random spout

You know just because you have to make the hardest decisions in life, you'd think for a second, life would throw you a bone. That's wishful thinking. At present I feel like I am trapped in a heaping tornado with massive hunks of metal shard and splintered wood thrusting into my flesh. It is painful and at best, making me cringe from such a deep place I don't see how I will heal. I try to get out of its path and once in a while I succeed, but like an actual tornado, it bounces from one place to the next and I continue to be in its path. I finally had to walk away from a bad habit. Cut it off at the knees - cease all ways of communication because that's the only way to get "it" out of ones system. Total and utter isolation from it's harmful ways. And now the reckless storm of hurt and memory taunt me. Never entirely sure how I make it through these testing times and it seems this time around, it's lasted years. Still, when time digs its claws into me and forces me to survive countless days and months, perhaps years ... I will be stronger for it. So now I work on me. I wait on no one else, male or female. Simply focus on the known beauty surrounding me. The real. The tangible. the truth. Like it or not, that is what I need. I cannot lose sight that I am, invariably, a trusting and open minded, big hearted person. That accounts for much of my heartache but it also lends to much of my joy. Everything else is an idea. One that never materialized and honestly, it has cast much too much reason for distrust. A fragile state needs no room to stop trusting. It needs a reason to give. I once wrote: It takes a lot to believe in someone. It's hard and awkward and messy. But without belief in another human being, we lose the belief in ourselves.