Showing posts with label lifestyle. Show all posts
Showing posts with label lifestyle. Show all posts
Dec 18, 2010

a 3 year-old and an ambulance.

post by dawn garcia | Labels: , , , , , , , , ,

First of all, forgive the run-on sentences, poor grammar, and possible chaos in this blog.

I know I said I was off but after an ambulance ride (by the way, nowhere near as cool as the ambulance scene in "About A Boy") and seeing my 3 year-old in traction, being surrounded by paramedics - well, I figured perhaps I had another blog left in me. Let me just say to anyone who ever doubts it, never underestimate how lucky you are to have someone beside you. Single parenting is by far one of the most challenging adventures of my life thus far but moreso because my heart is bigger than I ever imaged and she fills most of it up. This perfectly wonderful little one who makes everything extraordinary --- and knows precisely how to make me need to do relaxation breathing in those less than patient times. But today after a very hard fall in the Toy Story Mania 3D line, it was one of those moments. You see, in trauma, I tend to become eerily calm. It's like spooky zen. I don't have much to say (odd for me), I smile, I politely ask questions, I hold my baby's hand, hold her close, I breathe, and I just stay, well, calm. That's not to be confused with tranquil because THAT is not at all what's happening inside. Inside I'm a knot. I'm churning and wincing, and near vomit but I hide it all with an acceptable smile and a very mellow tone. I hold my baby's hand, I tell her a story, I remind her how brave she is, and then, once the ER doc tells us she's ok and I can take her home. I breathe. A little. And then I call her dad (ex-husband) to pick us up because my car is still at Disneyland. Good thing he and I are friendly.

So we get home, I pack her things because as it turns out this week is one of two she will get with just her dad this year. So they come here while I finish packing up her things, she plays like nothing has happened. I remind her that she needs to slow down or we'll end up back at the ER which now, because there were no "pokes" (i.e., shots), she actually thinks is kind of cool. Great. Now I need a new threat. Shoot! Anyway, she runs around, plays drums on every surface, all the while I'm packing up her favorite blankey and favorite "friend" and picking out the DVD's she'll take with her to daddy's. And then she hugs me tight and says, "ok mom, put me down" and she kisses me, reluctantly because in her mind, a week is 2 days, and off they go. Door closes. Churning increases, worry rears it's ugly head, and bottom lip starts quivering. Before you know it, I'm in fetal position on the bed sobbing because the thought of anything horrible or harmful happening to my little world *my child* is unbearable. Unbearable!

And then while I'm crying I realize my house is quiet. I can't call my family because they're pissed I didn't call 20 of them while in the ER, mad because a pic posted on Facebook, which in hindsight was probably stupid, but still. The realization that my family prefers to react in agitation or pointing out I didn't do something the "right" way sets in. Inside I'd like to tell them to piss off. But I just hit ignore and send a text saying, "maybe you can realize this wasn't about you and perhaps try a little something called understanding". This is when I realize how much it sucks to not have my mom. Granted she's been dead 20 years but sometimes, I think she was the only person blood related that understood me at all. Such is the life of a creative and intellectual person I think. Not to say they, my family, aren't smart, because they are, but they certainly aren't liberal in thought. In fact, and yes, here's where it explains some of my religious annoyance - my entire family (ok, wait, except Kev, you're in your own special sub-category) are right wing Christian Republicans and all of us have the issue of needing to be in control. (I know) However, we never agree agree on religion or politics and the scope of which we can talk about things is ever shrinking. Thankfully we talk of our children (and I am in love with my nieces and nephews) but in these moments, I'm not so sure we'll ever see eye to eye. Now let me clarify that I love my family and they have been there for me many times but last night I didn't need what happened. Of all nights, it just wasn't the night. I have to also say that while I complain about their views because to me, they are a little narrow minded, they have good hearts and I know they mean well, it just doesn't always turn out well. 

Anyway, my day was a little chaotic. Started out great, had a pretty intense drop, and now tomorrow I'm supposed to leave town to work on the one thing that will give us a better life, more opportunity, and give me some peace. I really need some peace. This is probably the most personal blog I'll post on here but sadly at this moment, it's easier talking to a blank blog post than those closest to me (family-wise I mean). I'm a big believer that we all screw up from time to time but today - today was NOT the day to vent to me about your issue with how I handled things. Because as a mom, I hate to say it, the only person that I HAVE to focus on and be concerned about is 3. And she's my baby and everyone else, like it or not, is secondary. It doesn't mean I don't care it just means you're not my first priority - or even my fifth. So, there it is. Do not make something that is happening within my little unit about you.

Ok. So now I wait as my little love sleeps at her dad's. I wait for the "check-in" texts to be sure that my baby has no signs of concussion or hematoma. No vomiting. No listlessness. No - anything on the 50 page handout they gave about things to do in the event of a head injury. And I cry here and there because that image of her in traction on a stiff blue board is haunting. Perhaps I should have prefaced this all with saying I am the ultimate mama bear. I will do anything for my little love. Anything. And yet this week, she's not with me and I have to trust her dad to take good care of her. When she's with me 80% of the time, that 20% is awfully quiet. And so I pack. Reluctantly. In hopes I can go on this trip. Because honestly, I feel like my limbs are cut off right now. A place to sit and think and write and be free sounds like heaven.

So that's the summation of my day and brief glimpse into my family tree (that appears to have some sort of strange bacteria festering on its branches). And now I go back to packing. Sadly I don't even know what I'm putting in the suitcase and yet somehow it's getting fuller. Amazing. Yes. I'm finally done. Off I go.

