You know, when you're in the middle of a divorce, so many emotions come out - the worst of which is anger. Last month I had hit the final stage of anger in the divorce. I had already started moving on with my life, as well as my ex but I took a seemingly innocent situation that I came across from him and I let it hurt me. I can't say it was one of my finest moments and I have to say I took everything WAY out of context. I have to apologize for that because in the end what he does with his personal life is none of my business anymore. And even though he is no longer my husband, I still hold him in high esteem and most importantly, he is the father of my daughter. So to anyone who may have read about the "incident", that was foolish to even blurt out but the writer in me had to express everything in order to maintain some form of actual sanity. The emotional roller coaster is best expressed on a screen for me because once I put it out there, I can let it go.
I can't take the low road and be angry because for starters, that's not who I am. But when you're in mediation and you're discussing the raw wounds that led you to divorce, regardless of how "over" the other person you are, it still hurts because in truth - the failure brings out the weaknesses and faults within yourself. That part always makes you feel a little less human and more like a broken individual. My point in writing this is to encourage you to not form opinions from a single moment because that moment - while quite frustrating or hurtful - most likely has a justified explanation like it wasn't intentional and so on and so forth. At least in this particular case. So consider this my official apology. Divorce sucks and it can really cause some strange emotions but mine is the very best thing that could have happened. I found myself again and my ex is finding himself for the first time. It's all been a relatively positive outcome. We both have a shot at real happiness and I've found, rather, discovered that the really beautiful and unconventional love I've always craved is actually tangible and out there. I want my ex to find the woman that will give him the kind of love and stability he's searching for. We have a beautiful little girl and that is always going to be something I am eternally grateful to him for.
The journey, regardless of where it led was all worth it. Anything is possible and yes, I know some amazing happily married couples like my sister (soon to be both sister's) and some dear friends, this just wasn't for me (or him). I believe that everyone has to find what works for them, without judgment, without the constraints of traditionalism, or the pressures of society, or those around you that attempt to force their ideals onto you. Not everyone knows what's best. Often you have to take the high road and know that in spite of the ridicule or "labels" it's worth it if you know for sure what it is you want in life. We all make compromises and a healthy relationship requires it, don't kid yourself of anything otherwise. But things should come naturally and well, I know what works for me and that is all I needed to find out. Now I have to have my heart and soul and mind in my new life, raising my daughter with love and respect and the knowledge that both of her parents love her more than life. And those in our lives that hold our hearts will have to love her and accept her and be extraordinarily good to her or they wouldn't be in my life at all. My standards as a mother are incredibly high in terms of giving my daughter the beauty and love and openness of being honest and offering direction in any way I can. I want her to have the best opportunities in life and in my opinion, that's as it should be. My job is to be the best mommy possible and in order to do that, the decision to divorce had to be made. Now he and I can be friends again and be thankful we got a second shot at this crazy, unpredictable thing called life! More importantly, now we can discover what love is in the way that fits us naturally and honestly and there is NO shame in that.
