It's not easy being the woman who is divorced. Often questioning how others see you, especially when they see you're a single mom and they naturally let out a sigh that seems more patronizing than comforting. It's not easy being a single parent. It's not easy doing a lot of things but then, if it was, what would be the point? Do I miss being married? Sometimes. The familiarity, the ease, the dependability - but unfortunately two people can differ tremendously and decisions are made and divorce results. Do I want to be in love and married again? I used to say adamantly "no" but in truth, I don't think it would be so terrible. The thing is, it's hard these days. Hard because everyone seems to be in search of perfection. I'm not searching for perfect; I'm just searching for the right fit. The one that actually gets me AND tolerates me AND accepts me and the one I actually feel those things for as well. It's hard because for me, I'm outgoing and super social and in the same breath, I revel in time alone. I like the feeling of being "away" because then I come back with such a renewed sense of life. I have new opinions, better stories, and an excited perspective on living, and it only solidifies who I am becoming. Above all, this entire process just makes me see the importance of dreaming and achieving. A long time ago, I said that my greatest accomplishment would be my children and I absolutely stand by that. My daughter gives my life purpose. It's not selfish success or a sense of achievement so others respect me - it's so SHE respects me and knows that whatever she wants or dreams in life is absolutely possible. NOTHING is impossible and while at least 75% of you chose the path of least resistance, the path that is "normal" - college, steady job, 401k, 529's, the house, the car, etc, not everyone follows that. I, for one, am a dreamer. Always have been.
I don't apologize for it because I don't believe everyone should follow the same path. If not for people like me, there would not be museums filled with art or films or books or movements. We wouldn't have a beautiful sense of escape. I am almost 36 years-old and for once in my life I finally feel like my arms are stretched out and I am finally living the life closest to what I wanted. I may not have a relationship or a beautiful degree or a lot of things deemed "acceptable" in society but I have talent and I have possibility, I have a gift, and I have this perfect little person I get to love every single day without any restrictions. She can say anything to me and I will not stop loving her and I don't judge her or feel "held back" by her. Quite the contrary. I feel like she is the entire purpose of my existence. She pushes me to be a better writer. To write things of substance. She gives me the courage to walk up to JJ Abrams and tell him he needs my writing. To call an old friend and finally feel worthy of asking for direction and career stability.
So do I want that Oscar? Yes. Do I want a Pulitzer? Yes. Do I want to travel the world and have small houses around the globe? Yes. Will I? Some day. Do I want to have someone to share that with until I'm old and useless? Yes. So yah, I do want to have the real, sustaining, beautiful, passionate, funny, witty, intelligent, evolved love that does not turn its back on me at the first sign of danger. Of course I do. Will I have it? No idea. Will I ever give up hope of having it? Absolutely not! After all, I am a dreamer and I believe everything happens for a reason. That's not to say you watch things crumble and do nothing about it, it's to say when something is crumbling, you fight with every last breath and when it fails in spite of your efforts, you know you gave it your best and know it's ok to walk away. Failure is in NOT TRYING and trust me, this dreamer - will always try.
