random spout

I wake up every day and see the world. Sometimes I see glorious sunshine, sometimes I see fear, sometimes I see love but most days I see hate and apprehension. In the end, as much as everything seems to weigh down on us, even when fear seeps in, all we can do is hope. I find that every day my trust in people is shaken. I believe less and less in the good and find I simply have come to expect disappointment. That was never how I was. I think at some point we have to search deep inside of ourselves - past the hurt, past the grudges, past the worry of the unknown and remember that once upon a time we believed in humanity. We believed people could prevail and that all of the hate would eventually cease to be. I think it's easy to hate and to fear and to allow ourselves to be consumed with that but what's even harder is having faith that maybe someone is different. Maybe someone will surprise you and not fall into the category of everyone else. That, for me, is harder than performing open heart surgery on myself WHILE awake. 


What continually baffles me is that I would never have pegged myself for that. But death, disappointment, failure, procrastination, regret, and divorce all lead to here. BUT - and of course, there is a "but" - we cannot allow the things that are negative in nature to affix themselves to our core. We have to pry them apart and never let them get into our blood because once there, they are poison. Life is full of hard choices. Full of moments like the ones I seem to be faced with daily as of late. Decisions that force me to constantly put aside my ego (a task incredibly difficult for me to do) and believe in the hope that people will be better than at first they appear. And so I swallow my hurt, my fears, my worry of the unknown, my feelings of failure, my need to accomplish everything by tomorrow AND I breathe. And maybe, I cry. Maybe the tears fall from my eyes like they've been trapped in Alcatraz with no escape and once freed, it's hard to stop them. But maybe that's exaclty what I need. Maybe there are no perfect answers and the solutions presenting themselves aren't the right ones. I don't really know. 


Either way, for this moment, the things eating me alive are threads away from affixing themselves and so with every ounce of strength I have, I will fight it off and I will win. I will not let hope die. I will not stop believing that the hate and apprehension running amuck will eventually die out and love and acceptance will take its place. If I keep believing in that than something true and pure and tangible stays alive. And that leads me to here. Fighting for what's real and knowing what is not. Damn if trust isn't life's biggest test.