(First off, please forgive the flow of this blog... I'm just going to let it all out)
Much like the plane in this picture, something seemingly well put together got a crack in it and as a result, a piece broke off. It's costly and emotional but not irreparable. There are just better ways to build a stronger structure. Some things, however, aren't that simple.
When you speak your mind a lot (and as openly as I do) you encounter moments where much of what is said is misunderstood. You either embrace that or fight it. But above all, for me, if I bottle it up it will poison me and so I let it go and the second it's released on to paper or computer, I'm done. I believe in being honest with yourself and with others. I also believe in having faith in the better of people. The sad part is, more and more people don't live up to that. Still, no reason to give up now. Recently I encountered a really crappy situation with a "friend". Someone I supported and have loved and had sat with in pretty bad circumstances and because of my own personal responsibilities had to cancel a trip. A trip that I was taking for this friend. A trip that I had reluctance about but tried to see past that. A trip that was unnecessary in terms of essentials and would have put me further in debt and as a mother, no way I could do that. An unexpected situation came up that needed my immediate attention. And so I stayed behind. In staying behind, I saw people for who they really are and that will always be worth it. I called my travel agent and I actually ended up getting most of the money back. And then I focused on much more "essential" things: my job as a mom. Because that - THAT is the most important thing. Not a makeup job, not dealing with immaturity or realizing how fickle some "friends" can be. I am a mother first and everything else second.
A ton of good happened as a result of me staying home. For one, I was here when my daughter cried because she missed me. I could get in my car and go over to her dad's house and hold her in my arms and tell her how much I love her. I was here when she threw up and was able to wipe her forehead and love her and then once back at her dad's was able to assure her that I'm just a few minutes away if she needs me. (Never could have done that had I left) I also started designing for my webstore - bring in some income to make our lives better and more beautiful. I was contracted for two writing jobs: one writing about makeup artistry in the film industry; the other writing a site for someone running for CA State Superintendent of Public Education. But an even bigger obstacle was hurdled. I came to peace with my divorce. Me and my soon-to-be ex-husband talked about so many things. It first started out as an argument but eventually what we realized is this sucks all around. It has to happen for us to be with the right person but it sucks and we don't want to fight anymore or say hurtful things because in truth, we still respect one another. He's a great dad and he will be a great friend. No one wants to get divorced. It's exhausting and trying and socially unacceptable but it happens. And it happened to me and it happened to him. Being better parents and being honest with ourselves was how we got here. Had I gone to Scotland as planned, I don't know if or how long it would have taken to get there.
I also realized how incredibly valuable my ACTUAL friends are. Not people calling themselves my friends; the real honest-to-goodness ones that understand and accept me as I am. In turn, I accept and love and respect and understand them and know that my life is SO much better off with them in it. It's weird. We were all children at one point, right? We were all little and were able to see the simplest of things as an adventure or an opportunity to explore and we loved hanging out with our friends (and we were actually good to our friends). We understood when they couldn't play and even if we were bummed, we knew tomorrow we'd get another chance. I wish we could grasp on to that idea as adults. Nothing is permanent and sometimes life throws a wrench in our plans. It sucks and it hurts but it doesn't last forever. The people who stand beside you while you go through it, they are the ones to cherish. The ones that flee, forgive them but also know they aren't the ones you can count on. Eventually you have to clean house and this trip - or rather NOT taking the trip - gave me total clarity. I am beyond thankful for that. Never look a gift horse in the mouth. Thanks gift horse, I read ya loud and clear.
