if it is just the two of us forever (well until she's all grown up and has love, which I hope and pray for every day. I never want her to be alone or unloved or not loving. It's the only reason we're here on this earth). I will focus on work and my art because it's the one safe place I've got and I can be totally free. Know what is true and what is not. I have made tremendous mistakes but I am all too hard on myself. (Another lesson I've learned in therapy) And when you're hard on yourself, somehow, people pick up on that and they are all too happy to watch it happen. Sometimes they'll even contribute to it because it's a lot easier to blame someone else than to realize you too did a lot of bad things. This week I hope to forget more. I hope that the light therapy will begin to heal the wounded girl and bring back the strength and belief in myself I let seep through the cracks.

I may never repair the damage that has been done but at least I know I exhausted all possible resources and tried. I may not be able to accept love or give love for a long while and as much as that scares me, I have to accept it. Why? Because I'm not one to lie to myself. If I'm not honest with myself, who will be? I can't expect any of you to understand nor am I asking that of you. But as you know, I'm not a writer that hides behind fluffy words or cutesy expression. I'm real. That means I'm exposed and you may think I suck or I'm a whiner or I've got issues or maybe you see that I'm strong and I'm smart and I'm remarkably optimistic. I can't get to the better - second chance - part of my life until I repair the mounting damage so I will. I'm starting back at the bottom. My foundation is shaky at best, I have no idea what materials to use to rebuild but I'm sure they'll present themselves in time. So that's that. 

Me. In the raw. Totally broken and piecing myself back together. How was your day?

Another blog: Writeslave. A Blog.
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Nov 11, 2010

the film world is an exceptional one.

post by dawn garcia | Labels: , , , , , , , ,

Life is so filled with adversity. We chase our tails. We search for what's real, what is tangible, what isn't lost in the realm of chaos and possibility. The thing is, we've all been kicked in the gut. We've all had rude awakenings. We've all had to reassess our own lives. I find it utterly intriguing to get sucked into the vortex of "acceptability" only to realize there's no real need. When you start working in the world of Entertainment - correction: in the Film, TV, and Fashion industries, you are taught one very valuable lesson. That lesson? NEVER stray too far from your circle of trusted people. Why? Because as you climb the ladder, you encounter more "crazy". More "takers". More people that just want to utilize your "connections". That's the real beauty of everything in life, isn't it? It is a very secret world: film. A world I am so happy in. A little family for 3 months that allows you to get lost in your own imagination. A family that understands the world you envision. A world that is plentiful in art and creativity, a world that exists for those who have the ability to call "bullshit" before it even enters the room. It's a gift. But I appreciate other artists. I appreciate those who are following their dreams. The ones who can see past the confining world around them and dare to dream. Dare to risk it all for a chance at something spectacular...

I have spent the last 16 years working with the very best in this Industry. I knew from the beginning I didn't want mediocre. I wanted "A" list or nothing. Why? Because what's the point in wasting your time with people you can't respect? Don't admire? Now let's be clear. "A" list is ideally the creme de la creme, but it is also the epitome of those who do not listen to the average bear say what is and what is not possible. The "A" lister is the dreamer among dreamers. The one that pushes through bankruptcy (Coppola), challenges creativity (Lucas), questions our existence (Spielberg), and dares to live in a beautiful world (Domingo). I'll never forget the 1st Academy event I went to. I met Pedro Almodóvar and I was an instant fan. The film being nominated: Woman on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown. A film that captures the true fragility of a woman; the vulnerability of a human being. It was one of those movies that allowed you to explore the realm of human emotion. He was gracious and kind and really endearing and in the end, my motivation was realized. If we have the fortunate opportunity to work in the Entertainment industry, we cannot waste our voice. We also cannot allow toxic people in. It's a very odd journey but one, as I have found out, allows you to realize your passions, expand on your dreams, and speak your mind = loudly and without censorship. 

I have learned a lot. This business has taught me a lot. Beware of what is not real and envelop what is. I have a track history with the "real" and the truly artistic. It is a welcome part of my life. I am grateful but I also know if it wasn't for who I am, I would never have experienced such exquisite perfection. Listen, if you are creative - truly creative, embrace that. Don't allow the outside world to interfere with your process. They will always try. Darkness will always attempt to envelop your sunshine but just remember what matters. I work in the Film world because I understand it. It is creative and real and full of diversity. I am at home with diversity. 16 years is a long time. I am beyond grateful for all I've been fortunate enough to be exposed to and know that the world on the rise - the career that is about to catapult is truly a gift. In addition, I have found - or rather accepted - my very own Mr. Big. An idea of someone. The culmination of all good things if you will. Not one man, but an ideal version of one. Hence, the name: Mr. Big and not something like, Sam. Sometimes life, love, career, possibility, dreams, hope, the processing of good and bad - it just happens. I cannot fathom a world without it.