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Dec 15, 2010

in the name of Barney.

post by dawn garcia | Labels: , , , , , ,

“I believe in Michaelangelo, Velasquez, and Rembrandt; in the might of design, the mystery of color, the redemption of all things by BEAUTY everlasting, and the message of ART that has made these hands blessed. Amen. Amen.” 
                   - George Bernard Shaw
The beauty he speaks of only dwells in art. And artists.

You know when you wake up and you realize, holy shit! I got a second chance! I can breathe, I can open up the valves of my heart, the content of my brain, the fare within my soul and it will NOT be unappreciated. Well, I do. At least this morning. I don’t know how it happens that we all get lost in the chaos of life and the past, which, let’s face it - haunts most of us, but somehow there is redemption. But only if (and no, I’m not about to talk about god. Mainly because, well, I’m just not) if you’re willing to confront your demons and right wrongs and swallow your pride and willingly remove the foot from your mouth, an entirely enveloping world of beauty presents itself. I have been doing precisely that. Some people were hurt in the process but I was a huge red flag from the get-go. My heart cannot be swayed. It knows where it’s home is. There is a saying, “there is no greater sacrifice than love”. At least I think that’s what it was.

I also woke up this morning with this new excitement to finish this damn screenplay. I say damn, but in truth getting to write my first feature - AND it happens to be a passion project - is pretty damn great. (Damn. Again with that word. Still, better than others - though if I’m going to be honest my favorite curse word begins with f and ends with k. And I digress.) So back to the newfound excitement. My Christmas gift to myself is a completed 1st draft of my screenplay. I am at page 135 and while that sounds impressive, the daunting reality is I have to write another 75 and then cut it down to 150. Because aside from LOTR, most people will not sit through a movie longer than 2 and a half hours. My take, however, is at least you feel like your $12 or $50 (however much movie tickets are going to go for once it’s produced) was worth it. More bang for your buck so to speak.

Ok, so in addition to waking up all jovial and a true “woo” girl in the name of all things Barney Stinson, I also had an epiphany. What if - and go with me here - we just put all of the bigots, racists, narcissists (well, actually those guys are fun, we’ll keep them), pedophiles, gang members, murderers, and political morons on an island? Then, we place cameras everywhere and we watch it all unravel. Or TiVo because really, it will most likely run at 8p and it’s more fun to watch later and fast forward through marketing schemes. (And because I would probably start believing that the cows in California really do sing old Partridge Family tunes). Then, we see how quickly someone activates a nuke. I’m guessing it would certainly be shorter than the many seasons of LOST and hey, I’d totally watch. Down side, remnants of the nuke but it would be really far away and once the wildlife and sea creatures got wind of who occupied the island they’d flee faster than you can fu—- see? Already gone.

That’s all for now.

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Nov 11, 2010

the film world is an exceptional one.

post by dawn garcia | Labels: , , , , , , , ,

Life is so filled with adversity. We chase our tails. We search for what's real, what is tangible, what isn't lost in the realm of chaos and possibility. The thing is, we've all been kicked in the gut. We've all had rude awakenings. We've all had to reassess our own lives. I find it utterly intriguing to get sucked into the vortex of "acceptability" only to realize there's no real need. When you start working in the world of Entertainment - correction: in the Film, TV, and Fashion industries, you are taught one very valuable lesson. That lesson? NEVER stray too far from your circle of trusted people. Why? Because as you climb the ladder, you encounter more "crazy". More "takers". More people that just want to utilize your "connections". That's the real beauty of everything in life, isn't it? It is a very secret world: film. A world I am so happy in. A little family for 3 months that allows you to get lost in your own imagination. A family that understands the world you envision. A world that is plentiful in art and creativity, a world that exists for those who have the ability to call "bullshit" before it even enters the room. It's a gift. But I appreciate other artists. I appreciate those who are following their dreams. The ones who can see past the confining world around them and dare to dream. Dare to risk it all for a chance at something spectacular...

I have spent the last 16 years working with the very best in this Industry. I knew from the beginning I didn't want mediocre. I wanted "A" list or nothing. Why? Because what's the point in wasting your time with people you can't respect? Don't admire? Now let's be clear. "A" list is ideally the creme de la creme, but it is also the epitome of those who do not listen to the average bear say what is and what is not possible. The "A" lister is the dreamer among dreamers. The one that pushes through bankruptcy (Coppola), challenges creativity (Lucas), questions our existence (Spielberg), and dares to live in a beautiful world (Domingo). I'll never forget the 1st Academy event I went to. I met Pedro Almodóvar and I was an instant fan. The film being nominated: Woman on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown. A film that captures the true fragility of a woman; the vulnerability of a human being. It was one of those movies that allowed you to explore the realm of human emotion. He was gracious and kind and really endearing and in the end, my motivation was realized. If we have the fortunate opportunity to work in the Entertainment industry, we cannot waste our voice. We also cannot allow toxic people in. It's a very odd journey but one, as I have found out, allows you to realize your passions, expand on your dreams, and speak your mind = loudly and without censorship. 

I have learned a lot. This business has taught me a lot. Beware of what is not real and envelop what is. I have a track history with the "real" and the truly artistic. It is a welcome part of my life. I am grateful but I also know if it wasn't for who I am, I would never have experienced such exquisite perfection. Listen, if you are creative - truly creative, embrace that. Don't allow the outside world to interfere with your process. They will always try. Darkness will always attempt to envelop your sunshine but just remember what matters. I work in the Film world because I understand it. It is creative and real and full of diversity. I am at home with diversity. 16 years is a long time. I am beyond grateful for all I've been fortunate enough to be exposed to and know that the world on the rise - the career that is about to catapult is truly a gift. In addition, I have found - or rather accepted - my very own Mr. Big. An idea of someone. The culmination of all good things if you will. Not one man, but an ideal version of one. Hence, the name: Mr. Big and not something like, Sam. Sometimes life, love, career, possibility, dreams, hope, the processing of good and bad - it just happens. I cannot fathom a world without it.

