Let me be the millionth person to say that divorce is horrible. If you could just walk away from the person and move forward with your life, it would be far less anger-ridden and complicated. In the state of California, there is a 6 month 1 day waiting period. This period doesn't start until papers are filled out and filed. So technically, you gotta wait much longer than you'd like. You see, my ex and I swore we would be friends. Not that easy it turns out. It seems for me, knowing I'm starting my entire life over is a bit of a mind____. It horrifies me. Granted, I have this other voice inside that says, "You will be so successful and happy" and while I know that is absolutely true, the fear sometimes seeps into me with no remorse and stings me so deeply I have to acknowledge it.
The thing is getting divorced has LITTLE to do with the person I'm legally unbound from and more to do with the strange and uncertain road ahead. I am not just me. I am me with a beautiful and smart and wonderful little girl that will depend on me for everything and so I CANNOT FAIL. Perhaps that's the push I've always needed to really succeed in life but allow me to admit how daunting it can be. Every day I wake up with anxiety about how to make everything turn out ok, how to see the forest through the trees, how to remember that freedom from unhappiness is, in fact, the greatest freedom known to mankind.
I can get all caught up in the fact that nothing was as it seems OR I can realize that I'm approaching an endless stream of opportunity. That my dreams are no longer silenced or cowering but rather they are free to grow and expand and become limitless. I can't tell you how many hours of sleep I've lost or how much good food has gone uneaten because of the emotional hailstorm I've been dwelling in. Every day a new fragment of this twisted thing called divorce but there are so many beautiful glimpses of how good life will soon be. I think it's safe to say 2009 pretty much sucked for everyone. So much stress and uncertainty on nearly every level. If we can make it through this, we can make it through anything so just remember that. I will too. You see, I have to choose not to fail. I have to fight and I cannot ever feel so discouraged that I lose sight of why I'm fighting so hard for happiness. I'm an example. I have a responsibility to show my daughter what love is, what life is, what real joy is. And in the end, it comes down to choice.