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Nov 9, 2010

52 Random Acts of Kindness

post by dawn garcia | Labels: , , , , , , , , , ,

"Writing is my form of expression. The way I stand up for injustice, speak my mind, vent about heartache or hurt, ponder the possibilities, protect what is valuable, question those who believe tearing down another is even remotely ok. Writing is my loudest voice and I have to make it count." - Dawn Garcia

Much like the magic jumping beans I bought for my baby this weekend, things in life are random. Sometimes we're bouncing all over the place in chaos and sometimes we're calm and able to focus. So aside from the random ramble you're about to read, remember to follow through to the end and commit to doing random acts of kindness for the next 52 days. Enjoy the ride...

I am a writer. Some people can't understand it. Some people would never do it. Some people don't even think it's a job. However some realize the vein-ripping that takes place in order for a writer to write. I don't write about nothing. I write about experiences, the core of my soul. Sometimes its senseless, sometimes I call someone out, sometimes I bleed out loud. Either way, I don't write because I'm bored. I write because it allows me to dig deep and pull out everything that looms within me. We live in a world full of privilege and chaos, degradation and the human potential. Everything is an opportunity to grow, to learn, to fight. 

This weekend I went to escape life for a couple of days. I went far enough away. Far enough to laugh and be free and not worry about the peering eyes of others. It was lovely. It was lovely because  I didn't pretend to be someone I'm not. I was real and raw and happy and grumpy and honest and tired and I talked about life. The world. About injustices. About living. In the process, the universe gave me a weird sort of sign. One I still can't quite make sense of. My suite was situated across from a stadium. All of a sudden, I opened the door to the balcony and I stood there listening. It was - of course - John Legend. Performing. Let me preface this with saying I bought a single ticket to see him back in September and I wanted to go alone.I wanted to "run in" to my ex. I knew he was going too. Instead we ended up (we, being my ex and me) going together. We went. It was not at all the beautiful evening it should have been. We had an argument about something trivial and I bottled up and I basically "left the building". Emotionally, anyway.  We went to dinner and it was not fun. We ate in silence because my "hope" bit me. Again. I hadn't even noticed the parking lot signs that read things like  "Get Out of Your Own Way". Back to the concert hall. I was already checked out and was so hesitant to give up my single seat. I handed my ticket to the girl with such reluctance. I should have just gone ahead and done what I knew I needed to - go alone. Instead we watched this concert in uncomfortable air and I felt like secretly my heart was flopping violently under his feet. It tends to seem worse when your emotions take hold. I longed to watch John Legend unobstructed and without pain. Alone. Like planned. And what happened? I got my second chance. Months later, here I am at this random and fun hotel and who is playing a concert across the street? Why of course, none other than Mr. John Legend. A chance to experience this music just sifting through the air and into my ears. And it was fun. And I was out there alone, on that balcony, so happy. The way I was supposed to do it originally. Two days later, John Legend is on the news. Speaking about social injustice, people not being valued. It was no mistake. 

I saw him again today on CNN, John Legend. A piece about his goal to bring education - quality education - to under served communities, particularly African Americans. He uses his voice to speak loudly. To bring up topics some find taboo or politically incorrect. He's often ignored or put down by those who think he's just another celebrity speaking out of turn. And yet, I believe he is a well-spoken "celebrity" with a conscience. He's joined forces with Western Union to encourage others to do something kind. A celebrity with a voice worth hearing. Much like Matt Damon. My point is, I use my voice, and my goal is to become wealthy as a result. Why? Because if I can earn a very high standard of living by way of income, I can help those I know. I can pay someone's mortgage or help a village in Africa or help a family get back on their feet or pay for someone's education. There are countless things that can be done. In the process, I can encourage others who feel totally confined or oppressed to speak their mind. I don't mean just be a venting pool of verbal diarrhea though. Speak with intellect. Speak with purpose. Don't speak out of hate or anger, speak out of love and hope and conviction and respect. 

I have a lot to do in this lifetime: A healthy, beautiful, phenomenal child I get to love and raise every day; A chance to figure out who I am and not be afraid to embrace the strength inside of me; Discover the past and why it has haunted me for so long; Let go of the one person that did more damage in one year than did the 35 years of trauma; Use my voice to do something of value - to expose injustice and bring awareness; Connect with artists and join together to bring more hope and beauty and truth and some sense of unity to a world that continues to hide beneath the sharp edges of hate and bigotry; Experience love in a way I didn't think was possible for me; Have a second chance to do things over. 