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Nov 9, 2010

52 Random Acts of Kindness

post by dawn garcia | Labels: , , , , , , , , , ,

"Writing is my form of expression. The way I stand up for injustice, speak my mind, vent about heartache or hurt, ponder the possibilities, protect what is valuable, question those who believe tearing down another is even remotely ok. Writing is my loudest voice and I have to make it count." - Dawn Garcia

Much like the magic jumping beans I bought for my baby this weekend, things in life are random. Sometimes we're bouncing all over the place in chaos and sometimes we're calm and able to focus. So aside from the random ramble you're about to read, remember to follow through to the end and commit to doing random acts of kindness for the next 52 days. Enjoy the ride...

I am a writer. Some people can't understand it. Some people would never do it. Some people don't even think it's a job. However some realize the vein-ripping that takes place in order for a writer to write. I don't write about nothing. I write about experiences, the core of my soul. Sometimes its senseless, sometimes I call someone out, sometimes I bleed out loud. Either way, I don't write because I'm bored. I write because it allows me to dig deep and pull out everything that looms within me. We live in a world full of privilege and chaos, degradation and the human potential. Everything is an opportunity to grow, to learn, to fight. 

This weekend I went to escape life for a couple of days. I went far enough away. Far enough to laugh and be free and not worry about the peering eyes of others. It was lovely. It was lovely because  I didn't pretend to be someone I'm not. I was real and raw and happy and grumpy and honest and tired and I talked about life. The world. About injustices. About living. In the process, the universe gave me a weird sort of sign. One I still can't quite make sense of. My suite was situated across from a stadium. All of a sudden, I opened the door to the balcony and I stood there listening. It was - of course - John Legend. Performing. Let me preface this with saying I bought a single ticket to see him back in September and I wanted to go alone.I wanted to "run in" to my ex. I knew he was going too. Instead we ended up (we, being my ex and me) going together. We went. It was not at all the beautiful evening it should have been. We had an argument about something trivial and I bottled up and I basically "left the building". Emotionally, anyway.  We went to dinner and it was not fun. We ate in silence because my "hope" bit me. Again. I hadn't even noticed the parking lot signs that read things like  "Get Out of Your Own Way". Back to the concert hall. I was already checked out and was so hesitant to give up my single seat. I handed my ticket to the girl with such reluctance. I should have just gone ahead and done what I knew I needed to - go alone. Instead we watched this concert in uncomfortable air and I felt like secretly my heart was flopping violently under his feet. It tends to seem worse when your emotions take hold. I longed to watch John Legend unobstructed and without pain. Alone. Like planned. And what happened? I got my second chance. Months later, here I am at this random and fun hotel and who is playing a concert across the street? Why of course, none other than Mr. John Legend. A chance to experience this music just sifting through the air and into my ears. And it was fun. And I was out there alone, on that balcony, so happy. The way I was supposed to do it originally. Two days later, John Legend is on the news. Speaking about social injustice, people not being valued. It was no mistake. 

I saw him again today on CNN, John Legend. A piece about his goal to bring education - quality education - to under served communities, particularly African Americans. He uses his voice to speak loudly. To bring up topics some find taboo or politically incorrect. He's often ignored or put down by those who think he's just another celebrity speaking out of turn. And yet, I believe he is a well-spoken "celebrity" with a conscience. He's joined forces with Western Union to encourage others to do something kind. A celebrity with a voice worth hearing. Much like Matt Damon. My point is, I use my voice, and my goal is to become wealthy as a result. Why? Because if I can earn a very high standard of living by way of income, I can help those I know. I can pay someone's mortgage or help a village in Africa or help a family get back on their feet or pay for someone's education. There are countless things that can be done. In the process, I can encourage others who feel totally confined or oppressed to speak their mind. I don't mean just be a venting pool of verbal diarrhea though. Speak with intellect. Speak with purpose. Don't speak out of hate or anger, speak out of love and hope and conviction and respect. 

I have a lot to do in this lifetime: A healthy, beautiful, phenomenal child I get to love and raise every day; A chance to figure out who I am and not be afraid to embrace the strength inside of me; Discover the past and why it has haunted me for so long; Let go of the one person that did more damage in one year than did the 35 years of trauma; Use my voice to do something of value - to expose injustice and bring awareness; Connect with artists and join together to bring more hope and beauty and truth and some sense of unity to a world that continues to hide beneath the sharp edges of hate and bigotry; Experience love in a way I didn't think was possible for me; Have a second chance to do things over. 

I don't take for granted the things that come easily to me, like writing. I don't take for granted my fearlessness to go after what I want in life, because hearing "no" pales in comparison to what I've already experienced. I don't take for granted the truly extraordinary people that cross my paths, nor do I linger on those that are just "takers". I don't take for granted the beautiful artists I continue to meet who teach me how limitless subjectivity can be or how art and expression can and will heal this world. I don't take for granted the purpose of religion and the way it heals so many or offers solace in a world fraught with distraction, but I also don't believe any one is totally right: we are victims of circumstance and products of our environment, it's up to us how we utilize that.  I don't take life's lessons for granted because I know now that I am always going to thrive when shoved into survival mode. I will make the best of a situation. I also don't take for granted the fear that has found it's way to me, because while I am not a person who is generally afraid, I have to confront the fears I have in order to find the tools that may help someone else push through theirs. 

