"The secret of being a bore is to tell everything." - Voltaire
Two reasons why you should cut out the poison in your life:
1) It's toxic and degrading.
2) It's not your poison, it is theirs. Let them keep it.
As someone who believes in the power of words, I can honestly say that there are millions that grossly misuse them. However when it hits super close to home and people whom you put your faith in to be better than the average bear - become intolerable and cruel, cut your heart out with heinous words only to continue stabbing with a rusty knife by way of even more mortifying words, it makes me want to throw up. Literally. How can people you thought you knew, someone you have no choice but to still have in your life by mere force, become so utterly unrecognizable? It's hard to keep this so "coded" so maybe I won't. Maybe I will.
Don't ever let someone belittle you because they are too weak to see the reality of a situation. Because they don't want to face the mirror and see all of their shortcomings - because THEY are the weak ones. Though they may allow you to feel broken, you are not broken. In fact you are strong because at least you feel enough to recognize the pain. At least you are doing everything you can to get back on your feet and make your situation remarkably better than it has been. I let someone, for years, break me down and tell me I wasn't a very good person. They did it straight-faced and strangely and yet they did it. For years. I listened because for some sod-off reason I cared. Now I see it was through their own insecurities and brokenness, inability to have compassion or empathy, or true love that it caused the hate and malice to spew from their lips. How I missed that all this time eludes me. And now I have to find a way to make it through this storm. Because I have to. I have to for the sake of someone that means more to me than anyone or anything. A person to whom my entire heart belongs. In her little time here so far, she has changed me - she has given me life and real purpose.
Because of her I cannot continue letting these horrid and tasteless things to be said to me. So I have to be strong because thankfully at least I can be. I may cry and I may feel so truly shocked at behavior but I know who I am. And I have tremendous capacity to love and I will not let anyone take that from me. Not this person, not any person. I've made plenty of mistakes in my life and I will gladly admit it but while the masses don't understand - that's actually not true - most people DO understand and most people actually applaud the endeavor - it is difficult to start life over. It takes money either way. Whether I would have gone back to school to pursue a degree or started a company or whatever, I HAVE and HAD to better my life. That is expensive, especially in an economy where McDonald's doesn't even hire. So I'm proud of what I'm accomplishing and YOU - this person - you will not cheapen that.
My eyes sting from the tears and my heart aches at the sheer cruelty and heartlessness of someone I thought was better than that. Now I have to pretend they are for the sake of another in the hopes that maybe they will get there. Maybe they will one day grow a heart and learn what empathy actually is. Maybe they will stop tearing me down because they realize they need to look in the mirror before misfiring in my direction. I have more in my life than this unnecessary malice. I am grateful that I have love, that I am shown love, that I can give love, and that the truly extraordinary people in my life and those crossing my path are far more important than this. (It doesn't mean I can't vent because god knows if I don't I will implode) My only concern is for one tiny little person who's heart astounds me. Her heart so pure and big and full of goodness. Partly because of the love I show her - partly because I believe that's just who she is. SHE is my gift. SHE is my purpose. Until this third person can actually grasp that, they will continue to rot inside. That is on them.
So in the end, words that hurt you aren't your words. They come from someone else's place of hurt and self-doubt. Don't let it poison you because it can be toxic. It can change you and it will if you let it. Hang on to who you are and find a way to cut the chord. Find a way to realize they have their demons and until they're willing to see them, nothing you say or do can make any difference. But above all, don't give in to it. Know you are doing everything in your power to create a beautiful life free of worry and stress and abundant in love. I have two truly beautiful sisters who teach me something every day, a dad that is, above all, unfaltering in his belief of who I am and who I can be, a stepmom that sacrificed her youth to love me, I was blessed with a mommy for 15 years and she taught me nothing was impossible - she taught me onconditional love. I have two cousins that light up my life (one that always makes me laugh and have faith in myself, another who shows me courage), a grandmother who is stronger than I ever imagined, an Aunt who has endured far too much but continues to love, friends who give me such goodness it makes my heart swell, a beautiful wonderful man that I never imagined existed who I believe is finally showing me what real love actually is - but more than all of this I have a daughter. A daughter that is so incredibly wonderful and beautiful and FULL of love that every single day I will endure anything to give her a better life and I will NEVER falter on my loving her or my accepting her. No matter what I will support and embrace her. The gift she gives me is far too big for mere words. I wasn't a whole person before her. I am now because of her.
No matter what people say, it isn't your insufficiency, it's theirs. At least in my case. So as difficult as it is because I have to see them all of the time, I will cut the poison out. It is only poisoning my well and I cannot let it any longer.