I don't take for granted the things that come easily to me, like writing. I don't take for granted my fearlessness to go after what I want in life, because hearing "no" pales in comparison to what I've already experienced. I don't take for granted the truly extraordinary people that cross my paths, nor do I linger on those that are just "takers". I don't take for granted the beautiful artists I continue to meet who teach me how limitless subjectivity can be or how art and expression can and will heal this world. I don't take for granted the purpose of religion and the way it heals so many or offers solace in a world fraught with distraction, but I also don't believe any one is totally right: we are victims of circumstance and products of our environment, it's up to us how we utilize that.  I don't take life's lessons for granted because I know now that I am always going to thrive when shoved into survival mode. I will make the best of a situation. I also don't take for granted the fear that has found it's way to me, because while I am not a person who is generally afraid, I have to confront the fears I have in order to find the tools that may help someone else push through theirs. 

Life is important. Wasting yours being mean or bitter or critical without merit is a total waste of your time. So starting today, I would like to ask every single one of you to do a random act of kindness until the end of the year. Smile at someone. Leave a good tip. Tell someone you're sorry (and mean it). Vow to be a better partner. Vow to love. Love without judgment. Something. Go buy a cup of coffee for the person who answers your phones. Just make a choice to be kind and do something selfless every single day for the next 52 days. 

I'd love to hear what you've done so please email me at info@dawngarcia.com with your random acts of kindness. 

And now for a little Legend...

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Oct 15, 2010

let's go vintage...

post by dawn garcia | Labels: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

You know that feeling when you open your eyes and you think, "ahh, that's done. I'm finally done" and it turns out, that's true! After my blog last night I feel like I let go of that last gnawing piece of the past. I felt relieved and really, it's finally over. My heart is starting to mend itself. I'm taking all of the steps necessary to keep my focus on the people and things in my life that actually mean something and thankfully, that's a pretty extensive list. 

I even managed to go to the beach for a quick run this morning. The air was so brisk and I could feel the moisture of the sea gently caressing my face. I ran and the tide was really high and the water just saturated my feet and it felt like heaven. It felt like all of the pain I was hanging onto was being removed from me one tide at a time and god it felt good. Sometimes you realize you're stronger than you think. I made it through this last breakup a hell of a lot faster than I had the times before. Why? Because this entire year of the "yo-yo effect" prepared me to fully walk away and I can say that today - I walked away. The good news is, my head and heart will never let me look back. Life is pretty extraordinary that way. Something I learned about myself yesterday is when I am forced to survive, I will, and I'm very resourceful in getting there quickly. I have more inner strength than I give myself credit for and no matter what, every single experience teaches me more about myself, the truly exquisite people and friends in my life, and it teaches AND reminds me that I am pretty damn lucky. 

So that's it. Surely I will reference it once in a while and my blogs aren't going to be cheery and uppity all the time because that's not life. That's not even close to life. But I will keep baring my soul to you and I will continually thank you for being gracious enough to accept me.

So now I begin a new chapter of my life. I call it vintage thinking. Why? Because the "old days" of taking the time to know someone, taking the time to spend with your friends and ones you loved was of value. I'm stripping away this modern notion that I have to be out there dating, being cool, being politically correct, or whatever. Total waste of my time to be honest. I dated and had a LOT of fun before I got married. No regrets. I know what it is I want and so now, I will love the beautiful mess I am and I am going to get back to the only things that really matter. I am going to be the woman with confidence and poise and style and a heart bigger than this universe and if you don't want to be a part of it, by all means, move on. If you do, then LET'S DO THIS!


I am getting ready to strip down to my basics, enjoy this new coppery red hair, put on a shade of red lipstick and remember that I am a woman that is beautiful and strong and smart and to hell with anyone who tries to stifle that!