Life is important. Wasting yours being mean or bitter or critical without merit is a total waste of your time. So starting today, I would like to ask every single one of you to do a random act of kindness until the end of the year. Smile at someone. Leave a good tip. Tell someone you're sorry (and mean it). Vow to be a better partner. Vow to love. Love without judgment. Something. Go buy a cup of coffee for the person who answers your phones. Just make a choice to be kind and do something selfless every single day for the next 52 days. 

I'd love to hear what you've done so please email me at info@dawngarcia.com with your random acts of kindness. 

And now for a little Legend...

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Nov 5, 2010

3 things. And a jam session.

post by dawn garcia | Labels: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Three things:

1) Follow the blog. And Follow me on Twitter (writeslave)
2) Sometimes you just need to get away and so, secret weekend getaway, I'm almost there. (And say it with me: "Sometimes, tequila and sunshine just seem right" --- my brain needs a regroup)
3) This one goes out to all the ladies --- and you fellas out there who need a little jam session:


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Nov 3, 2010

Seek truth, endure suffering.

post by dawn garcia | Labels: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

“If you limit your choices only to what seems possible or reasonable, you disconnect yourself from what you truly want, and all that is left is compromise.”


My PDC just sent this to me. It is absolutely essential to where I am at right now. I took a few hours off of writing to be a mom and before getting back to writing tonight, wanted to re-post this (for those keeping track, I'm at 150pgs). Just remember how important and powerful choice is. It can affect love, disdain, everything. Much like "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind", it is possible to erase a memory or at least change your emotional reaction to a situation or a trauma. I am going the Spotless Mind route: light therapy to erase, or rather shift, a recent relationship in order to move forward. One valuable lesson I'm learning is to be very careful who you befriend or allow in your life. When you're on the road to success, people will come in and try to knock you off course. Be stronger than that, stronger than them. In the end the real friends, the really valuable people in your life will be there and when you can't always spend time together, it never changes the core of your relationship. Real is real. Period. 

While this post is more Eastern Philosophy, it applies to success, to people, to art. All of my artist friends know exactly what this means. It seems in order to be a real artist, one must endure a tremendous amount of suffering. I always remember the torment Einstein endured. The fact that Walt Disney was fired twice for "lacking creativity and imagination". People, the people who cannot fathom you will do exactly what you dream, will try and tear you down and tell you "you can't". Who cares what they say! They are miserable, unhappy people who tear you down because they 1)lack imagination, 2) are too self-absorbed to imagine you'll do what they can never achieve, 3) live in a gossip, insane bubble that allows them to "try" and judge you, put you down because they clearly haven't the gull or intellect or will to do what you are doing. Nay-sayers exist for the sole purpose to prove them wrong. They are not the exception. YOU ARE. Artists, you know who you are, remember the things others have endured and you will know you are on the right path. The more people tell you, "you can't" the more you should know, "you will".  Jealousy rears its head at every turn. Mediocrity is not the artist's "M.O." - determination, endurance, and the mere knowledge that they will - and can - achieve something miraculous is why we do what we do in the first place.

The Four Noble Truths
1. Life means suffering.
2. The origin of suffering is attachment.
3. The cessation of suffering is attainable.
4. The path to the cessation of suffering.

1. Life means suffering.
To live means to suffer, because the human nature is not perfect and neither is the world we live in. During our lifetime, we inevitably have to endure physical suffering such as pain, sickness, injury, tiredness, old age, and eventually death; and we have to endure psychological suffering like sadness, fear, frustration, disappointment, and depression. Although there are different degrees of suffering and there are also positive experiences in life that we perceive as the opposite of suffering, such as ease, comfort and happiness, life in its totality is imperfect and incomplete, because our world is subject to impermanence. This means we are never able to keep permanently what we strive for, and just as happy moments pass by, we ourselves and our loved ones will pass away one day, too.

2. The origin of suffering is attachment.
The origin of suffering is attachment to transient things and the ignorance thereof. Transient things do not only include the physical objects that surround us, but also ideas, and -in a greater sense- all objects of our perception. Ignorance is the lack of understanding of how our mind is attached to impermanent things. The reasons for suffering are desire, passion, ardour, pursuit of wealth and prestige, striving for fame and popularity, or in short: craving and clinging. Because the objects of our attachment are transient, their loss is inevitable, thus suffering will necessarily follow. Objects of attachment also include the idea of a "self" which is a delusion, because there is no abiding self. What we call "self" is just an imagined entity, and we are merely a part of the ceaseless becoming of the universe.

3. The cessation of suffering is attainable.
The cessation of suffering can be attained through nirodha. Nirodha means the unmaking of sensual craving and conceptual attachment. The third noble truth expresses the idea that suffering can be ended by attaining dispassion. Nirodha extinguishes all forms of clinging and attachment. This means that suffering can be overcome through human activity, simply by removing the cause of suffering. Attaining and perfecting dispassion is a process of many levels that ultimately results in the state of Nirvana. Nirvana means freedom from all worries, troubles, complexes, fabrications and ideas. Nirvana is not comprehensible for those who have not attained it.

4. The path to the cessation of suffering.
There is a path to the end of suffering - a gradual path of self-improvement, which is described more detailed in the Eightfold Path. It is the middle way between the two extremes of excessive self-indulgence (hedonism) and excessive self-mortification (asceticism); and it leads to the end of the cycle of rebirth. The latter quality discerns it from other paths which are merely "wandering on the wheel of becoming", because these do not have a final object. The path to the end of suffering can extend over many lifetimes, throughout which every individual rebirth is subject to karmic conditioning. Craving, ignorance, delusions, and its effects will disappear gradually, as progress is made on the path.

