Trying to smile from that beautiful place inside...A friend of mine recently told me that there is a picture of him a while ago with this smile on his face at his wedding. He said with all that has happened in life since then, it's sad that he'll never see that smile on his face again.
I understood that because I wonder if I'll ever have that smile again. That one smile - The one that really was filled with love and promise and trust. I want to have that smile with someone but it seems it's harder than it seems. Life is way too complicated and relationships are almost doomed to fail these days so those of you who actually fought for what you have and DON'T give up - you deserve some serious validation. It's so sad the way this world has played out and I'm among the sad.
It seems like these days everyone is silently suffering in some way. Whether it be personal feelings of failure or losing a home or losing a marriage or losing some hope or quite literally losing someone, I think it's safe to say we all could use a little encouragement. The one commonality we have as human beings is we experience sadness and joy, love and suffering and in the end the feelings haunt us in some form or fashion. With all of this rain lately in Southern California or the tragic earthquake in Haiti, it's so easy to get depressed and filled or consumed with sadness. Things just don't seem to turn out the way we once imagined but then - if it did, I don't know that we would learn a thing about ourselves.
I hate that I've spent the last two days crying because of things that I never expected but I also hate than any one I know is suffering or hurting. So maybe I don't get the love I hope for and maybe I don't have all of my dreams fulfilled but that doesn't mean I can't keep holding out hope I may some day. We each have our own form of loss. In a nutshell, here are the most difficult for me:
My Uncle LaLa (Larry) - I was 10
My mother - I was 15
My grandfather - I was 15
My niece - SHE was 9 months old and Leukemia won the battle.
Over 20 friends since I was 13 until now.
A divorce.
The shock that people just aren't what they seem.
Heartache.
Self-doubt.
Abuse.
Eating Disorders.
My point - we've all had a s**tload of tragedy on some level and they don't have to compare or measure up and one is NOT worse than another. Because while I've had the things above, I'm always reminded of my Aunt whose lost a husband, sister, father, granddaughter, and had to witness her niece(s) suffer. It's all about perspective and it's pretty easy to get sucked into our own drama or dwell in that dark place that is our past - and sometimes our present. BUT - what good is it to sit on that and regret or wish for something different when in actuality there is no magic power or magic machine that can change any of it?! SO why not embrace the hurt and the pain and utilize it? Use it to give you strength, to give you courage, to give you promise. Use it to help someone else who might be going through the same thing. Use it to REMIND you of the beautiful things you DO have like, for me:
My daughter - She has given me purpose and strength and courage and more love than I knew was possible
My family - So we disagree about almost everything but I love them and they love me
My friends - They are few and far between but the ones I have - I wouldn't be anything without.
My ability to express myself - for some it's a pain in the ass. For me, it's the only way I can live.
Creativity - the ability to dream.
I can go on but honestly, today is a hard day for me. I can't help the tears but I can help the way I let it tear me up. I can't let it tear me up. I have to let it go because while maybe I'm unable to see the smile I once had, I can't see into the future and it is quite possible my smile will be even better and brighter and more real than the one I remember so fondly.