For a Mr. Jones:

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Oct 13, 2010

joie de vivre

post by dawn garcia | Labels: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

"I have found that a spark of joy, a reminder that no matter how much it hurts, you're capable of better, can change your world. Truth is, some things aren't meant to work. Try a new approach to living, to loving, to enjoying --- THAT is evolution. I like evolution. Choice. I choose to be happy. And it IS a choice. Stop thinking things happen "TO" you and realize life is giving you a chance to do better. Embrace that." - Dawn Garcia


Before you get too involved in this post - I am speaking my mind. Which means I am not keeping my heartache a secret. Sort of the way writers do things. They open up. They expose themselves and while some will hear the "he", I hope they actually have the know-how to realize this is about MY healing. Not about the person who played the part. He is a good man. We are simply a bad match. We are VERY different. Regardless of my venting, I am not speaking ill of him. He is a lovely person. The way we are together is bad, but that is the way we are TOGETHER. Not who he is on his own because he is a good friend (well, when we were friends) and a great entrepreneur and don't ever misunderstand my venting as anything else. This is the forum to speak my mind. If I didn't love him, I wouldn't be hurt. I did and I do and regardless of how careless we have both been, I am merely speaking about the hurt of a relationship that was bad. If you know "him" who will now only be referred to as Big Bird, try to remember this is not about him. This is about my journey as a person, a writer, a human being, a woman. I'm trying to figure my s*** out and if you have a hard time with that, I'm sorry. My relationship hurt my soul. Our differences are simply that. Again, have the "know-how" to understand that. I am a writer. Not a ballerina.

This was my Facebook status today. Why? Because I have realized that there were times in my life where I thought things happened "to" me and while certainly things do happen that you have no control over, nothing happens "to" you. It happens around you. There is no point playing the martyr or acting like you're the victim. That's the most ridiculous route to take but like everyone, I have definitely fallen into that. I almost did it this time. I allowed myself to get back into a relationship I had no business being in (primarily because I should have taken time to heal after my divorce, but it seemed like the right person and sometimes things happen) and rather than admitting it wasn't the right time, I gave into emotions and feelings and want and lost a friend of 8 years. A relationship that only ever should have been friendly. We crossed the line and forced something to "work" when the universe was giving us every sign to not go forward. We didn't listen. I didn't listen. I have never experienced anything quite like it in that the highs were high and the lows were SO low. We brought out the best and the worst in one another which led to catastrophe. 

Personality wise, we were different. I've never had such a polarized difference with someone. Some things that were in common were absolutely wonderful, specifically our love of film and experience in that world. Our views on art were pretty similar and interesting. Our views on people, definitely different. My one "fault" (though I don't really see it as a fault) is that I tend to want to see the best in everyone. I look deeper to see their potential. That can be very frustrating when you see how good or capable someone is but know they will never take the steps to realize that. It also makes it hurt a lot deeper when they disappoint you or you find out they aren't the people you thought. That happens often but I choose to still see the beauty in people. I don't care if I'm disappointed because one day, my faith in their potential will give at least one person the courage to be their best. Big Bird was more of a realist. And when people hurt him, he cut them off and moves on rather than do what I do and get caught up in the emotional hurt of it. Right or wrong, that works for him. It's probably smart. Sometimes, this caused conflict. Between us. But everyone has to do what is best for them. I cannot argue with it or claim my way is better because my way works for me. For my personality. For my life. Big Bird's way works for him.

I suppose where we differed most is how we perceived what was respectful and what was not. We also BOTH made a tremendous amount of assumptions. Of which were all pretty much wrong. Hence why this particular relationship would always be doomed to fail. No matter how much we knew better, we listened to emotions. We also let others influence way too much in our situation. When you let everyone else get involved and state their opinions, you set yourself up for failure. Unless, of course, you have the uncanny ability to speak up for the other person and know that everyone else's opinion is simply that. I stopped listening after a while to others because until you're in the situation, you can't really judge the whole thing. His perspective was different. Not bad, just the way he chose. Either way, looking back it wasn't wrong, just the universe saying, "hey, time to let go" and so now, after the series of strange emotions and really having some reflection, I let go. 

I want him to be happy. I want to be happy. But happiness is a choice, not some magical fairyland waiting for us to discover. I once made a choice during one of our "breakups" to just be happy and it was really extraordinary. Making that choice. So I'm back at it, though this time I've promised myself I won't forget about making that choice every day. This entire year and a half I had no business dating at all. (Even though I found glimpses of beauty in the midst) I had a lot of healing to do and I should have done it. BUT you stop listening to that voice inside. You start wanting everything you've been without. You start pretending someone else is capable of feeding that part of you. You convince yourself that they are "the one" when in truth, when you're that broken, that in need of healing, no one can be the one. It's a process of healing that needs to happen. I guess that's why this time it is easier to walk away. I've cried and I'm sure I will continue to cry. Mostly because my friend is gone. Mostly because I gave parts of my soul I had never given before. Mostly because while we were both often very good to one another, we were both absolutely horrible to each other as well. Both of us allowed so much to happen. Too much. We weren't emotionally mature enough to know space was the answer all along. Time. Time that would prove the theory we were not a match. We were always friends. Always better at that. 