For more on this: http://www.thebigview.com/buddhism/fourtruths.html

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Oct 29, 2010

120 pgs - done.

post by dawn garcia | Labels: , , , , , , , , , , ,

“Take up one idea. Make that one idea your life - think of it, dream of it, live on that idea. Let the brain, muscles, nerves, every part of your body, be full of that idea, and just leave every other idea alone. This is the way to success, that is the way great spiritual giants are produced.” - Swami Vivekananda


120 pages are completed and 80 more to go. I then have to trash 50 and edit 150. 

A labor of love. This adaptation has kept me on my toes, taught me about myself, reminded me of the world, and haunted me in a way that has forced me to realize what does and does not matter in this life. 

While writing I have experienced some major "life events" and am learning a tremendous amount. Part of which was learning that the previous relationship I was in, I was in because I loved deeply and wholly. I managed to hang on to the small pockets of goodness or, as I have been educated, the "island love". The kind of love that, in isolation and away from the world, was beautiful but when it became real, rather than helpless, became too much to endure. I was beginning to feel regret about going back a final time but now understand that I went back because I saw glimpses of beauty, tenderness, wonderful love. Unfortunately, those glimpses were simply that and it would not ever be sustainable. While I had hoped for something different, a partnership of the ages, it just wasn't going to happen. My love affair paralleled that of Dorian and Sibyl (two characters in the adaptation). Beautiful and seemingly pure but tainted by illusion and a lack of information. I loved. It ended emotional and recklessly. But it ended. As will this screenplay - only the screenplay will bring life into an entirely new breed of love and vanity and longing and misconception. It's a tale that will remind all of us to be careful what we wish for...

I will not be posting at all this coming week while I finish this screenplay so for those of you that watch closely, thank you for following me, thank you for hearing the meaning behind the words, and for being incredibly supportive.

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Oct 28, 2010

Healthcare Companies: the bullets.

post by dawn garcia | Labels: , , , , , , , , , , ,

So while I tend to talk a lot about emotion and "feelings" and our own personal betterment, I would like to take a moment to complain and make personal attacks against our friggin' government. In a world that seems to be belly-up, it seems the economy in this country is right on board. The job market, the housing market, the continual demise brought on by health insurance companies. Health insurance companies just raping individuals with more increased rates, less plan options, more fine print. Better hope to god you don't have to go to the doctor for anything! Like me. Unfortunately, my uterus is crowded with cysts and fibroids and signs of potential cancerous cells and I can't even go to my OB with confidence. Amidst my own personal growth and emotional stagger, I still believed pretty heavily in my health plan. Until I realized what a complete crock individual plans are. (This is a moment where being married was almost worth it just to have better health insurance. I could go to the doctor whenever I wanted, there were few rules - sheesh, and I once complained about having to spend money covering 20% of out-of-network visits. Ahh, now that seems like a dream come true.) So how to resolve this. Write. My next step is to get signed by WME2, which I'm working tediously towards, get that picture deal, work on the 2nd screenplay-for-hire, and go through the WGA for medical insurance. At least it's better than the crap I have now! And I have great individual insurance. Well, great considering there are NO other tangible options!

I am in so much pain, seriously feverish, knowing my body well enough to know something is very wrong but I cannot even fathom flippin' the medical insurance bill. It's insane. $4000 a year for what. Seriously. What the hell are you doing with my money, especially when you consider my deductibles, having no pre-existing condition, etc. At least my child is covered under her dad's health plan. One small miracle in the midst of the medical woes. I wonder when someone is going to force a change. Sure as hell ain't going to be Obama! Not that vagina-Palin will give two sh**ts either. I'd like a party reform. One that remembers who it governs ... human beings. And, uh, we're kind of fed up with the direction of leadership. No viable candidates, no viable options in terms of alternative health care. What the hell do we do? 

Oh yes, that's right. I pay my $1000 deductible, I pay the 25% of the negotiated rate AFTER my $50 co-pay and I go home and hope to god I don't have cancer because f----. Then I'd just pull a "Big C" and opt out of not doing it. I wouldn't go through with treatment because I really don't want to bankrupt my daughter so I can have healthcare! So here's to hoping I'm perfectly fine and just being financially raped by the bastards running the Healthcare monopoly. 

*Disclaimer: Yes, I'm aware my issue pales in comparison to most. My mother died due to malpractice 20 years ago. My niece died of Leukemia. I know some people have no medical care at all. I'm not discounting anything or saying my situation is worse. Just admitting it sucks.
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Oct 13, 2010

joie de vivre

post by dawn garcia | Labels: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

"I have found that a spark of joy, a reminder that no matter how much it hurts, you're capable of better, can change your world. Truth is, some things aren't meant to work. Try a new approach to living, to loving, to enjoying --- THAT is evolution. I like evolution. Choice. I choose to be happy. And it IS a choice. Stop thinking things happen "TO" you and realize life is giving you a chance to do better. Embrace that." - Dawn Garcia


Before you get too involved in this post - I am speaking my mind. Which means I am not keeping my heartache a secret. Sort of the way writers do things. They open up. They expose themselves and while some will hear the "he", I hope they actually have the know-how to realize this is about MY healing. Not about the person who played the part. He is a good man. We are simply a bad match. We are VERY different. Regardless of my venting, I am not speaking ill of him. He is a lovely person. The way we are together is bad, but that is the way we are TOGETHER. Not who he is on his own because he is a good friend (well, when we were friends) and a great entrepreneur and don't ever misunderstand my venting as anything else. This is the forum to speak my mind. If I didn't love him, I wouldn't be hurt. I did and I do and regardless of how careless we have both been, I am merely speaking about the hurt of a relationship that was bad. If you know "him" who will now only be referred to as Big Bird, try to remember this is not about him. This is about my journey as a person, a writer, a human being, a woman. I'm trying to figure my s*** out and if you have a hard time with that, I'm sorry. My relationship hurt my soul. Our differences are simply that. Again, have the "know-how" to understand that. I am a writer. Not a ballerina.

