So here's the thing: Today marks my official AND legal (because god knows we need the stupid law to remind of us our shortcomings) DIVORCED. (Sorry - I may lose you because I've got quite a rant). In spite of what many imagined, I did not wake up with the insatiable desire to throw up my hands in glee (note to self, watch "Glee" - it makes you happy) nor did I want to run out and find a beautiful mess of a boy to have meaningless sex with (*note to self - a beautiful mess is still a beautiful mess). No, I woke up tired and dizzy with a pounding headache NOT because I was having the best pre-divorce night ever but because my daughter is sick and was up most of the night coughing and hacking and breaking my heart.
So I think the one thing (yes I'm aware that the "one" thing has multiple parts) everyone wants to ask but doesn't is, a) way to screw that up! (wait, that's more of a statement ... hmmm) A - Take 2) How do you feel? Are you sad? Do you feel pathetic? B) Are you going to go on a crazy Cougar spree? C) You need to find a man (shoot - that's another statement, isn't it. Damn I suck at this). C - Take 2) So, do you think you're going to die alone? D) Do you think your daughter will forgive you? E) Are you aware that Jesus is going to condemn you to hell? (Wait, I actually just think this one is funny)
Here's the thing, A) Yah, it feels like I could say I screwed up but I didn't because no matter what, I'm still me and regardless of the many mistakes I made or promises broken, it's only a screw up if at the end of it you regret it. A-Take 2) Of course I'm sad. No one wants to fail and certainly no one wants to be divorced but sometimes it happens. And yah, feeling like I'm unloved feels a little pathetic but I know it's not a feeling that will last. B) Ok, last I checked I wasn't desperate or in need of anyone else's shallowness to confirm my validity so uh - that's a negative ghost-rider. C) I know what I want and will never compromise again. Nor should I have to. I also cannot expect from someone the things I cannot expect in myself and THAT is a huge lesson. C-Take 2) We all die alone but it's more about loving and being and experiencing and that is what we take with us. D) I sure hope so BUT because she's my daughter I know she will. It is better for her to see me happy than to see me "wanting" to be happy. She is smart and loving and strong-willed so yes, I believe she will. D) Uh, I was going to go to hell LONG before this . But in truth, I don't buy the idea of heaven and hell because certainly we are already in hell - look at what human beings are capable of? The bad and ugly and sadly selfish, not the beautiful. I believe we have the option to live both an idea of heaven and hell and it's up to you how that all turns out, not a book, and certainly not some person claiming to have all the answers. We are human therefore we are faulty. Period. Embrace this world and embrace others and stop claiming you and Jesus have all the answers. Maybe Ghandi does. Or Mohammad. Or Buddha. Or --- do you see a pattern here? In a world colored in diversity, there is not a single answer to any of it. At least not in the world I dwell in.
So I think the one thing (yes I'm aware that the "one" thing has multiple parts) everyone wants to ask but doesn't is, a) way to screw that up! (wait, that's more of a statement ... hmmm) A - Take 2) How do you feel? Are you sad? Do you feel pathetic? B) Are you going to go on a crazy Cougar spree? C) You need to find a man (shoot - that's another statement, isn't it. Damn I suck at this). C - Take 2) So, do you think you're going to die alone? D) Do you think your daughter will forgive you? E) Are you aware that Jesus is going to condemn you to hell? (Wait, I actually just think this one is funny)
Here's the thing, A) Yah, it feels like I could say I screwed up but I didn't because no matter what, I'm still me and regardless of the many mistakes I made or promises broken, it's only a screw up if at the end of it you regret it. A-Take 2) Of course I'm sad. No one wants to fail and certainly no one wants to be divorced but sometimes it happens. And yah, feeling like I'm unloved feels a little pathetic but I know it's not a feeling that will last. B) Ok, last I checked I wasn't desperate or in need of anyone else's shallowness to confirm my validity so uh - that's a negative ghost-rider. C) I know what I want and will never compromise again. Nor should I have to. I also cannot expect from someone the things I cannot expect in myself and THAT is a huge lesson. C-Take 2) We all die alone but it's more about loving and being and experiencing and that is what we take with us. D) I sure hope so BUT because she's my daughter I know she will. It is better for her to see me happy than to see me "wanting" to be happy. She is smart and loving and strong-willed so yes, I believe she will. D) Uh, I was going to go to hell LONG before this . But in truth, I don't buy the idea of heaven and hell because certainly we are already in hell - look at what human beings are capable of? The bad and ugly and sadly selfish, not the beautiful. I believe we have the option to live both an idea of heaven and hell and it's up to you how that all turns out, not a book, and certainly not some person claiming to have all the answers. We are human therefore we are faulty. Period. Embrace this world and embrace others and stop claiming you and Jesus have all the answers. Maybe Ghandi does. Or Mohammad. Or Buddha. Or --- do you see a pattern here? In a world colored in diversity, there is not a single answer to any of it. At least not in the world I dwell in.
I've been learning quite a lot during this little adventure I'm on. Sometimes it really sucks to be the girl who's divorced but sometimes it's pretty damn liberating that I had the courage to realize what it is I want and what it is I don't. (Now this next part seems entirely off topic but go with me...) I keep seeing other people's Facebook posts and ironically this entire week is how the people in our lives reflect the places we've been, where we are, and where we're going. I see the potential in myself. I know I will have love and it will set my soul on fire. It won't be that simple kind of love because let's face it - I'm anything but (*note to self - you just admitted to the world that you're complicated. Oh well. 99% of them reading this probably thought I was a nut so I guess I cleared up one thing).
Every experience in this life is a test. A test that will allow us the opportunity to be the "potential" version of ourselves. We will hit walls and we will experience hurt and sometimes it will feel like someone took a grapefruit spoon and tore apart our insides one scrape at a time. But if we're lucky we will grow from those moments and learn to change the things within us that we continue to avoid. We will accept our faults and then re-evaluate them. We will be open to change because change is the only catalyst of hope. And sometimes we'll cry and we will get messy and in my opinion, it's the mess that is the most beautiful. Let's face it, we're all messy. We're all tangled in a past or confined by fear. But without a mess, there's nothing. The only way to see our way through anything is when there's a mess. It's our nature to clean up, to make sense of things, to make that mess appear beautiful again. (*note to self, uh, how many makeover shows are there? yep, we feel the urge to straighten s*** up).
So yeah, today is a strange day but so is waking up knowing "LOST" is over. At some point you just have to put things into perspective (and speaking of LOST, the one constant in that show is love. Cheezy and amidst mysterious black smoke and some insanely screwed up characters but the premise is we are nothing without love and our relationships to the people in our lives). I guess now that all of this is over, its time to write my masterpiece(s) --- (what?! I'm an overachiever with WAY too much to say. Some consider it a gift, others, well - not a gift). Either way life is an experience: good, bad, indifferent and I'm imperfect and messy and I'm ok with that. I'd rather have something to strive towards than sit back assuming "I've got this". The minute I get that cocky is the minute I lose all sense of the word "artist" --- or mom because clearly I'll be that crazy, overprotective, let my child be who she wants to be mom and the artist part? Well, it's like beating without a heart. I can't breathe without creating. I can't speak without attempting to open someone's mind. And I sure as hell can't be a decent human being if I don't first accept my own fragility.
Sooooooo - that about sums it up. Plus, I'm tired.