But hindsight's a bitch, isn't it? And so, that's the gist of it. A tale of love and friendship that ended abruptly and painfully and honestly, as it was bound to. The ending part anyway. I have been SO fortunate to know a lot of couples, married and otherwise, that are happy. They aren't perfect but they commit to making it work even when it's really difficult. Why? Because that's what being in a relationship is supposed to be. BUT we are HUMAN. We vary in emotion. Right or wrong, we've all said stuff we shouldn't have. BUT these couples, these wonderful and beautiful friends and family of mine, show me the example of how much love can conquer everything. No one should ever push you to such a place you feel completely attacked. THAT is not the right relationship and that's where we were. A place I will never go back to. He and I pushed each other's buttons in the worse possible way. We knew it was happening but we failed to stop it. It's the simple dynamics between two people. Love is and will always be beautiful but if you don't push through the hardest times and really learn to trust and respect one another, it will never - EVER - work. 

So now I want to say that the people I know who are like me: creative, feisty, hard-headed, stubborn, defensive --- well, there is someone out there that will love us for that. Be willing to evolve though. Be willing to face your faults. Be willing to see the simple joy in everything. In spite of yourself. I know people who are like that. I know artist's who, because of the natural tendency to do so, forget that beauty is all we are, the sole reason we create, and we remind one another to hang on to that at any cost. I know friends that are loved BECAUSE of that. I have seen the "fighting", but not the horrid and mean, berating fighting. Fighting for love. Fighting even if the person was with someone else. Love never gives up. It just doesn't. And in the end, love prevails. So the point in all of this is make a choice to be happy. Don't wait on someone else to give that to you. Don't count on their sunshine to transfer to you. If you make the choice to be happy, you WILL be happy and then all of that goodness will attract more goodness. I have seen it, I know it to be true, and I know it's real. He and I are not bad people, just the wrong people for one another. Together we were like fire and ice. Hot and cold and the two temperatures never made it to "warm". 

Ok, that's all I suppose. This is about reflection. I like knowing life is not done with me. Not even close. I like knowing love isn't done with me either. Love is not some far off idea. It is real but searching for it or making it happen isn't the way it takes hold of you. It has to find you. It has to be the right time, the right person, the natural progression of things. Forcing it only means you forced it. Therefore, by definition, is not love. I choose to embrace the love I have with my daughter, my friends, my family. I have always been incredibly lucky to be surrounded by love and goodness and part of that is because, unless I'm in the hell I allowed myself to go to, I project the same love and goodness too. It's what you put out there people. You put out good, you get good. Period. and as my wonderful friend David reminded me, Joie de Vivre! Joie de Vivre!!!

For the sheer joy of living... 
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Oct 9, 2010

stop functioning and start living...

post by dawn garcia | Labels: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

A writer doesn't write to spew out a bunch of words. A writer cuts open their veins and lets the blood drip as we type. We expose the only thing we have. Everything. 
- Dawn Garcia

"The Big C"

I watch that new Showtime show, "The Big C" and for anyone who hasn't watched it, please do so immediately. Not only is it a superb cast and incredibly well written, the premise is profound. Often times we wait to live. We wait for things to be perfect, for everything to be just right, to have enough money, to have the right car, to have the right job, etc. The thing is, we do that with the promise that tomorrow we're going to wake up and have another day. A fresh start. A do-over if you will. But what if we don't? What if you find out you're terminal and have a year and half to live? What if you're a parent and you know you won't get to be there to see your children grow up? To fall in love. To hold them when they have their first heartbreak. What if you never have a chance to say I love you or I'm sorry? What if you never have a chance to make love on a beach. Or laugh for no reason? Enjoy the moments you do have and get rid of the ones that aren't good or healthy for you. Everything in life is a choice. Sometimes we make good choices, sometimes we don't but what's more important is how to react to the choices we make. Don't you want to start living life the way you hope is amazing? 