This was my Facebook status today. Why? Because I have realized that there were times in my life where I thought things happened "to" me and while certainly things do happen that you have no control over, nothing happens "to" you. It happens around you. There is no point playing the martyr or acting like you're the victim. That's the most ridiculous route to take but like everyone, I have definitely fallen into that. I almost did it this time. I allowed myself to get back into a relationship I had no business being in (primarily because I should have taken time to heal after my divorce, but it seemed like the right person and sometimes things happen) and rather than admitting it wasn't the right time, I gave into emotions and feelings and want and lost a friend of 8 years. A relationship that only ever should have been friendly. We crossed the line and forced something to "work" when the universe was giving us every sign to not go forward. We didn't listen. I didn't listen. I have never experienced anything quite like it in that the highs were high and the lows were SO low. We brought out the best and the worst in one another which led to catastrophe. 

Personality wise, we were different. I've never had such a polarized difference with someone. Some things that were in common were absolutely wonderful, specifically our love of film and experience in that world. Our views on art were pretty similar and interesting. Our views on people, definitely different. My one "fault" (though I don't really see it as a fault) is that I tend to want to see the best in everyone. I look deeper to see their potential. That can be very frustrating when you see how good or capable someone is but know they will never take the steps to realize that. It also makes it hurt a lot deeper when they disappoint you or you find out they aren't the people you thought. That happens often but I choose to still see the beauty in people. I don't care if I'm disappointed because one day, my faith in their potential will give at least one person the courage to be their best. Big Bird was more of a realist. And when people hurt him, he cut them off and moves on rather than do what I do and get caught up in the emotional hurt of it. Right or wrong, that works for him. It's probably smart. Sometimes, this caused conflict. Between us. But everyone has to do what is best for them. I cannot argue with it or claim my way is better because my way works for me. For my personality. For my life. Big Bird's way works for him.

I suppose where we differed most is how we perceived what was respectful and what was not. We also BOTH made a tremendous amount of assumptions. Of which were all pretty much wrong. Hence why this particular relationship would always be doomed to fail. No matter how much we knew better, we listened to emotions. We also let others influence way too much in our situation. When you let everyone else get involved and state their opinions, you set yourself up for failure. Unless, of course, you have the uncanny ability to speak up for the other person and know that everyone else's opinion is simply that. I stopped listening after a while to others because until you're in the situation, you can't really judge the whole thing. His perspective was different. Not bad, just the way he chose. Either way, looking back it wasn't wrong, just the universe saying, "hey, time to let go" and so now, after the series of strange emotions and really having some reflection, I let go. 

I want him to be happy. I want to be happy. But happiness is a choice, not some magical fairyland waiting for us to discover. I once made a choice during one of our "breakups" to just be happy and it was really extraordinary. Making that choice. So I'm back at it, though this time I've promised myself I won't forget about making that choice every day. This entire year and a half I had no business dating at all. (Even though I found glimpses of beauty in the midst) I had a lot of healing to do and I should have done it. BUT you stop listening to that voice inside. You start wanting everything you've been without. You start pretending someone else is capable of feeding that part of you. You convince yourself that they are "the one" when in truth, when you're that broken, that in need of healing, no one can be the one. It's a process of healing that needs to happen. I guess that's why this time it is easier to walk away. I've cried and I'm sure I will continue to cry. Mostly because my friend is gone. Mostly because I gave parts of my soul I had never given before. Mostly because while we were both often very good to one another, we were both absolutely horrible to each other as well. Both of us allowed so much to happen. Too much. We weren't emotionally mature enough to know space was the answer all along. Time. Time that would prove the theory we were not a match. We were always friends. Always better at that. 

But hindsight's a bitch, isn't it? And so, that's the gist of it. A tale of love and friendship that ended abruptly and painfully and honestly, as it was bound to. The ending part anyway. I have been SO fortunate to know a lot of couples, married and otherwise, that are happy. They aren't perfect but they commit to making it work even when it's really difficult. Why? Because that's what being in a relationship is supposed to be. BUT we are HUMAN. We vary in emotion. Right or wrong, we've all said stuff we shouldn't have. BUT these couples, these wonderful and beautiful friends and family of mine, show me the example of how much love can conquer everything. No one should ever push you to such a place you feel completely attacked. THAT is not the right relationship and that's where we were. A place I will never go back to. He and I pushed each other's buttons in the worse possible way. We knew it was happening but we failed to stop it. It's the simple dynamics between two people. Love is and will always be beautiful but if you don't push through the hardest times and really learn to trust and respect one another, it will never - EVER - work. 

So now I want to say that the people I know who are like me: creative, feisty, hard-headed, stubborn, defensive --- well, there is someone out there that will love us for that. Be willing to evolve though. Be willing to face your faults. Be willing to see the simple joy in everything. In spite of yourself. I know people who are like that. I know artist's who, because of the natural tendency to do so, forget that beauty is all we are, the sole reason we create, and we remind one another to hang on to that at any cost. I know friends that are loved BECAUSE of that. I have seen the "fighting", but not the horrid and mean, berating fighting. Fighting for love. Fighting even if the person was with someone else. Love never gives up. It just doesn't. And in the end, love prevails. So the point in all of this is make a choice to be happy. Don't wait on someone else to give that to you. Don't count on their sunshine to transfer to you. If you make the choice to be happy, you WILL be happy and then all of that goodness will attract more goodness. I have seen it, I know it to be true, and I know it's real. He and I are not bad people, just the wrong people for one another. Together we were like fire and ice. Hot and cold and the two temperatures never made it to "warm". 

