random spout

Writing from the heart often is the only way. However, often times --- your heart gets in the way of your head and you tend to say way too much. So let's call this blog a retraction of sorts. And an apology. Let's begin:

Hi everyone. So these last couple of months have been, well, a bit daunting. I have experienced more highs and lows than ever. I wrote a lot of blogs out of frustration and anger and well, out of hurt. Some of them have been really healing to write and some have just been a little too personal. While most of you had no idea who I was writing about, some of you do and I have to say I am sorry and I've been very wrong. Often times it is so much easier to look at the "faults" of others or talk about things we believe happened (again, this is going to touch on the notion of assumption) because we don't want to look within ourselves. Nothing is one-sided. Nothing. SO, I'm actually removing a few of those blogs because I shouldn't have posted them to begin with. They could be hurtful and I never want to be the one inflicting that. (Chalk that up to being a woman AND a writer.) Some, the ones that helped so many of you, I'll keep but here's the thing: when your heart is hurt and your emotions are raw, you tend to see things through very obscured eyes. Not fun.

So here is where I'm at now: I have learned SO much about life and love over these past 36 years. There is nothing more valuable than valuing yourself. There is also something to say about respect and treating everyone with it. I have made a lot of assumptions in my life and that, as my dad would remind me: To Assume makes an "ass out of U and me".  There is some truth to that. Assuming (for a girl with a very elaborate imagination) can lead to great story-telling but can also lead to unnecessary hurt. And so today I just want to say I'm sorry. And hurt is something I never want to be responsible for. It doesn't mean it won't happen but this time, at this stage in my life, I'm focusing on me. I'm going to say I'm sorry and recognize when I have been wrong. I have been wrong on a number of occasions. I know - crazy! But yes, I can be wrong.

So, in the midst of being able to admit my faults, I'm focusing on my future, my baby's future and that is all I can do. In the end I will have all the clarity I need so that I can finally embrace the love I hope for and give the love I need. 

So that's all for now. I have SO much to write about but I'm juggling a lot today so this is all I have for now. Embrace your "beautiful mess" - its perfectly flawed and it's wonderful.

I will add that when you create, when you look deep within yourself, you know what matters most is being true to yourself. I have ignored that for a very long while and this time, I am going to be true to --- me.