I know we can't just be totally reckless - I guess technically we can but we show some restraint and sense of responsibility - but we should all be living life just a little bit more. Stop waiting to go on that trip or to buy that pair of jeans or taste that food or drink that bottle of wine. Just live. Life is unexpected and it's so much nicer when you let go a little and smile. I know that I'm going to start living a lot more. I'm going to finish this screenplay. I'm going to go to Fira. I'm going to sit on the beach and swim in the ocean naked. I'm going to embrace my body. I'm going to laugh with my baby girl so much our tummy's hurt. I'm going to make better choices. I'm going to stop being an emotional reactor. I'm going to talk about how I feel and know that sometimes that means I'm going to say what you don't want to hear. I'm going to wear that dress. I'm going to sip a latte in Verona. I'm going to stop ignoring my gut instinct. I'm going to ride in that gondola and drink wine with my girlfriend and laugh because we need a break from life. I am going to go to that place in Bora Bora and soak up the sun. I am going to stop blaming myself for everything. I am going to stop listening to negativity. I am going to dance without music. I am going to have the love I dream of. I am going to climb that tree. I am going to learn how to golf - even if I suck. I could go on and on. I have a lot to be grateful for and a lot to enjoy so off I go...

What are you going to do?


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VideoBlog# 3

post by dawn garcia | Labels: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

(I initially got this quote wrong in the live version - chalk it up to exhaustion...)

It takes a lot of strength to love but there is a quote I believe is the only way it can work: "If you can't love me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best." - Marilyn Monroe.


When it's real, you never run away. You never walk away. You never turn your back. You stay and that is often the hardest thing to do. You see, when you have a good heart and when you're real, when you're actually legit, you don't listen to the ones who don't know. So anyway, here's VideoBlog #3 Parts 1 and 2 (and for comments, please email me at info@dawngarcia.com):

Part1:

Part 2:



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Oct 5, 2010

A beautiful mess...

post by dawn garcia | Labels: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Sometimes we forget who we are. We get caught up in events happening "to" us or "with" us or "around" us and we lose the epitome of "me". Of "you". We let go of that instinctive need to be okay with who we are and stop apologizing. For me, I feel like I'm constantly having to apologize for being "emotional" or too open about what's happening. People are offended or annoyed because somehow they see themselves in a blog I write, whether or not it's about them. People see what they want to see. But you know, I'm just me. I'm incredibly flawed and often a mess. (Though I have one friend who hates it when I use the term "mess". The reply from this friend is "you're not a mess, you're just perfection in progress") But what if I am? What if I am a mess. Messy because from my conception, life finds it necessary to test my strengths, push my buttons and see if I'll still love it back. If I'll give up. If I'll stop caring or being nurturing or being god forbid --- emotional. To that I say f*** you. I will often feel like quitting. I get mad and frustrated and have stupid moments of weakness where I think, "god, why are you always here? Why are you so friggin screwed up". I do. I then go to a place where I question everything about myself with the exception of being a good mom because that - THAT I'm great at! 

I think, hey, I'm a writer. Maybe I'm actually good at that but regardless, I'm writing so even when someone thinks it is too "honest" or "crass" or "exposing" I don't care. I cannot care. If I spent all of my time being so cautious then I would probably stop getting emails about how grateful someone is that I am willing to show even the ugliest parts of myself and not apologize for it. I can't hide behind perfection or spout claims of "let's all just love each other" because sometimes, sometimes you get hurt. Sometimes you're not okay with things. Sometimes you do wonder what the hell is wrong with me. And you know, A LOT is wrong with me. I'm an imperfect girl. But at least I can admit that and still spend every second of my life working towards being better. Working towards not letting life's pissy little tantrums take away the essence of who I am. Sure, sometimes I really hate that I forgive so much. I hate that I overreact. I hate that I look in the mirror and allow certain situations to taint what I see. But in that dark place, in the worst places of me is love. Not shallow, apathetic love but compassionate and true and beautiful and empathic and hopeful. I do see the best in people, so what. If I don't, there aren't enough of us out there who will. Someone's gotta be able to see past your brick or steel wall and see that inside is beauty. Inside you are capable of so much more. There aren't enough of us out there asking you to be better, asking you to risk it so you CAN have love or be loved or be the ones brave enough to tell you, fuck off and go away because you're too painful, because you're poison. Because even when we say that - when I say that - I mean, do better because in some way, I'll still be here hoping you're going to be better.

I may seem sad or say things like my heart is breaking or I feel like I'm suffering. It's true. But wake up people, that's called being human and I am SO grateful I feel at all. I can't imagine allowing any one situation or person to leave such nasty wounds on my heart that I'm not able to tape it back together. Sure, it's not going to be as pretty as it used to be and once in a while a little blood seeps through but eventually, the tape will work. The pieces will stick and even when they start to peel and weather, I'll put stronger, better tape on. I can't lose my heart. I can't give up hoping. I can't stop writing. I can't pretend. I just can't. If you don't like it, don't read it. If you think it's about you, maybe it is, maybe it isn't. Unless you see YOUR name, don't make assumptions.