Ok, that's all I suppose. This is about reflection. I like knowing life is not done with me. Not even close. I like knowing love isn't done with me either. Love is not some far off idea. It is real but searching for it or making it happen isn't the way it takes hold of you. It has to find you. It has to be the right time, the right person, the natural progression of things. Forcing it only means you forced it. Therefore, by definition, is not love. I choose to embrace the love I have with my daughter, my friends, my family. I have always been incredibly lucky to be surrounded by love and goodness and part of that is because, unless I'm in the hell I allowed myself to go to, I project the same love and goodness too. It's what you put out there people. You put out good, you get good. Period. and as my wonderful friend David reminded me, Joie de Vivre! Joie de Vivre!!!

For the sheer joy of living... 
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Oct 9, 2010

stop functioning and start living...

post by dawn garcia | Labels: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

A writer doesn't write to spew out a bunch of words. A writer cuts open their veins and lets the blood drip as we type. We expose the only thing we have. Everything. 
- Dawn Garcia

"The Big C"

I watch that new Showtime show, "The Big C" and for anyone who hasn't watched it, please do so immediately. Not only is it a superb cast and incredibly well written, the premise is profound. Often times we wait to live. We wait for things to be perfect, for everything to be just right, to have enough money, to have the right car, to have the right job, etc. The thing is, we do that with the promise that tomorrow we're going to wake up and have another day. A fresh start. A do-over if you will. But what if we don't? What if you find out you're terminal and have a year and half to live? What if you're a parent and you know you won't get to be there to see your children grow up? To fall in love. To hold them when they have their first heartbreak. What if you never have a chance to say I love you or I'm sorry? What if you never have a chance to make love on a beach. Or laugh for no reason? Enjoy the moments you do have and get rid of the ones that aren't good or healthy for you. Everything in life is a choice. Sometimes we make good choices, sometimes we don't but what's more important is how to react to the choices we make. Don't you want to start living life the way you hope is amazing? 

I know we can't just be totally reckless - I guess technically we can but we show some restraint and sense of responsibility - but we should all be living life just a little bit more. Stop waiting to go on that trip or to buy that pair of jeans or taste that food or drink that bottle of wine. Just live. Life is unexpected and it's so much nicer when you let go a little and smile. I know that I'm going to start living a lot more. I'm going to finish this screenplay. I'm going to go to Fira. I'm going to sit on the beach and swim in the ocean naked. I'm going to embrace my body. I'm going to laugh with my baby girl so much our tummy's hurt. I'm going to make better choices. I'm going to stop being an emotional reactor. I'm going to talk about how I feel and know that sometimes that means I'm going to say what you don't want to hear. I'm going to wear that dress. I'm going to sip a latte in Verona. I'm going to stop ignoring my gut instinct. I'm going to ride in that gondola and drink wine with my girlfriend and laugh because we need a break from life. I am going to go to that place in Bora Bora and soak up the sun. I am going to stop blaming myself for everything. I am going to stop listening to negativity. I am going to dance without music. I am going to have the love I dream of. I am going to climb that tree. I am going to learn how to golf - even if I suck. I could go on and on. I have a lot to be grateful for and a lot to enjoy so off I go...

What are you going to do?


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VideoBlog# 3

post by dawn garcia | Labels: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

(I initially got this quote wrong in the live version - chalk it up to exhaustion...)

It takes a lot of strength to love but there is a quote I believe is the only way it can work: "If you can't love me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best." - Marilyn Monroe.


When it's real, you never run away. You never walk away. You never turn your back. You stay and that is often the hardest thing to do. You see, when you have a good heart and when you're real, when you're actually legit, you don't listen to the ones who don't know. So anyway, here's VideoBlog #3 Parts 1 and 2 (and for comments, please email me at info@dawngarcia.com):

Part1:

Part 2:



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Oct 3, 2010

eternal sunshine of my spotless mind

post by dawn garcia | Labels: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

(To the one who was hurt by my openness and honesty in the blog below, I'm sorry. In the end though, it seems this time, the timing just wasn't right. I hope some day we'll get it right...)

I want to believe that today is a new day and while every obvious element lends to that theory, somehow it feels a lot like a day I've experienced too many times before. Back up against the wall. It's time I see what is actually happening before me. Sometimes we see what we want to see not what is actually there. My heart has a mind of its own. It's often misleading and while it is beautiful, I think it is going to need a much better compass. Guess it's all about pointing in two directions: daughter and career. I foolishly added another arrow and fell really deep into its direction. It's no fun always being a secret. Always being in limbo. Sometimes you need clarification. So now we're back to two. Always two. 

*I made a mistake. - I wrote this and never even gave the 3rd person a 2nd chance or a chance to explain. Emotion can be beautiful but acting on emotion can ruin something beautiful. Take your time, think before you speak. That's going to be my biggest lesson.

Lines from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind:

Joel: I can't see anything that I don't like about you.
Clementine: But you will! But you will. You know, you will think of things. And I'll get bored with you and feel trapped because that's what happens with me.
Joel: Okay.
Clementine: [pauses] Okay. 