So am I a mess? I am a mess but maybe, maybe I can be a beautiful mess. Maybe a mess isn't such a terrible thing. It's honest, right? It is fragile and bitter and strong and empowering. But a mess can still be beautiful so here I am - exposed. Messy. Imperfect. And?


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Oct 3, 2010

eternal sunshine of my spotless mind

post by dawn garcia | Labels: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

(To the one who was hurt by my openness and honesty in the blog below, I'm sorry. In the end though, it seems this time, the timing just wasn't right. I hope some day we'll get it right...)

I want to believe that today is a new day and while every obvious element lends to that theory, somehow it feels a lot like a day I've experienced too many times before. Back up against the wall. It's time I see what is actually happening before me. Sometimes we see what we want to see not what is actually there. My heart has a mind of its own. It's often misleading and while it is beautiful, I think it is going to need a much better compass. Guess it's all about pointing in two directions: daughter and career. I foolishly added another arrow and fell really deep into its direction. It's no fun always being a secret. Always being in limbo. Sometimes you need clarification. So now we're back to two. Always two. 

*I made a mistake. - I wrote this and never even gave the 3rd person a 2nd chance or a chance to explain. Emotion can be beautiful but acting on emotion can ruin something beautiful. Take your time, think before you speak. That's going to be my biggest lesson.

Lines from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind:

Joel: I can't see anything that I don't like about you.
Clementine: But you will! But you will. You know, you will think of things. And I'll get bored with you and feel trapped because that's what happens with me.
Joel: Okay.
Clementine: [pauses] Okay. 

A beautiful version of Sia's "Breathe Me" set to Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

The lyrics to this song below is my heart.  Enjoy the music. It's exquisite:


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Oct 2, 2010

Just the way you are...

post by dawn garcia | Labels: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I woke up and the rain was falling. I woke up and I realized I had love. I woke up and I realized I do love. I woke up and embraced the creativity I have to ignite in order to write. In order to live. To breathe. I do something some may find odd or incredibly unrealistic or healing or rare. I breathe through writing. I create. I choose to express those "feelings" trapped in the festering bubbling, oddly dark places dwelling within. I find the voice that often hides itself away in the shadows for fear of judgment and I set her free. If I don't who will? If I don't admit I feel defeat or sadness or fear or anger or love or beauty or freedom or laughter or accomplishment or self-doubt or confidence or loss or grief or impatience or courage or sensuality or lust or low self-esteem or joy or motherhood or worry of the unknown, then I cannot face the day with honesty. I couldn't face myself. So I expose the raw grit of what's going on inside. And in doing so I breathe. I don't have to hide in the shadows or feel shame. I can be naked and utterly exposed and beautiful because I choose to open up the floodgates and not care about who judges me or who misunderstands. We live in a world that hides behind war, hides behind judgment, hides behind religion, hides behind inexperience, violence, mistruths; a world that if you were to actually open your eyes to really experience it would see that while it is fraught with horrid behavior, it swells in absolute beauty. One person who mistreats only means there are millions, billions, that may actually see you and your beauty. A ghetto fabricated with unnecessary violence or feelings of no-way-out mean somewhere, there is a world, a place that is simple and quiet and beautiful and they don't care where you come from. They simply have a smile. We overlook the finer things. The things we cannot see because we have not yet experienced them but it doesn't mean they are not out there alive and well, waiting for you to discover them. Somewhere there are not straying bullets and instead there are people gathering food and living off the land - not recklessly, but lovingly. 

I suppose I breathe through writing because in my world, I have seen those extraordinary places. Sometimes I don't have to go anywhere, I just have to look in someone's eyes. Don't be afraid to confront you. Because behind all of that uncertainty exists tremendous beauty because you had the courage and the audacity to admit you are not perfect and in control. You are you. 


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trust me, we think the same thing.

post by dawn garcia | Labels: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Sometimes people look at mom's who have that "holy hell, get me a drink and get me one fast" look and think those moms are crazy. Mind you they didn't just have the swinging roller coaster of emotion that you just did as you're 3 year-old "tween-in-training" gives you kisses and hugs you and tells you how much she loves you only to turn into the closest thing related to the exorcist because you said "no" and she kicks and screams and tells you you're a horrible mom, mean, and wishes you would just disappear forever. Forever! How. dare. you. The truth is, we wonder what's going on too, but then after the enormous and strangely hysterical tantrum our child just threw, we want to hug and squeeze them (and yes, sometimes imagine we were Samantha from "Bewitched" so we could just freeze time, drink a bottle of wine, do a yoga routine to center our "inner self", and get in a two-hour nap).
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what. love. can. mean.

post by dawn garcia | Labels: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

“Every man is afraid of something. That's how you know he's in love with you; when he is afraid of losing you.”