A beautiful version of Sia's "Breathe Me" set to Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

The lyrics to this song below is my heart.  Enjoy the music. It's exquisite:


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Oct 2, 2010

trust me, we think the same thing.

post by dawn garcia | Labels: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Sometimes people look at mom's who have that "holy hell, get me a drink and get me one fast" look and think those moms are crazy. Mind you they didn't just have the swinging roller coaster of emotion that you just did as you're 3 year-old "tween-in-training" gives you kisses and hugs you and tells you how much she loves you only to turn into the closest thing related to the exorcist because you said "no" and she kicks and screams and tells you you're a horrible mom, mean, and wishes you would just disappear forever. Forever! How. dare. you. The truth is, we wonder what's going on too, but then after the enormous and strangely hysterical tantrum our child just threw, we want to hug and squeeze them (and yes, sometimes imagine we were Samantha from "Bewitched" so we could just freeze time, drink a bottle of wine, do a yoga routine to center our "inner self", and get in a two-hour nap).
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what. love. can. mean.

post by dawn garcia | Labels: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

“Every man is afraid of something. That's how you know he's in love with you; when he is afraid of losing you.”

 

Nothing in life seems more soaring and more painful than love. The very emotion that cannot be explained away by science or religion is the one emotion that gives all of us that insatiable appetite to feel it. It is the reason we breathe and hope and dream and the thing that can also tear us down and break us. I've been in love, I have loved, I do love, I have been traumatized by love, I have been rejuvenated by love. I have been tormented by loved and saved by love. I have experienced love not merely romantic, but parental, innate, encouraging... I thought I knew what love really was until I became a mother. All of a sudden love takes a turn. It becomes raw and fragile, hopeful and enslaving. It makes you go so deep inside of yourself and it cannot be contained. I see my child and I see love. Pure, whole, untainted, unbiased, and beautiful. 

 

And then I think of that "other half" love. The kind I once believed in. The kind I thought could break through any wall and I realized I'm wrong. It may exist but perhaps I've been too battered to even allow it. Maybe the truth is I will go through life alone - not without love but without a mate. A partner. I will not place that burden on anyone. Perhaps I ask too much. Perhaps I am unwilling to see that maybe I am so strong and expect so much, love is not possible. I know everyone carries a burden but really? Why does this have to be mine? Why so much suffering? I just can't understand.

 

It can be exhausting to wait. To want. To hope. But if we do nothing and give up, we end up with nothing. I face the failure of loving head on because maybe one day, I'll get it right. Maybe one day, there will be another half. And if not, I will find a way to make myself whole and hope a bit harder.



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Sep 22, 2010

damn if I don't LOVE Glee...

post by dawn garcia | Labels: , , , , , , , ,

Goddamn I love Glee. Yes. Love. If I could just give up on my quest for love for a while and watch Glee, well, I am. Forget all this craziness. I'm in for Glee. That's the plan. Pathetic? No way. Do you know how nice it is to have a show that you flip on and everything, and I mean everything, doesn't even matter for an hour. I sing, I dance, I smile. I mean, smile from my gut and I am SO grateful. Since the very first episode I have been hooked. Yes, I realize the entire lot of Americans are pretty much on board with this but this show is such a feel good show. So, you know what, I'm so incredibly grateful to you Gleekers out there. 

I sincerely love. LOVE this show. I'm adding a link to the latest song that just made me smile because if life isn't about the tiny little pockets of smiles, I'm not sure what is. Aside from my little girl that makes me smile all through my own personal stuff, Glee is back. And that means so are the smiles, joy, topics that SHOULD be discussed, some truth, and a little dose of Sue Sylvester and Will Shuster. Ahh its good to be distracted....


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embrace the unexpected

post by dawn garcia | Labels: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

success without a person to share it with is like a face without a smile

 

“The most essential factor is persistence - the determination never to allow your energy or enthusiasm to be dampened by the discouragement that must inevitably come.”

 

the ultimate life lived is one where you can gray and weather and look back at the love you've given, the love you've shared, the people who have given you purpose. standing idle as time passes is not an option. opening your eyes and embracing everything is when that cadence of your heart begins to move again and somehow, in the melodic throws of possibility, we begin to live.  we can linger in moments of regret and dwell in the pools of disappointment or we can swim towards the glowing ocean of dreams and the continued realm of encouragement and belief in ourselves. to grow old knowing we have given love purely, we have fostered and nurtured the beauty and innocence of our children, we have lived each day moving towards a dream - that is when we can breathe. 


when I am old and my life is near its end (if I am able to live long enough to grow old) I want to look at my daughter and see the love we have shared. I want to know that I spent every moment of my life exploring the potential of goodness and beauty and that somehow I armed her with enough knowledge and faith in the impossible that she will be truly happy. that when I see her eyes I see hope and strength and know that her life is going to be rich with incredible joy and laughter, success and integrity, but above all - love. because at the end of the day what good are we if we do not love. love our children, love our friends, love our families, love another soul that might meet yours. 


life is far too unknown, in my opinion, to spend countless hours and days and years searching for what might happen when it's over. I'd much rather relish in what is and embrace every single opportunity, smile every chance I get, ignite passion, see cultures through untainted eyes, speak freely, accept others in this world who have truly beautiful hearts regardless of who they love or what they believe.


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Sep 21, 2010

never give up, never surrender...

post by dawn garcia | Labels: , , , , , , , , , ,

We fight a long time to claim our identities. Sometimes serious evolution happens within us because something like divorce happens where you finally have the courage to say, "I want more" out loud. Only your statement is heard in volumes far louder than expected and why? Because you finally say screw it! You follow your dreams. You realize you are capable of anything. Nothing left to lose and when you look at your daughter and see that joy in her eyes because you're her mom --- the fight to succeed is well worth it. I won't be the mother that neglects my child while I pound the pavement because in truth, she's the reason I will succeed. She's the reason I wake up with a smile every single day. She's the reason I close my eyes at night and dream. SHE is why finally doing what I have always wanted is possible. No point in sitting on the sidelines watching everyone takes life by the balls. No, not me. I'm going to be the one holding the reigns. Yep. Me. Hold on because here I come...
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