 

Nothing in life seems more soaring and more painful than love. The very emotion that cannot be explained away by science or religion is the one emotion that gives all of us that insatiable appetite to feel it. It is the reason we breathe and hope and dream and the thing that can also tear us down and break us. I've been in love, I have loved, I do love, I have been traumatized by love, I have been rejuvenated by love. I have been tormented by loved and saved by love. I have experienced love not merely romantic, but parental, innate, encouraging... I thought I knew what love really was until I became a mother. All of a sudden love takes a turn. It becomes raw and fragile, hopeful and enslaving. It makes you go so deep inside of yourself and it cannot be contained. I see my child and I see love. Pure, whole, untainted, unbiased, and beautiful. 

 

And then I think of that "other half" love. The kind I once believed in. The kind I thought could break through any wall and I realized I'm wrong. It may exist but perhaps I've been too battered to even allow it. Maybe the truth is I will go through life alone - not without love but without a mate. A partner. I will not place that burden on anyone. Perhaps I ask too much. Perhaps I am unwilling to see that maybe I am so strong and expect so much, love is not possible. I know everyone carries a burden but really? Why does this have to be mine? Why so much suffering? I just can't understand.

 

It can be exhausting to wait. To want. To hope. But if we do nothing and give up, we end up with nothing. I face the failure of loving head on because maybe one day, I'll get it right. Maybe one day, there will be another half. And if not, I will find a way to make myself whole and hope a bit harder.



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Sep 22, 2010

damn if I don't LOVE Glee...

post by dawn garcia | Labels: , , , , , , , ,

Goddamn I love Glee. Yes. Love. If I could just give up on my quest for love for a while and watch Glee, well, I am. Forget all this craziness. I'm in for Glee. That's the plan. Pathetic? No way. Do you know how nice it is to have a show that you flip on and everything, and I mean everything, doesn't even matter for an hour. I sing, I dance, I smile. I mean, smile from my gut and I am SO grateful. Since the very first episode I have been hooked. Yes, I realize the entire lot of Americans are pretty much on board with this but this show is such a feel good show. So, you know what, I'm so incredibly grateful to you Gleekers out there. 

I sincerely love. LOVE this show. I'm adding a link to the latest song that just made me smile because if life isn't about the tiny little pockets of smiles, I'm not sure what is. Aside from my little girl that makes me smile all through my own personal stuff, Glee is back. And that means so are the smiles, joy, topics that SHOULD be discussed, some truth, and a little dose of Sue Sylvester and Will Shuster. Ahh its good to be distracted....


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embrace the unexpected

post by dawn garcia | Labels: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

success without a person to share it with is like a face without a smile

 

“The most essential factor is persistence - the determination never to allow your energy or enthusiasm to be dampened by the discouragement that must inevitably come.”

 

the ultimate life lived is one where you can gray and weather and look back at the love you've given, the love you've shared, the people who have given you purpose. standing idle as time passes is not an option. opening your eyes and embracing everything is when that cadence of your heart begins to move again and somehow, in the melodic throws of possibility, we begin to live.  we can linger in moments of regret and dwell in the pools of disappointment or we can swim towards the glowing ocean of dreams and the continued realm of encouragement and belief in ourselves. to grow old knowing we have given love purely, we have fostered and nurtured the beauty and innocence of our children, we have lived each day moving towards a dream - that is when we can breathe. 


when I am old and my life is near its end (if I am able to live long enough to grow old) I want to look at my daughter and see the love we have shared. I want to know that I spent every moment of my life exploring the potential of goodness and beauty and that somehow I armed her with enough knowledge and faith in the impossible that she will be truly happy. that when I see her eyes I see hope and strength and know that her life is going to be rich with incredible joy and laughter, success and integrity, but above all - love. because at the end of the day what good are we if we do not love. love our children, love our friends, love our families, love another soul that might meet yours. 


life is far too unknown, in my opinion, to spend countless hours and days and years searching for what might happen when it's over. I'd much rather relish in what is and embrace every single opportunity, smile every chance I get, ignite passion, see cultures through untainted eyes, speak freely, accept others in this world who have truly beautiful hearts regardless of who they love or what they believe.


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